Adele's new album, 25, is out today, so our writers Remee and Scott got extremely drunk on 3½ bottles of cheap rosé wine to listen to it and talk about their feelings. This is what happened.
So guys, are you drunk yet?
Remee, after half a bottle: If I go to the toilet I'll know. The toilet's when you know you're drunk, because it starts spinning and you think you're gonna be sucked down the toilet.
Scott: I need a power wee. Let's take a purposeful toilet break, and then we'll start.
Remee: I need a wee so bad. And then I want to sing that one song, the one, the hello from the other side, but sshh, we need to be quiet while we wee.
How do you feel, Scott?
Scott, sighing: I feel....strong.
How are you feeling, Remee?
Remee: I'm a bit, yeah. I'm really hot right now. God I'm so warm.
After two bottles and a purposeful wee, Remee and Scott are ready to begin.
Track 1: "Hello"
How did this song make you feel, guys?
Remee: I'm confused.
Scott: I feel that I want to dance. But that song is not getting me dancey.
Remee: The chorus is really like, laaa laaa, it's a good karaoke song.
Scott: I'd go to the toilet during that one if I heard it at karaoke.
Remee: But I'm like, is she from the other side? Not the dark side, but like, is she a ghost? Is she in purgatory? It's like, "Hello from the other side," is she dead? And she's come back? It's like, "Hello from the other side, I'm fucking haunting you."
Scott: I think it's the other side of Ipswich.
Track 2: "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)"
Scott, listening and looking disappointed: Fucksake, why can't she talk about the National Lottery or something?
Remee, screaming because she's forgotten how headphones work: DOESN'T THIS REALLY SOUND LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT?
Scott: Taylor is, like, already writing a letter on Tumblr about this.
Guys, do you need water?
OK, song's over. How do you feel?
Remee: I stick with my Tay Tay theory, like with long models, it's very cutesy-wootsy, baroot dadaboop boop.
Track 3: "I Miss You"
Scott, filling Remee's glass: You need to top up.
Remee: Scott's like when you're at a house party and someone fills up your drink. You're like, the best.
They listen, while snapping their fingers, closing their eyes, and groaning.
OK guys, song's over, how do you feel?
Remee: I have a really sad story. So this boy from Tinder was being really weird to me. Every now and then I think about him. Even though I like six feet minimum and he's five foot seven. It just proves that it's not always what you're looking for, it doesn't have to do with your connection. I really really need a wee.
Scott: "I Miss You" feels like a song that is suitable for suitable moods. But if you're not in a mood, you won't get a mood of the song, to some extent. I'm going to go for a toilet break and finish listening to this song while I'm on the toilet. Not on the toilet, though. I'll respectfully pause it.
Track 4: "When We Were Young"
Scott, singing along as he listens, and burping occasionally: Just like a movie. *burp* Just like a song.
Remee: Like. Like it's about the people that you met at university on a night out or whatever, that you definitely had a connection with, cause university was this crazy life, but it didn't form into a serious relationship, but that bit in between where it could turn out into something, but doesn't. RIP beautiful Irish man in the library, with your sheepskin coat.
Scott: I definitely feel. I'm gonna say it. This is the song of the album.
Scott: Fucking strong as a fine. I feel fucking strong.
Remee: Oh my phone is on the floor oh no.
Scott: I feel that this is a fucking powerful song in that genuinely, everyone goes through shit in their lives. And if there is a song that they want to empower themselves by, it would be this one. Because anyone that achieves success in their field genuinely feels that the success is stacked against them. And this is the song that you use to stack against you. This song makes you feel like you've overcome incredible, incredible hurdles in your life. Everyone's got a pain in their lives, and this tells that pain, and the heroic overcoming of that pain.
Remee, starting to cry: But it's also like, boom, boom, boom. It's empowering.
Track 5: "Remedy"
How do you guys feel?
Remee: I found that a bit boring. Almost like, I'm ready to make a big decision in my life, but why would you listen to this when you could listen to Des'ree. It's not good enough for your "I'm gonna fucking change my life" playlist.
Scott: It's a bit of a rant to your mum. You've had a bad day, the odds are stacked against you, you're like, "Mum, I'm not getting what I deserve." When you're 16 you set goals for yourself, like, "I want to be an astronaut." This is like the modern equivalent –
Remee, breaking into song: HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIIIIIIDE!
Scott: Life is not describing exactly what you want and you're frustrated that your life is not prescribing exactly what you want, so you're ranting against the man for not giving you what you want, but actually you just hold up and get a decent job.
Track 6: "Water Under the Bridge"
OK guys, the next song is "Water Under the Bridge".
Scott: I bet you've got some water under your bridge.
He starts listening to the song, then shrieks..
Scott: The song opening is like a dolphin shriek.
He laughs to himself.
OK guys, how did the song make you feel?
Scott: You know what, this song is a bit of a banger. The fact is – this song is a little bit of a banger. It's a little bit of a banger.
Yes, you've already said that.
Scott: If you were as drunk as me, you would be a little bit offended by that. I'm sorry, I've become a bitch.
Track 7: "River Lea"
So Remee, how did this song make you feel?
Remee, sobbing: "River Lea" is really sad, because I grew up in Tottenham, and River Lea is our nearest river. So for Adele to have a song about River Lea is crazy, because she always says she's from Tottenham, and understands what it's like to be from that area. She's really proud of that area. And actually Adele being from that area is a massive thing. She's fucking massive.
Remee, continuing to sob: She's huge, and she's from Tottenham, I'm from TOTTENHAM and when she first came out I remember thinking, shit, that's a big deal – I'm really drunk so I'm talking really shit – but her fame has like, obviously she's really famous but the fact that she's really famous is insane, she's from this place in north London that's like, deprived, and everyone from Tottenham has this image, and I don't know, I'm from Tottenham, and people wouldn't guess that now, and people listen to Adele and they're like, "she sounds Tottenham," like, blah blah blah, and I don't sound Tottenham because of what happened after I left Tottenham.
Remee, making small, whimpering noises: Basically Adele making it and Adele being so popular as she is, represents our childhood. I mean it's different because she's white, which has nothing to do with the fact that she's from this area, but you know what I mean.
Track 8: "Love in the Dark"
Scott: Love in the dark? Who wants that?
Scott, thinking we didn't hear him the first time: Love in the dark? Who wants that?
We take away Scott's drink, but he goes to retrieve it. We give them both snacks and water.
How did this song make you feel, guys?
Scott: I feel like I was on a lift of emotion. It felt like Adele just doing a fuck you at the world, being like, fuck youuuuuuuu.
Remee: Um... It's when you've broken up with someone and you know it's for the best and you're telling them what went wrong and they probably agree or they might not agree, it doesn't matter, but you really respect and appreciate that person, and you don't want to hurt their feelings, but as a long-term relationship it's not going to work.
Track 9: "Million Years Ago"
Scott: I've already heard this song. Before.
Remee, unable to make her phone play the song: I can't hear anything.
OK, let's just move on.
Track 10: "All I Ask"
How did that make you feel?
Scott, after burping and then singing: I'm quite happy this isn't being properly filmed, just a general generalism.
Remee, after burping and trying to blow it away: This represents the feel of the, um, of me thinking, um, maybe, oh, I don't know.
Scott: It's like, "My mum is sad."
Remee cackles with a mouthful of crisps, and falls to the ground.
Scott: Adele's a hard woman to read.
Track 11: "Sweetest Devotion"
How did that song make you feel?
Scott: It felt like I was gaining a sense of being. Just like, like, the fact is, that many institutions that run our lives and you never feel like we have self-control over ourselves and we always feel like shit is out to get you, and this song makes you feel more comfortable itself. There's not many songs out there that make you feel like you. And this song makes you feel like you. Overcome the shit.
Remee: It made me feel empowered. Like I could tell other people that they didn't need to worry about if they didn't like their jobs, that they could find something else. If people felt upset then they could CHANGE that and feel better. And as much as they think it might be a big change in their life it wouldn't actually be. The act of change isn't the same as the impact of that is. That makes no sense. Basically, QUIT YOUR JOB!
Remee: Every song would enforce my opinions of, of, LABOUR.
Scott: I think the expectation that Adele must have had for this album is astonishingly high, and people are being incredibly subjective for what she has done, so taking that into consideration it's a strong album, a few weak tracks that make you feel like you're on the toilet, but overall that you're proud and strong. I don't feel disappointed. It will be successful and she can get another conservatory or add another extension to her property.
Remee: I feel like there's been a massive expectation for Adele, and that makes a lot of sense, and if you listen to her music, you might feel like, like River Lea, people can really connect to it, at the same time I feel like it's difficult because the songs are insane and huge and people will generalise. I am from the same area as her.
Thanks so much for all your feelings, guys!
Shortly afterwards, we sent Remee home to her mother. Everything is fine.