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    Sep 14, 2016

    How To Tell All The White Men In Theresa May's Cabinet Apart

    Not all middle-aged white men look the same!

    Downing Street has just released a photo of prime minister Theresa May's new cabinet, so we're here to help you figure out how to differentiate between all the middle-aged white men in this picture.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    It's not as hard as it seems!

    Let's start with business secretary Greg Clark. To find him, imagine the look of a man watching the woman he's always loved marry his best friend.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Now, let's find chief whip Gavin Williamson. To find him, imagine a combination of every young Tory you went to university with.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    He's Nigel, Hugh, Tarquin, Piers, and Felix all mashed into one.

    To find Jeremy Hunt, look out for the man who wants nothing more than the relief of crying, but is keeping a brave face till he makes it to the broom cupboard.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    This is international trade secretary Liam Fox. Spot him by his intense pleasure in existing, like a man who's had a health scare and come out the other side.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    His entire body is ablaze with pleasure and gratitude, and sometimes he laughs for no reason.

    Close your eyes and imagine your most humourless uncle, at Christmas, right after he's given you a terrible present, as he waits for your reaction. There's Scotland secretary David Mundell.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Spot work and pensions secretary Damian Green by his slightly pained smile, as if he hasn't smiled since childhood, and the muscles have grown weak with time.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Now imagine Damian Green if Damian Green had a villainous plot. That's what transport secretary Chris Grayling is giving us here.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    (If you're still having trouble telling these two apart, have them stand next to each other to compare who appears more villainous.)

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    You can recognise leader of the Commons David Lidington by remembering what your dad looked like when you invited him to a meal with some of your friends and it made him feel young again.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    He even picked up the whole bill so that you'd invite him again next time.

    To find Northern Ireland secretary James Brokenshire, imagine a 16-year-old boy who regularly dresses up as Superman and imagines himself on daring missions to save the Earth from alien invasion.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Don't try to remember what cabinet secretary Jeremy Heywood looks like. It's not possible. Instead, remember what all the others look like and then use the process of elimination.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Anyway he's not even technically in the cabinet.

    Recognise attorney general Jeremy Wright by his look of quiet pride in a well-diversified stock portfolio.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    He's got a solid plan for retirement, and he doesn't care who knows it.

    To find chancellor Philip Hammond, imagine the expression of a man who would consider suing a homeless person for standing too close to his limousine.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Of course, he wouldn't really do that.

    To find defence secretary Michael Fallon, imagine a man who looks like Phillip Hammond if Phillip Hammond wore glasses and forgot to do a wee before sitting for the group photo.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Spot chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster Patrick McLoughlin by his look of extreme disappointment in your life decisions.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    You could have been a scion of business, but no, you had to study literature.

    Spot foreign secretary Boris Johnson by his grasping sausage fingers.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Imagine the look of a young lad who's just heard a dirty joke for the first time, and doesn't quite understand it, but is pretending he does. That's what Welsh secretary Alun Cairns looks like.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    "I totally get it, guys!"

    Now imagine the look of a man who's just heard a dirty joke and definitely did understand it. That's chief secretary to the Treasury David Gauke.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    David Gauke, you dog!

    This is Brexit secretary David Davis. You can recognise him by his expression that says, "I can make a woman orgasm by simply stroking her arm, like this."

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    And finally, you can always spot minister for the Cabinet Office Ben Gummer by his look of terror at the 12 eyeless, screaming ghosts that follow him wherever he goes.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Why won't they leave Ben alone??

    There you go! You know your way around all the middle-aged white gentlemen of the cabinet.

    Zoe Norfolk / Press Association Images

    Who says they're not a diverse lot?

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