If you're a Gilmore Girls fan, then you probably know that all three of Rory's boyfriends in the series were 100% trash.
No shade to Rory for her choices: Sometimes a girl's gotta get the D where she can.
It all started with the biggest crydick in all of Stars Hollow, Dean.
Dean was the kind of guy who'd whine that Rory didn't want to spend every waking moment with him, cause every now and then she had, I dunno, HOMEWORK TO DO.
Did Dean understand that humans need space? Nope.
Dean often found it hard to understand basic concepts.
Dean's whole vibe was, "Oooh, I'm Deaaan, I'm just a nice guy, breaking up with you by yelling at you in front of the entire town."
"Yeah, I'm a niiiiice guy, makin' you cry."
"I'm a niiiice guy, wearing a terrible shirt, growing out my curtains, getting married to someone else even though I'm still in love with you."
"I'm a niiiiice guy growing a shit moustache."
"I'm a niiiiice guy, cheating on my wife while she's at home learning how to cook for me cause she feels pressured by traditional conceptions of marital roles, but it's totally fine, cause I'm a niiiiiiiice guuuuuuuuy."
Into the dustbin of history with you and your curtains and your terrible shirt, Dean. Your services are no longer required.
Then we had this piece of crap.
Well lemme break it to you, fools: All of Rory's boyfriends were trash, and that includes Jess, the Kerouac wannabe crybaby weenus.
His entire vibe was basically "I don't go to winter carnivals 'cause I'm way too bad for winter carnivals."
"I don't want Chinese food; I'm too bad for Chinese food."
"I'm rude to my uncle who took me in 'cause that's what bad guys do."
"I'm so much smarter than everyone in my high school. I only flunked out 'cause I'm misunderstood."
"In fact, I read books in Washington Square Park when I'm meant to be in school 'cause I'm just so bad."
"I make girls laugh while their boyfriends look on sadly through diner windows 'cause I'm baaaad."
"Hey, is that your mom? Cool, I'm gonna drink her beer and be incredibly rude to her 'cause I'm just so bad."
"I'm gonna literally crash your car cause I'm also a bad driver."
"Why didn't I call you all weekend? 'Cause I'm bad."
"Why did I abandon you without saying goodbye or explaining an important thing that happened in my life that caused me to make this decision? 'Cause I'm bad."
"Why did I call you all the time after I abandoned you but never say anything? 'Cause I'm bad."
"Why am I wearing a leather jacket on the beach in California in summer? 'Cause I'm BAD, okay?????"
Anyway. Despite all this badness, Jess is probably the least trash of Rory's trash ex boyfriends, 'cause at least he got his shit together in the end!
He even helped run a little art collective and bookshop-type thing with shit poetry readings while maintaining a sense of dignity and self-awareness.
Maybe Rory could have gone for it and they could have been a power couple in the literary world.
BUT NOOO, RORY DIDN'T DO THAT, CAUSE SHE WAS TOO IN LOVE WITH THIS HUMAN SCUM FOR SOME REASON.
Was there ever a slimier twat in television than young Logan Huntzberger?
This is a guy whose favourite party trick was dehumanising Rory's other love interests for not being wealthy.
There are a couple red flags that Rory should have spotted. For example, the "My Favourite Pastime Is Putting on a Tuxedo and Being a Wanker in a Remote Field" red flag.
Then there was the "Yelling At You in Public About How Hard It Is to Be Unimaginably Wealthy" red flag.
There was also the "Constantly Getting Blackout Drunk, Pissing Away Money, and Falling Over in the Street Shrieking Into the Sky" red flag.
And the "Sleeping With 8,000 Bridesmaids in the Space of a Week Cause I Was a Bit Sad" red flag.
And of course, the "I'm A Selfish Fuck Who Will Pressure You to Marry Me in Front of All Your Friends and Family at Your Graduation Party" red flag.
So long then, Logan. Hopefully Rory calls you a prick someday in her Pulitzer acceptance speech.
And so long to all of you whiners.
Here's hoping Rory finds a mores sustainable source of D in the new series.
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