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    17 Smash Bros. Characters Ranked By How Much I Want To Smash Them

    Go ahead, call me a furry in the comments. I dare you.

    Salutations. I am here today to undertake a solemn task. The task, you ask? (Ha, that rhymed.) Ranking Super Smash Bros. characters (aka Nintendo characters) based on how much I'd like to smash them.

    character on Twin Peaks saying "i feel it's my duty as a civic leader"
    Showtime

    We're talking OG, Gamecube Smash Bros. Melee here. However, I'm obviously leaving out Young Link, Ness, The Ice Climbers, Pichu, and Mr. Game and Watch, because they're all kids. 

    It'll be difficult, but someone has to do it. Here is my definitive ranking:

    17. Yoshi/Kirby/Jigglypuff/Pikachu

    Nintendo / BeardBeard / YouTube / Via youtube.com, Nintendo / packattack04082 / YouTube / Via youtube.com, Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com, Nintendo / Master0fHyrule / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    These four are sexless, ageless beings and I do not feel comfortable ranking them anything other than last.

    16. Ganondorf

    Ganondorf
    Nintendo / Choctopus / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    I want to be into Ganondorf, I really do. He's got a great bod. But overall, he looks like The Incredible Hulk had a baby with the Green Goblin and Gollum. I feel like he'd hiss while climaxing.

    15. Luigi and Mario

    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com, Nintendo / Master0fHyrule / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    They're tied because, as brothers, it's only right. Maybe it's the height and the mustaches and the fact that they wear the first letter of their names on their hats, but I really can't see them in a sexual manner.

    14. Bowser

    Bowser
    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    If we're going with non-human characters, Bowser sure has some masculine energy. But I prefer Donkey Kong. I feel like Donkey Kong has more potential to be a generous lover, while Bowser is definitely just an alpha male. 

    13. Falco

    Fox
    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Falco's got a great smize, and those brows?? Something about it is just hot to me. The beak and weird feather fingers, though, unfortunately rank him toward the end.

    12. Donkey Kong

    Donkey Kong
    Nintendo / Choctopus / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    He'd definitely be higher if he wasn't an anthropomorphic gorilla. Unfortunately, he loses points for that. But a human version of Donkey Kong?? Sign me up.

    11. Mewtwo

    Mewtwo
    Nintendo / Master0fHyrule / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Mewtwo's not with the other weird alien-like characters because...there's just something different about him. Don't judge me. It's not so different from The Shape of Water, and you all thought that was sexy.

    10. Fox

    Fox
    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Okay, so Fox reminds me of Nick from Zootopia, and we ALL KNOW Nick is hot. Don't pretend he's not. Still, the tail's a bit of a turn-off for me.

    9. Peach

    Peach
    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Peach is a classic hottie, but I'm kind of grossed out that she goes for Mario, who is obviously ranked low. Plus, there's the whole constantly being kidnapped thing. Is it really worth it?

    8. Roy

    Roy
    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Roy is cute, but he reminds me of Marth and Link, but like...worse. I wish his hair was more of a natural red rather than Ariana Grande's color in Victorious. He's cool and all, but I'd definitely forget his name the next morning.

    7. Dr. Mario

    Dr. Mario
    Nintendo / Nintendo Unity / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Mario? Eh. Dr. Mario??? Yum. A medical degree makes all the difference, y'all. And that white suit??? I'd sure love to peel it off.

    6. Samus

    Samus
    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Samus is a total badass. Some may fear some heavy machinery in the bedroom, but hey, if you're taking no machinery into the bedroom, it may be time to rethink.

    5. Captain Falcon

    Captian Falcon
    Nintendo / CyberWorld 9000 / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    That chiseled jawline could kill. However, I feel like he's a scarf-on-during-sex kind of guy, and I'm not into that. He'd value efficiency a little too highly as well.

    4. Marth

    Marth
    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Marth looks like Link's emo cousin, and I'm here for it. I don't feel like he'd be a good life partner, but just to smash? 100%.

    3. Zelda/Sheik

    Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com, Nintendo / ElAnalistaDeBits / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    Zelda alone is hot as hell, but Sheik??? There's nothing hotter than an alter ego. She knows how to handle herself and she can role-play. It doesn't get much better than that.

    2. Master Hand

    Nintendo / GamersPrey / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    There is something so sexy about that gloved hand. I don't know, nor do I care about where it came from or what it is. That finger dexterity...I don't think I need to say any more here.

    1. And finally, coming in at number 1...Link!!!

    Link
    Nintendo / Master0fHyrule / YouTube / Via youtube.com

    OBVIOUSLY, Link is first. There's no contest here. He's romantic, daring, and brave, and you just know he'd be good in bed. He could go alll night.