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37 Things Jeremy Hunt Might Be Doing While The Junior Doctors Strike

Some suggestions for what the health secretary might be doing while junior doctors are striking, given that last time he went a bit missing.

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1. Making a pillow fort.

2. Trying to cut his own hair, messing it up, and crying in his bathroom.

3. Using a stethoscope he made out of an eggcup, a coat-hanger and a bicycle inner tube to give Mr Flufftibump, his teddy bear, a checkup.

4. Binge-watching 15 episodes of Dinner Date in his pants.

5. Chasing his tabby cat Marbles around the house, trying to get her to take a pill for her thyroid condition.

6. Filling in at his local hospital, taking good care of a child who is having her tonsils out, but wearing a fake beard so that people don't know it's him.

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7. Playing on some swings.

8. Meeting with the Lizard Overlords, who inconveniently always schedule their High Councils for strike days.

9. Loitering around Battersea Dogs & Cats Home pretending he wants to adopt but actually just Snapchatting all the doggies to his friends.

10. Standing in a field of heather in rural Yorkshire, remembering his lover from years ago who tragically died of consumption.

11. Floating in a pond in the middle of Regent's Park, trying to break his personal open-water floating record.

12. Checking in on how Tim Peake's doing in space.

13. Picketing along with the junior doctors in disguise cos he just wants to be their friend.

14. Planting several dozen tulip bulbs and worrying that it's far too late in the season to be planting them but thinking it might be OK because he had them in the freezer for a week to simulate a frost.

15. Trying to take the perfect selfie to update his Facebook profile picture.

16. Trying to chase a pigeon from his living room before it makes any more of a mess.

17. Practicing his tap dance routine to audition for Britain's Got Talent.

18. Practicing for a gig tonight with his punk band, Speculum.

19. Pub.

20. Attempting to swim the English Channel.

21. Changing all the lightbulbs in his house to red lightbulbs because everyone looks great in red lighting.

22. Stalking his ex's Instagram.

23. Using the olive oil method to clear the wax that's been building up in his left ear.

24. Catching up with learning Mandarin.

25. Having a nice cup of tea and writing in his journal, "Why don't they like me? Why? I only want them to like me…"

26. Riding a dolphin.

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27. Learning the chords to "Wonderwall".

28. Trying an at-home teeth-whitening treatment.

29. Finally getting around to reading War and Peace.

30. Yoga.

31. Chasing his cat Marbles around the house for a second time so that he can cut her claws, and worrying that he'll cut them too far and genuinely hurt her.

32. Filling in on a scheduled surgery to remove a gall bladder, again in disguise.

33. Taking advantage of a big sale on at Topman.

34. Playing a mysterious flute that was given to him as a child by an old woman with leaves in her hair and would summon the healing pixies if only he could remember the right tune.

35. Having a drink of milk and letting it dribble down his chin and spill across his shirt and not even cleaning it up.

36. Just sitting at home feeling a bit ill.

37. Giving a brief interview before going back to dolphin-riding practice.

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