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How Bad At Sex Are You?

This has never happened to me before, I swear!

Posted on
michaeljung / Thinkstock / Via Hannah Jewell / Robin Edds
  1. Tick off all the things you've done during sex.

    Check
    Fallen asleep.
    Check
    Made your partner fall asleep.
    Check
    Stopped sex to check your phone.
    Check
    Stopped sex to check your partner's phone.
    Check
    Yawned.
    Check
    Deliberately avoided eye contact.
    Check
    Got a bit hungry and stopped for a snack.
    Check
    Stopped to make a nice cup of tea.
    Check
    Accidentally spilled a hot drink on your partner.
    Check
    Failed miserably at "talking dirty".
    Check
    Ruined an item of clothing in a non-sexy way.
    Check
    Farted once.
    Check
    Farted between one and 10 times.
    Check
    Farted more than 10 times.
    Check
    Said the wrong name.
    Check
    Shouted the wrong name.
    Check
    Revealed a tattoo of the wrong name.
    Check
    Accidentally elbowed your partner in the face.
    Check
    Accidentally kneed your partner in the groin.
    Check
    Thought about the plot of your favourite TV show.
    Check
    Thought about your ex-partner.
    Check
    Thought about your ex-partner's new partner.
    Check
    Peed the bed.
    Check
    Threw up a little.
    Check
    Put on wildly inappropriate music.
    Check
    Wondered if you were bad at sex.
    Check
    Squawked like a red-tailed hawk.
    Check
    Awkwardly asked your partner to be quiet.
    Check
    Cried.
    Check
    Got a bit...lost.
    Check
    Used teeth (because you read about it in Cosmo).
    Check
    Did literally anything you read about in Cosmo.
    Check
    Couldn't get it up.
    Check
    Couldn't get it in.
    Check
    Couldn't tell if it was up.
    Check
    Couldn't tell if it was in.
    Check
    Accidentally made out with your pillow.
    Check
    Accidentally made out with your own arm.
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    Purposefully made out with your pillow or arm.
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    Described something as "kinky" that you knew at heart wasn't at all kinky.
    Check
    Struggled to remove your top.
    Check
    Failed to remove a bra.
    Check
    Got trapped in skinny jeans.
    Check
    Just given up because you were trapped in skinny jeans.
    Check
    Kept your socks on.
    Check
    Smacked your head against the wall.
    Check
    Drooled on your partner's face.
    Check
    Fallen off the bed in a non-sexy way.
    Check
    Flung your partner out of bed in a non-sexy way.
    Check
    Got a nose bleed.
    Check
    Thought about dinner.
    Check
    Watched the telly over your partner's shoulder.
    Check
    Caught your partner watching the telly.
    Check
    Been denied a high five in the middle of the action.
    Check
    Completely fallen apart because you realized your pet was watching.
    Check
    Attempted to incorporate food in a way that you later regretted.
    Check
    Attempted to incorporate bondage in a way that you later regretted.
    Check
    Checked the time.
    Check
    Giggled at the wrong moment.
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    Said "lol" while your partner orgasmed.
    Check
    Screamed your own name while orgasming.
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    Added a literal notch to your bedpost after sex.
    Check
    Made an absolute catastrophe out of condom disposal.
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    Finished and said, "Can't wait to tell the office about this!"
    Check
    Finished and never spoke a word to your partner again.
    Check
    Finished and immediately gotten out of bed to write a blog post.
    Check
    Finished and immediately gotten out of bed to update your spreadsheet.
    Check
    Finished and said, "I'm so, so sorry."
    Check
    Finished and not said "I'm so, so sorry" when you probably should have.
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