1. I make use of my gentleman-only golf course to conduct important business affairs with my important business associates, who are all men because girls do periods and it grosses me out, ew.
2. I merely enjoy the relaxed atmosphere the club affords me, where among like-minded chaps I don't have to even think about the time I did a big farty fart-fart and it reminded me of girls.
3. We cannot be expected to maintain our swing when we are aware that there are vaginas present.
4. I do enjoy the peace and quiet of the golf course on a Sunday afternoon, and the laughter of women makes me cry because I think they're laughing at me even though my mummy says they're not I know they are, I KNOW they are!
5. Frankly it's a reprehensible imposition on a person's freedom to choose who to associate with, because girls smell and if you touch them you catch girl.
6. Golf is just an inherently male sport, the sport of gentlemen and kings; girls have those weird bumpy bits under their jumpers and wouldn't they get in the way?
7. What if they get their long hair in my yummy lunch?
8. What if they steal my crisps with their sneaky lady fingers?
9. Ours is a practically unique institution in the golfing fraternity, one with centuries of proud traditions that it would be foolish to cast aside merely because of the current fashion, and also I spent ages painting the "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign in my best neatest writing.
10. Women are too slow on the golf course, I've never been beaten by a girl, no, never, don't listen to what Jeff says, he's wrong, it didn't happen, anyway I had a foot injury that day.
11. I'm a big strong man and looking at weak small women might make ME a weak small woman, I know about this because it's science, and I'm a man so I know all about science.
12. Wahhhh wahhhhh WAHHHH I'M A MAN-BABY AND I GET WHAT I WANT
13. I do all my best putting with my erect penis, and were a lady to see my incredible penis, smooth and noble as it is, she would wither right away in a dreadful swoon, and that would hold up the course of play.
14. What if they made me feel warm and fuzzy when I looked at their pretty smooth skin and it distracted me from my man-sport?
15. I am concerned that change, if it comes at too hasty a pace and without sufficient consideration, may cause girl germs to be released into the atmosphere. It would then rain girl and I would be all wet from girl.
16. Boys rule girls drool.
17. My hesitancy on this issue stems from concern for the women's wellbeing; ours in a notoriously challenging course, and my well-founded fear is that girls are bad at games and then they would cry and stamp their feet and then NONE of us would be allowed to do games any more.
18. What if they tried to paint my nails and then laughed at me and it made my heart frown?
19. The presence of female hormones would change the quality of the grass on the seventh hole, I read it in a very impressive book with lots of difficult long words in it.
20. Ow, my masculinity is fragile, ow, stop looking at it, it hurts!
21. I am no mere man; I am a time traveller cast hither from the year 1765 by some fell sorcery, and am greatly afeared of the many changes of this new and terrible world. From wither have these club-crabbing sirens come upon us? Howfore came it to be that a lady-devil took the highest office of our brave and beautiful Scotland? The moors; they weep for Scotland. Has it truly come to pass that the natural order of things has been forever reversed? Nay! I shall vote against these fearsome banshees stepping upon our hallowed ground of rugged maleness. Ay, it will be a cold day in hell when I look upon a slatternly trousered lass as my equal.
22. I have never met a woman and I have no idea what they are like.
23. We are not an ordinary club. Our foursomes and speedy play would be endangered.*
24. The introduction of lady members is bound to create difficulties. Regardless of the conventions when they first join they are likely over time to question our foursomes play, our match system, the uncompromising challenge our fine links present, our lunch arrangements.*
25. It will take a very special lady golfer to be able to do all the things that are expected of them in the template which is suggested and the ladies' membership as a whole may not meet this standard.*
*These last three are actual quotes given as reasons by the members who lobbied to keep Muirfield male-only.