1. When you put a tampon in but it didn’t quite go deep enough, so there’s this dry bit kinda chafing a little, and you’re trying to have a conversation at work but all you can think about is your chafey little tampon having a chafey little chafe.
2. Pulling out a dry tampon! Sweet Mother Mary!
3. When you sleep with a pad that’s not long enough and a little runaway stream of blood somehow travels all the way down your buttcrack in the night, just past the pad, and splotches itself on your pants.
4. When the next night you’re like, “NOT THIS TIME, BUTTCRACK SPLOTCH,” and wedge the pad way further back than last time, then LO AND BEHOLD a runaway stream of blood travels THE OTHER WAY and splotches your pants in the front. And you’re just like, “How?”
5. When you’re on a night out and think you look amazing, but then you go to the bathroom and realise there’s just lipstick all over your face and teeth.
6. When you’re walking up stairs in front of a guy and suddenly become very aware of the fact that your bum is in his face.
7. When you put some mascara on and there’s a clump, so you use the brush again to try and even it out, but then there’s two clumps, and then you do it again until you have infinite clumps.
8. When there’s a mystery bit of dry, spiky skin on the side of your nail, so you try to pull it off, but it just starts pulling deeper and deeper instead of breaking off, and it just keeps going and going UNTIL SUDDENLY THE WHOLE NAIL HAS BEEN RIPPED OFF AND YOU’RE SCREAMING IN AGONY.
9. Catching your fingernail on a razor when shaving.
10. Taking out a chunk of knee while shaving.
11. Removing a section of your ankle while shaving.
12. When a person on the street stops you to awkwardly say, “Uh, sorry, I think your skirt is stuck,” so you have a feel and realise your ass is fully on display.
13. When your pubes get caught on the sticky bit of a pad and there’s nothing you can do but rip them out, alone in a bathroom stall, full of sadness and regret.
14. When you willingly pay your own hard-earned money to have someone else tear hair from your body, and you suspect it’s because of the patriarchy, but you do it anyway.
15. When your tights start riding lower and lower and lower until you’re pretty sure the crotch is lower than your dress. But you’re in polite company so you can’t actually check, and adopt a kind of wide stance like an action hero to stop it going any lower.
16. When you get gassy on your period but also have to go to work. And you let out a stinky silent one. And just walk away from it and hope it gets blamed on someone else because a nice, pretty lady could never have produced that monster, surely.
17. Trying to peel some dry skin off your lip and just taking out a whole chunk of flesh instead. RIP lip.
18. Going on a date and realising you have a massive random spikey chin hair – like a three-inch-long monster – and there’s nothing you can do about it until you find a bathroom. Has your date noticed? Probably.
19. Getting your hair trapped in a seatbelt.
20. When you roll up a pad and put it in the bin in a shared house, but then you come back later and it’s somehow unfurled itself, broken free of the toilet paper shroud you wrapped it in, and is now RIGHT THERE ON DISPLAY in all its bloodied glory.
21. Cleaning your bum in the shower and finding one long head hair in your crack.
22. And pulling it out and realising it’s attached to another one.
23. And another.
24. And then doing a deeper search and finding a whole mystery hairball. How long have you been there, mystery hairball? No one will ever know.
25. Getting an eyelash directly on your eyeball.
26. When you think you’ve removed all your makeup, but the next morning you find a long, stringy black goopy thing in your eyeball. You pull it out and it just keeps coming and coming out of its hiding place in your eye socket.
27. Getting your eyebrows done and getting a teeny little chunk of skin torn out.
28. Getting into a tight dress and zipping your skin.
29. Carrying a lipstick in your coat pocket or purse and not realising until DAYS later that the lid came off and it’s everywhere.
30. Going out in new shoes and not realising until it’s too late that they are TEARING THE SKIN FROM THE BACK OF YOUR FOOT. So you just do the best you can to ignore the feeling of the skin rubbing off your heel and blood collecting in your shoe lol.
31. Laddering your tights on your way to work.
32. Dropping expensive foundation and hearing the bottle smash. And then having to clear it all up.
33. Getting your hair trapped in the back of a hair dryer.
34. When a creepy old man says, “Well, aren’t you a lovely young lady” or something else similar but in a gross horrible way, not a nice grandfatherly way.
35. Sending a text to the wrong person. A bad text. A sexy text.
36. When you bring someone home and wanna get naked but your dress is too tight so you kind of have to do a terrible jerky wiggle out of it, and it kind of gets trapped halfway, and you’re just standing there with your bum out and your head trapped somewhere around the waistline, and you keep saying, “Sorry, sorry, haha one sec!”
37. Farting during sex. It happens, ladies! It just happens. Those little farts just escape sometimes. Let them live.
38. When the gynecologist says, “You’ll just feel a small pinch!”