1.
Can you imagine if a bird got on a plane and sat in one of the seats? I'd absolutely lose it. "You don't need to be here" I'd say
2.
I’ll never not post this when I hear it’s snowing in Portland
3.
DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
4.
It’s just one fucking thing after another for eels isn’t it?
5.
I’m not coming out of my cage nor am I doing just fine
6.
The funniest thing I’ve seen today 😂
7.
[spelling bee] judge: your word is "walk" me: walk, W-A-L-K walk judge: [takes off judge's mask to reveal he is my dog] i fucken knew it you piece of shit
8.
My friend got attacked by a swan. Twitter, plz do ur thang.
9.
Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe
10.
WHEN I WAS 10 I MADE AN IMOVIE TRAILER FOR MY PARENTS DIVORCE AND I JUST FOUND IT??? 😭😭😭😭
11.
pov: you’re an employee at an obviously failing company and we’re wrapping up a 2 hour meeting that was entirely bad news
12.
top 10 tweet of the year
13.
This is the most deranged bathroom sign I’ve ever seen
14.
I’m crying
15.
I’m in an insane Facebook Christmas group and they are gearing up for Christmas in July. I haven’t been kicked out of the group yet, but I’m trying very hard. A THREAD
16.
me, sobbing: please stop, you can’t just call every single kind of dessert pudding british person, pointing to a cake: pudding
17.
man i be overthinking these
18.
surgeon: we're only allowing family right now olive garden waitstaff: yeah that's why we're here
19.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia therapist: you might be getting carried away me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
20.
“do you want the good news or the bad news first?” buddy no news is worse than finding out i have to make a decision
21.
Yesterday the nurse at the CVS walk-in clinic asked me who my primary care physician was and I’m like baby I’m at the CVS walk in clinic, it is clearly you
22.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
23.
Oh, so you’re a human? name three pictures with traffic lights in them
24.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
25.
MAN: i’m leaving you WOMAN: is this about the hokey pokey again MAN: *clenching fist* that’s what it’s ALL about
26.
this interaction on tiktok 😭
27.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
28.
what the hell is this guy talking about
29.
terrible discovery: the fucking letters on my dad’s “squatch watch” mug came off in the dishwasher
30.
just walked by a girl giving the “it’s not you it’s me speech” on speakerphone while parallel parking in a rly tight spot. like wtf girls can literally do anything
31.
can’t believe in I Gotta Feeling they just recite all the days of the week in the middle of the song. for no reason. we really let black eyed peas get away with too much
32.
thinkin about halloween ‘17 when the guy i had been seeing came home with another girl and i was already on his couch smoking weed with his roommates, still fully dressed as guy fieri
33.
me: i cannot believe i have to deal with this shit friend: what? me: the consequences of my own actions
34.
i said offhandedly to a man in work that i had a girlfriend and he paused and said "my sister is also of... your persuasion" and now i'm convinced he's a vampire
35.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure? me: I'm better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
36.
NOT GAY PEOPLE BEING A LEGAL CURRENCY
37.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
38.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
39.
me holding my new drink after vomming in the bathroom
40.
So evidently our 13 year old thought "primadonna" meant anyone born before Madonna (i.e. pre-Madonna). Please send oxygen. We cannot stop laughing. 😂😂😂
41.
i saw mommy kissing santa clause now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick and it's all in my head but she's touching his chest now
42.
macbooks really have the audacity to huff and puff and have panic attacks when i chronically have too many tabs open... girl, i paid $1,300 for you! go to therapy!
43.
The kids asked if they could write “Let It Snow” on the windows... the bottom is what can be seen from the road.
44.
I Hate PENDING Payments. Just Take That Shit So I Can Start My HEALING PROCESS😭😒
45.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
46.
i love that these two are married in real life. a queen and her himbo.
47.
Me: *picks at a scab* My blood cells who just spent hours building it:
48.
Girls be driving 93Mph blasting loud music just to arrive Target and hit a curb 🤣
49.
i’m a c-section baby it’s never my birthday y’all i was evicted
51.
I am simply saying that if Jesus only had 12 followers maybe he was a bot
52.
Me: i have a headache WebMD: and it’ll be your last
53.
bunch of high schoolers just walked past my car in the Taco Bell drive thru I was playing coldplay loud as hell. one of em made eye contact wit me, said something to his friends and they all laughed. this is the worst day of my life
54.
had a dream my girl shit herself at the club so i shit MY self to make her feel better😭😭😭why the fuck we aint just leave😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
55.
When I say I’m in the mood for gourmet cuisine...this is actually what I mean.
56.
chem test went so badly people are saying “i love you” in the class group chat
57.
this one time in 3rd grade i was really mad at my mom so i furiously googled "I WANT A BOMB" on her laptop like 900 times because i thought the government would come and arrest her
58.
Me as a house husband showing my wife all the memes that made me laugh for that day.
59.
Man, I am NOT cut out for LA. This girl at a party said “I’m a sub” and I said “oh that’s cool did you always wanna work with kids?” and she looked at me HORRIFIED. I THOUGHT SHE MEANT TEACHER. LIKE A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. THAT’S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT.
60.
a coworker yawned and without thinking im all, ooo big yawn! and she was like, what? and i pretended i didn’t say anything and just kept working
61.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
62.
Ben and Jerry are proof you can start something other than a podcast with your friend
63.
A dad at the coffee shop bought his child a cake pop and said "Don't tell Mom" and then winked at me, like I asked to be part of their twisted web of lies.
64.
this isnt a dis on anyone i just genuinely forget that cool ppl actually follow me aksljfkalsdf
65.
Today I discovered my husband has me in his phone as “Jennifer Wortman.”
66.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
67.
man when you think about it, it's the worst possible place for her to sell seashells
68.
At Trader Joe’s with no list. No plan. Clear eyes. Full heart. Huge ass. Can’t lose
69.
no more job applications asking if they can contact a previous employer, like why are u so insecure? don't worry about my ex let's focus on us
70.
when u find out swords can't buy happiness
71.
I asked my 14-yr-old to check in with me when she goes out sledding because I worry too much. She has chosen to respond by writing me texts that sound like a Civil War soldier’s letter home: “Dearest Mother, we have trekked to the farthest field but I am safe and resolute.”
72.
When I was five, I found out my grandpa had a twin, when I saw him after my grandpa's funeral. A fucking heads up would have been nice.
73.
worst thing about getting the vaccine shot was when i had to take off my blink 182 sweatshirt and everyone saw i was also wearing a blink 182 t-shirt
74.
Are You There, God? It’s-A Me, Mario
75.
youth pastor: you know who else was considered a daft punk
76.
Doctor: Don’t worry the X-ray machine is completely safe Doctors whilst you’re getting the X-ray:
77.
billy joel: she’s an uptown girl me: where has she been living billy joel: ur not gonna believe this
78.
People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk
79.
they warned you about the radical left
80.
the crucial 4th ice cream bowl was lost at some point, forever altering the vibe
81.
“GOOD “gm MORNINGGG” bestie”
82.
[me getting in the back of an ambulance] hi, for isabel?
83.
If ur 1st day of college went bad remember I signed up for pro life society accidentally because I thought they were just pumped for general life
84.
Actually .. I love this I fear
86.
I’m so embarrassed. We have a long layover so I roasted a chicken for the airport. At security, they take my bag. The dude says “my man, what u got in here?” He then pulls my shit out & yells “a WHOLE chicken?!” and EVERYONE in line started laughing at me, especially the bad hoes
87.
never using doordash again wtf
88.
me: i'll have the sloppy joe wife: this is a fancy restaurant, idiot me: apologies, I'll have the uncouth joseph waiter: excellent choice, sir
89.
In a group chat for an upcoming bachelorette & this girl I don’t know goes “Erica, you follow (insert name)? How do you know him?” I was like “omg I slept w him years ago lol”. Turns out it’s her husband & he told her that he’s only ever slept w her 😩about to be a longgg weekend
90.
There is no one I have less in common with than the me who wrote my Facebook statuses circa 2008
91.
is this a threat
92.
when my parents got divorced they were like “it’s important that you guys know this is not your fault” and i was like well yeah why would it be? i hadn’t even considered that. why would you say that? sort of a lady doth protest too much situation
93.
as a child, I assumed Martha’s Vineyard was owned by Martha Stewart
94.
banks rlly don't have to send those "View your financial statment!" emails, i know i fucked up we don't have to make a big deal about it
95.
i just love the lack of privacy in the pharmacy line. just standing there shouting out my name, date of birth, and exactly what is wrong with me for the world to hear
96.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
97.
catholic school be like "no long hair for boys" meanwhile there is a picture of a boy with long hair for boys in every classroom. And hes like the main boy
98.
I just feel like we’re being really generous letting guitar center pass this thing off as a G
