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Can You Survive The Day As Jeremy Corbyn?

It's a bit of a difficult day for the Labour leader.

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  1. You are Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. In the middle of the night, you sacked your shadow foreign secretary Hilary Benn for plotting against you. You’ve managed to get a few hours of sleep – what’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

    Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Have a nice cuddle with Gato the Cat while enjoying a cup of green tea.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Catch up on last week’s Game of Thrones.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Ring up your spin doctor Seumas for advice about what to do, while cuddling Gato.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Ring up a Sunday politics programme and scream down the line, “I DON’T NEED THEM, I DON’T NEED ANYONE, I’M A BIG STRONG BOY AND I HAVE A BIG STRONG MANDATE FROM THE PARTY MEMBERS”.
  2. Correct
    Incorrect
    Try his mobile phone.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Have an aide who happens to be at Glastonbury go round the campgrounds searching all the tents for him.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Make small, whimpering sounds that you hope he will feel across space and time.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Forget it, just sack him, he’s probably plotting against you anyway.
  3. Correct
    Incorrect
    Deflect any and all responsibility for Brexit to the Tories.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Deny any instability in the party. When you are challenged on this, whisper “no” over and over again while rocking back and forth in your seat until the producers cut away.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Have Gato in your briefcase, and pull him out to the delight of viewers the moment things turn sour.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Ignore the invitation – it'll probably all blow over by Monday.
  4. It’s the middle of the afternoon and you’ve lost six members of your shadow cabinet. You get a phone call from another who is considering resigning, expressing doubts about your leadership in a time of great turbulence. What do you say to them?

    ODD ANDERSEN/AFP/Getty Images
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Look, don’t you think the best plan would be to stick together while the Tories tear each other apart? Can we all just chill for a minute?”
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Good riddance, you steaming, traitorous shite!”
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "STAY, PLEASE STAY, YOU CAN BE SHADOW FOREIGN SECRETARY AND HAVE A REALLY NICE OFFICE.”
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Put on a funny voice and deny being Jeremy Corbyn, claiming instead to be “Mrs Hodgekiss, a little old lady who doesn’t know much about politics but who loves her grandchildren very much”.
  5. Correct
    Incorrect
    Yoga with Gato.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Lock yourself in your favourite closet and have a little scream.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Catch up on some columns defending you in The Guardian.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Send a mean text to Hilary Benn.
  6. You’re at home in the evening and need to empty Gato’s litter tray in the bin outside. You try to nip out the front door without anyone noticing, but a swarm of press closes in around you and demands a comment. What do you do?

    Chris Ratcliffe/Getty Images
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Say “no comment” and get back inside as quickly as possible.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Pour the contents of the dirty litter tray over your own head while laughing maniacally.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Throw the contents of the dirty litter tray over the assembled press and run.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Cry and hug a reporter.
 
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