1. The revenge of the farter:
"I teach group music lessons. One group consists of five 9-year-old girls who are learning the flute. While one of them was in the bathroom, another grabbed her flute, held it to her posterior and farted on it. She placed it back on the table and muttered, 'That's what she gets for wearing a hat indoors.'"
Submitted by reitsealnic
2. This pubic horror show:
"Before I was fully trained, I observed a lesson in which two 15-year-old boys cut off their pubic hair and put it inside the classroom dictionaries, then handed the dictionaries out to their classmates. They then did the same with the glue sticks, scattering the excess pubes out of the window on the PE class below. By the end of the lesson they had somehow stuck the pubey glue sticks to the ceiling for the next class to find as they clattered onto the desks and heads below."
Submitted by r4546673e7
3. These very best friends:
4. This incredible-sounding child:
"A 3-year-old in my class used to stick one finger up her butt and smear it on the wall, never breaking eye contact with a teacher. She also put her hands in a pee-filled toilet and flicked the pee everywhere. This happened more than once."
Submitted by brittanyy407af81b9
5. This advertisement against ever having children:
"About two months ago at work (I'm a preschool teacher) a 4-year-old boy told me he was going to the bathroom. I said OK. Fifteen minutes passed so I went to check on him. I found him naked smearing his shit all over the wall, on himself, and then HE ATE THE SHIT OFF HIS HAND. I screamed."
Submitted by marissaavargass
6. This reminder never to get too close to a 4-year-old:
7. This advertisement against babies generally:
"While working with 1-year-olds, the grossest thing that happened was when this little girl was very sick and thin, light green diarrhea started seeping out of her diaper. It got all over the floor and the other 1-year-olds wanted to play in it. Everything was eventually cleaned up, but the smell!"
Submitted by jessicaa4d2caa2c7
8. This hilarious nightmare:
"It was a little while after lunch at my very first daycare job and I didn't know any better, so I grabbed one of the 'new eaters' and took him to change him and get him ready for nap. At this point Satan came over my mind and body, and had me 'airplane' him over my head. He then proceeded to puke hot dogs, peaches, and milk right into my cooing wide-open mouth. Ten years later and I still haven't eaten a hot dog or a peach."
Submitted by LadyAnna
9. The multi-tasker:
"I had a student who would constantly pick the gum off of the underside of tables and chew it through the whole lesson. Sometimes he'd eat his own snot at the same time."
Submitted by chrisr4a76da8dc
10. An unfortunate, trashy tale:
11. This warning for us all to follow:
"It was one of my first years teaching. There had been an odour in the classroom since a bathroom break earlier in the morning, and I could not figure out what it was. A few students even commented on it. Going around after dismissal, checking desks for papers, and I found that one child had brought their poop back from the bathroom and left it in their desk. I guess they just couldn't part with it. I luckily saw it before I put my hand in the desk. I have never not checked the inside of a desk before putting my hand in it since that incident."
Submitted by bakerstgirl
12. This slow, methodical grossness:
"When I was teaching middle school computer science, I showed a movie at the end of the semester. I watched one kid sit in his chair digging out his belly button for at least 20 minutes. Every couple of minutes he would sniff his fingers then lick them. I'm scarred for life."
Submitted by kristysince1984
13. The snotty mystery:
"I used to work at a preschool. One time I was facing a bunch a kids and felt one tug on my shirt behind me and heard crying. I turn around and he is COVERED in snot! His face was covered...down to his neck and all over the front of his shirt and his hands! I just remember him touching his face and seeing the snot trail to his hands! It was sick! I've never seen so much mucus in my life!"
Submitted by spatter07
14. THIS CASUAL NIGHTMARE:
15. This dilemma:
"I had a preschooler poop his pants (diarrhea, just my luck), reach his hand in, and start rubbing it in like lotion before I could get over to him and help him to the bathroom. He wiped his hands on my pants. I had no more clothes. As a student teacher, it made me seriously consider if it was worth it."
Submitted by ActuallyInsane
16. This swift karma:
"Student was farting in other students' faces all day. His final fart was fatal as he pushed a bit too hard and sharted. White basketball shorts and sharts made for an interesting walk of shame."
Submitted by mindyrubinlichtt
17. This solid advice:
18. A gory but kind of cute story:
"One of my kindergarteners got a sizable brush burn on his forehead. It healed nicely and the scab was coming off on its own. We had made cardboard crowns and when he was putting the crown on his head, the scab fell off. The boy standing next to him grabbed it from the floor and politely returned said scab to its 'owner.'"
Submitted by heatherjoswickm
19. This...interesting way to lose a tooth:
"I had two children run into each other, mouth to forehead.
We saw that the child who bashed his mouth had lost a tooth.
Where was it?
Lodged in the other kid's forehead.
Bllurgh!!! I regretted being the lead first-aider that day!"
Submitted by 2mothersilla
20. This unique signature:
"The 8-year-old regular nosepicker who regularly picked his nose until it bled then would wipe his bloodied snotty finger clean across the bottom of his work. He could not understand why I was unhappy. His mum was mortified when I told her about it."
Submitted by DullUserName
21. Every school had one of these kids:
22. This sensible decision:
"I had a little boy who sneezed during assembly and, I kid you not, this moon rock came out of his nose, he looked at it for a few seconds, then proceeded to put it back up his nose for safe keeping. Threw up in my mouth a little bit."
Submitted by jenxlouise
23. The nightmare child:
"This one kid had just learned to go to the bathroom on his own. I went in to check he was doing okay – only to find that he had dipped his hands into the toilet, fished out the um...business, and was happily smearing it on the walls and floor. When he saw me, he proceeded to run out of the door and down the hall, covered in poop, touching all the other kids' coats with his poop hands as he went...
"I never saw that kid again. Some say he's still running around these very halls, smearing his poop everywhere."
Submitted by libertyc45a5036d5
24. The child who understands you should never waste food:
25. The chain reaction:
"Chain puke. One person threw up. It smelled horrendous, and that caused another kid to puke. Then the combined smell caused three other students to puke. This goes on. About 20 minutes later I have nine students and the room smells like a mix between puke and lemon disinfectant. We did not get any work done that day."
Submitted by eveballer05
26. The worst talent show act:
"At a middle school I worked at, four kids in the band did this for the talent show:
They lined up and all played a trombone one at a time. Then they emptied the spit into a cup. Next they shared a toothbrush to brush their teeth, with the cup of spit to rinse. The last kid drank everything in the cup."
Submitted by rickm16
27. The artist:
28. The gift to the local dry cleaners:
"Boy (age 9) in my class felt sick... Told him if he thought he was going to vom to run to the loo... no need to ask. He suddenly legged it out of the room but as he turned sharp right he let rip and managed to projectile puke in a 180-degree arc encompassing 18 dry-clean-only blazers.... aaaargh!!!"
Submitted by d4979c4387
29. The kid who failed the test of life:
"During a test, I saw a student pull a huge, stringy booger out of their nose – like, we're talking 3 inches long. They then looked at it in awe, and then slurped it up like a spaghetti noodle.
"I honestly thought I was going to puke seeing it. I stuck my head out of the door of my classroom to get some air to stop the dry heaving."
Submitted by lyndsaystranges