He checked out other women when you were in public together.He pointed at another woman and said: “You should dress more like her.”He accused you of being paranoid.But if you ever hung out with other guy friends, HE got incredibly paranoid.He would say the phrase: “Is it because you’re on your period?”He often treated you as a mum.He often treated you as a therapist.When he invited you to hang out with his friends he sort of left you in the background without properly introducing you to anyone.Then if you started talking to people he’d accuse you of “flirting”.Romantic displays weren’t really for your benefit – he did them so you’d tell all your friends what a great guy he was.He would tell you to “calm down”.He would tell you to “stop being weird”.He made fun of a hobby you loved because he thought it was “lame”.He never put the toilet seat down.One time he didn’t put the toilet seat down and you went for a night wee, didn’t notice, and fell in.He mocked the way you talk.He mocked your laugh.He gave you an ACTUAL DISEASE.He never let you choose music in the car.He thought he was smarter than you.He thought his career or education was more serious and important than yours.He’d say mean things about your relatives.He’d say mean things about your friends.He took food from your plate just because you were “eating too slow”.He told you “you don’t have to order the salad you know”, even though you ordered it just 'cause it looked delicious.He wouldn’t wash his sheets frequently enough, and there were stains, and you suffered with them.If you were walking in difficult shoes he wouldn’t slow down so you could walk together.He justified dickish behaviour by saying "all guys are just like this”.He would fake-cry to win an argument.He had ~opinions~ about what you ate and said it was because he cared about your health but obviously he was just a body-shaming idiot who didn’t deserve you.He wanted a medal every time he did something nice, like remember your birthday.He wanted a medal every time he cooked or cleaned.He wanted a medal every time he went down on you.Sex was mainly about his needs.He didn’t have the patience to make you orgasm.But he thought it was his RIGHT to have an orgasm every time.And he’d make you feel guilty if he didn’t get one.He never once asked what YOU liked in bed.He drove like an idiot to show off how dangerous and brave he was.He took coffee way, way too seriously.He assumed you wouldn’t like the same drinks as him – for example, by saying “You wouldn’t like this wine – it’s very earthy” even though what the fuck did he know about your tastes, you had been dating, like, two weeks, Jesus Christ.He assumed you wouldn’t like the same sports or games as him, and didn't bother to ask.He was a champion at mansplaining. It was his favourite sport.He claimed he “wasn’t good at” things like putting on a duvet cover so you would always have to be the one to do it, surprise sur-fuckin-prise.He acted like you were physically weak.He would be way too surprised when you said something intelligent or funny. Like, sorry, is it surprising for me to be clever and hilarious?When he’d say something horrible in an argument he’d justify it by claiming he was just being “logical”, “rational”, or “playing devil’s advocate”.He would assume he’d won an argument if he managed to make you cry.He made you cry. A LOT.But said it was your fault for being “too sensitive”.He said what you should wear and how you should do your hair (which you have realised in retrospect is really controlling, fucked-up behaviour).He said you were "letting yourself go" if you had, like, leg hair or chipped nails (again, wtf).He talked about your sex life in front of his friends when you really didn’t want him to.He was jealous when good things happened to you or you were successful in some way.He cheated on you once.He cheated on you more than once.He probably cheated on you, but you never found out.He had a secret other partner the entire time you were together.He started a new relationship before breaking up with you.He explained to you that it wasn’t “natural” for men to be monogamous.He broke up with you via text.He was just definitely, 100%, undeniably, hilariously trash.He was such a big, whiny baby that you’re slightly embarrassed you dated him at all, but we all need the D sometimes so you’re not too hard on yourself, and also now you have some great stories at least.You have spent many an hour laughing about your trash ex-boyfriend with your friends.Dating your trash ex-boyfriend has helped you to learn how to avoid trash in the future. ~~You live and you learn.~~
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