1. Wearing shorts or a skirt and crossing your legs for a while...then having to unstick them like you’re peeling apart two pieces of sliced cheese.
2. If you menstruate, getting your period in summer and enjoying the way the blood mingles with vagina sweat.
3. Not knowing if your butt sweat is actually leaky period juice. Lol.
4. Shaving around your bikini line, because it’s apparently more acceptable to have angry red bumps on display than hairs.
5. Or getting a wax only to have your pubes take revenge in the form of ingrown hairs and weird, uneven stubble.
6. Standing up after you’ve been sitting on a plastic chair, and then glancing at it to see a full-on ocean of butt sweat.
7. Having to peel your ass off a chair like getting a label off a water bottle.
8. Sitting on a fabric train seat in shorts and just imagining all the butt sweat that’s come before you, which is now absorbing into your skin.
9. Subtly trying to itch your bikini line in public because you shaved and now it’s on fire.
10. Having a sweaty crotch make everything even MORE itchy, so like, holding your bag in front of your vag to get a public yet discreet scratch in, like a lady.
11. Putting on a nice summer dress and getting about a mile away from your house before your start to notice the thigh chafing...so all you can do is tuck the fabric between your legs and waddle like a penguin for the rest of the day.
12. Swimming in the sea, putting your dress back on, and then experiencing the NEXT LEVEL thigh chafe from the salt water.
13. And smelling like a dead sea creature from the combined smell of sunscreen, sweat, and seawater.
14. Wearing shorts that cut into your thighs and leave ridiculous red marks when you take them off.
15. The special smell bras get in the summer. And there’s just no way you can wash them often enough to fight the stank, so you just kind of deal with it.
16. Collecting a lake of sweat on your back under your bra.
17. And if you have a white bra it kind of…...changes colour.
18. And so does the rest of your underwear.
19. Sleeping in hot weather and waking up with a neck that’s so sweaty it has actually soaked your hair. And if your hair is long, strands have gotten stuck across your front and your neck like vicious, wet snakes.
20. Getting on a hot train and having your makeup melt off your damn face.
21. Not realising your makeup has melted, making it look like you’ve been hysterically crying, until hours later when you finally catch your face in a mirror.
22. The extra-special bloating that happens before your period in summer that inflates your whole body like a giant hot air balloon.
23. The majestic sweat waterfalls that begin to flow from under your boobs.
24. The glorious, magnificent sweat oceans that collect in your cleavage.
25. Stressing from the constant threat of boob disasters from loose summer tops and swimsuits.
26. Wearing new, summery flats for the first time and actually shredding the skin from the back of your heel.
27. Having to clean blood out of new shoes. New shoes that smell like feet in summer. And blood.
28. Wearing strappy leather sandals for the first time and completely mutilating your little toes.
29. Then watching your little toes grow their protective calluses over the summer, which basically look like big nasty blisters.
30. Forgetting to shave your toes so just walking around with a nice pedicure but with Rapunzel-length hair flopping around on your big toes, slightly ruining the dainty effect.
31. Wearing a strapless bra for summery tops which usually turns into a suffocating, sticky, sweaty struggle to breathe without having a boob pop out and embarrass you and your loved ones.
32. Sitting on the grass in a park in a skirt, and trying to stumble awkwardly to the side like a shit ice skater to get up without flashing anyone.
33. Getting grass criss cross marks all over your legs.
34. Going to the beach on your period and just imagining your tampon string escaping the bikini bottom and swinging in the wind like a flag that says “HEY EVERYBODY, THIS BITCH IS BLEEDING AT THE BEACH!”
35. Wearing bikini bottoms that are either too small and give you a muffin top-wedgie combo, or that are saggy in the butt.
36. Thinking you’ll get a nice, even tan, but then ending up with a tan line from your handbag or your sunglasses instead.
37. Getting a sunburn on your butt in the shape of your swimsuit.
38. Getting a sunburn on the first day you spend in the sun, and then watching your skin peel off like flakes of Parmesan for the rest of the week.
39. Going to the beach and collecting a mountain of sand in your bikini bottoms.
40. Having that sand getting stuck in places sand is not meant to be.
41. Wearing a playsuit in hot weather, and having it ride up to mingle with your vag sweat.
42. Collecting so much hair sweat when you exercise that you can actually wring it out at the end of the day.
43. Collecting enough upper-lip sweat to give yourself a shining, shimmering mustache.
44. Wearing a thong in summer, and having to peel it off to pee like you're getting a string off a big, quality ham.