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    Literally Just 98 Tweets From The Past Three Months That Made Me Exhale Through My Nose

    "BeReal this BeReal that, I’m begging y’all to BeReal with a therapist."

    1.

    my neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack. long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony

    Twitter: @jasminericegirl

    2.

    She asked me “what are we?” I said WE DA BEST MUSIC

    Twitter: @tru_voodoo

    3.

    airplanes look so ridiculous like get down from there

    Twitter: @PleaseBeGneiss

    4.

    LOOK AT THIS DRAWING I DID WHEN I WAS 6 IM SCREAMING

    Twitter: @strawbyoghurt

    5.

    Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

    Twitter: @YoungTiempo

    6.

    My son came and got me, saying there was a serious leak under the kitchen sink.

    Twitter: @gemelket

    7.

    alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂 [shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah] me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

    Twitter: @coolmathgame_

    8.

    BeReal this BeReal that, I’m begging y’all to BeReal with a therapist

    Twitter: @homo_raccoon

    9.

    one of the best moments in cinema https://t.co/KLFXWmAKeS

    Dreamworks / Twitter: @westsidearmas

    10.

    Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back. If it isn’t my one year old son I accidentally left at the park

    Twitter: @h3xenbrenner2

    11.

    “you changed” bro i watched a new tv show and stole the personality of the character i liked the most

    Twitter: @thehumourguy

    12.

    me when im supposed to be serious

    Warner Bros. Pictures / Twitter: @tristehomo

    13.

    Twitter: @Oghenebruno

    14.

    when i see any other person hosting a pre-show at the movie theater

    Lucasfilm / Twitter: @giant_idiot

    15.

    it’s insane that people call boston “beantown.” chicago has an actual 20 foot bean in the middle of their city and no one says a thing

    Twitter: @Ke7inBurke

    16.

    “So your universe isn’t perfect. That’s OK. I can fix this. I can fix… you”

    Fox / Netflix / Twitter: @Lunwi88

    17.

    Nintendo / Twitter: @Dragonogon

    18.

    Thank you!!!!!! Sobbing crying I am healed

    Twitter: @hamstertalk

    19.

    lifelong friendship is so funny. I once saw you drink four loko out of an ugg boot and now you have a son named Arnold

    Twitter: @ruthmadievsky

    20.

    ok but whats the dog in the back doing https://t.co/ZzmbWKvM4R

    Twitter: @localmaninarea

    21.

    this has maybe the worst vibes of any custom mug ive ever seen

    Twitter: @punished_cait

    22.

    Worshipped u like a minion but the distance between us gru… 💔

    Twitter: @literally_joker

    23.

    Imagine using one of these to grab a condom off the nightstand

    Twitter: @DrakeGatsby

    24.

    stupid and humiliating that I have to court this body to sleep, something it should just do. I have to set a mood and do little rituals. that shouldn’t be my job. impractical animal that I am….

    Twitter: @jpbrammer

    25.

    I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

    Twitter: @LLcoooltweet

    26.

    I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

    Twitter: @Jamberee13

    27.

    i’ve never been a woman in stem, but i was a girl on tumblr

    Twitter: @reaIsnowhite

    28.

    NBC / Netflix / Twitter: @weirddalle

    29.

    Just saw a billboard for Morton salt and it’s like….you have nothing to worry about. I can’t name another salt

    Twitter: @laurapeek_

    30.

    the cullens waiting for bella to wake up as a vampire

    NBC / Summit Entertainment / Twitter: @twilightreborn

    31.

    you should be able to call in weird for work. like no i’m not coming in, you don’t want me there when i’m goofing

    Twitter: @PleaseBeGneiss

    32.

    Nobody wants to put their pie on the windowsill anymore

    Twitter: @medievaltits

    33.

    Ok but how does our daughter look like Woody Harreslon

    Sony Pictures Releasing / Twitter: @DanielleKGrier

    34.

    Twitter: @NutterButter

    35.

    did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

    Twitter: @sarahclazarus

    36.

    my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

    Twitter: @dan_rambles_on

    37.

    the sibling urge to say “thats you” when an ugly character comes on tv

    Twitter: @damnjiggaa

    38.

    i would do absolutely anything for my friends except answer their text messages

    Twitter: @420insidejob

    39.

    oh you're playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon's 24/7 ambient mixtape???

    Twitter: @laylology

    40.

    cows are pretty calm considering the whoIe fIoor is food

    Twitter: @CodeineFridge

    41.

    literally imagined 50 voices in my head before clicking on this and nothing prepared me for this shit https://t.co/hZrG4MTE6N

    Lionsgate / Twitter: @0kbps

    42.

    Why is trying to eat any kind of flaky pastry in public so unnecessarily humiliating?

    Twitter: @Jadawesome

    43.

    disney made turning 16 such a big deal i turned 16 and my life went to shit

    Twitter: @ayeejuju

    44.

    HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER???? A PRINCESS

    Warner Bros. Pictures / Twitter: @hrryingreen

    45.

    Water running down yo elbow when you're washing your face is so sickening

    Twitter: @LucasFromRJ

    46.

    Warner Bros. / Twitter: @cosyluv

    47.

    Them: your pets are spoiled Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

    Twitter: @uxnotyoux

    48.

    ben platt is on drag race so important day to remember rupaul thought his character in dear evan hansen was named dear

    VH1 / Twitter: @itiskit_

    49.

    bella and edward at the hospital after they killed james in twilight

    Millie Bobby Brown / Instagram / Twitter: @archivetwilight

    50.

    when it’s 4am and mfs talking about “what’s the next move”

    Netflix / Twitter: @NoCloutBen

    51.

    every book is called 'the tiny things we know to be small' or 'the darkest wife'

    Twitter: @ameliaelizalde

    52.

    i used to be young and cool and now when it rains i say things like “this is good. we needed this”

    Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl

    53.

    I would be sooooo good at not having a job ... like okay this week im going to make strawberry rhubarb pie next week we're working on our posture

    Twitter: @rebexxxxa

    54.

    when u make an excuse not to go out & they come up with a solution

    United Artists / Twitter: @97Vercetti

    55.

    just got kicked out of journeys cuz i asked bro if he had tacos onna stick???

    Twitter: @perccolo

    56.

    it’s time to ⚠️BeReal⚠️

    Sony Pictures Releasing / Twitter: @LiamLambrini

    57.

    this text is more effective than a year of therapy

    Twitter: @jasminemelodyxx

    58.

    Twitter: @whotfisjovana

    59.

    me when i see a they/them masturbating

    Summit Entertainment / Twitter: @mrdavidcullen

    60.

    u put us in a big wooden horse for hours and expect us not to all fall in Love ?? ok

    Twitter: @rundizzy

    61.

    I do think a new Austin Powers movie could heal the world

    Twitter: @GraceGFreud

    62.

    6: why does J have two mommies? Me: some kids have two mommies, some have two daddies, some have a mommy and a daddy… all families look diff- 6: I wish I had two mommies My husband:

    Twitter: @SnarkyMommy78

    63.

    The thoroughly revamped loss-prevention regime at the Port Authority Duane Reade has finally created something of beauty, a sort of Jeff Koons homage.

    Twitter: @willystaley

    64.

    Twitter: @DannyPellegrino

    65.

    Me rereading my own tweet every time someone likes it

    Amazon / Twitter: @daredevilfan100

    66.

    Twitter: @tribelaw

    67.

    The British government the second ww2 was over

    Twitter: @stoneobelisk

    68.

    me after taking a photo of myself i actually like:

    Nickelodeon / Twitter: @girlsstanacc

    69.

    Twitter: @eccobrutalism

    70.

    Nickelodeon / Twitter: @FilmmeTalk

    71.

    she was queen of pop for a second

    Twitter: @jimmyasss

    72.

    Twitter: @maryswraith

    73.

    founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

    Twitter: @MNateShyamalan

    74.

    i hate that food goes bad and expires when i don't eat it like can you hold on a fucking second why are you rushing me

    Twitter: @sylphent

    75.

    Thank you Spiderman for saving my son's cake 🥺❤️

    Twitter: @KabeloMohlah02

    76.

    My son informs me that Slack 'looks like a boomer discord'.

    Twitter: @ianmiell

    77.

    still think drugs are “cool” and “fun” ???

    Twitter: @TweetsOfCats

    78.

    when your friends want a photo with you but you dont😂 😍

    Twitter: @standardpuppies

    79.

    my two modes are “borderline doing stand up comedy” and “quiet and scared like a feral kitten”

    Twitter: @alphatransfag

    80.

    HBO / Twitter: @melaninxqueen

    81.

    Twitter: @jarodzsz

    82.

    Twitter: @AmbJohnBoIton

    83.

    This is the best Breaking Bad meme I’ve ever seen, they’re in Mario Kart 🤣

    Nintendo / AMC / Twitter: @m0e_almighty

    84.

    Universal Pictures / Twitter: @ItsJoko

    85.

    Me: I want Starbucks Me: Anything for u princess

    Twitter: @blanco_MP_1

    86.

    Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

    Twitter: @picklesbaseball / Twitter: @nathanmarzion

    87.

    I have been laughing for 5 minutes and I have tears streaming down my face

    Twitter: @MelDubs

    88.

    well well well if it isn’t me writing all the things from last week’s to-do list on this week’s to-do list

    Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl

    89.

    do you like eggs but simultaneously have to mentally prepare yourself and pray not get the ick for them in the middle of your meal, or are you normal

    Twitter: @packslight

    90.

    alexis bledel and lauren graham both ending longterm relationships within weeks of each other is big "where you lead i will follow" energy

    Twitter: @coledelbyck

    91.

    us twizzler enjoyers are shamed and berated every day and for what. there's nothing wrong with wanting to chew on electrical wires like i'm just being who i am

    Twitter: @huntichon

    92.

    i wanna be 14 again & ruin my life differently. i have new ideas.

    Twitter: @priinnyvert

    93.

    I don’t know who needs to hear this but living your life to the fullest does not have to involve hiking

    Twitter: @toddedillard

    94.

    they should make smoke breaks for people who don’t smoke but want to eat a granola bar

    Twitter: @jazz_inmypants

    95.

    BECAUSE TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT I 4 FOR 4 YOU https://t.co/DFLuDxaEAr

    Twitter: @SimplyDop3

    96.

    *spits out mouthful of blood* it's gonna take more than that to kill me Dentist: for the love of God just floss

    Twitter: @CandymanTimTam

    97.

    Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

    Twitter: @vibinpain

    98.

    Twitter: @Will_Kellogg