back to top

11 British Condiments America Needs

Americans, you are missing out on the taste of BROWN.

Posted on

1. OK America. Let's talk about the condiments you're missing. First of all, ever heard of BROWN SAUCE??

HP Sauce

NO, you haven't, because your life is sad and incomplete.

What is brown sauce? It's not ketchup. It's not BBQ sauce. It's kind of like steak sauce, I guess. Mostly it just tastes like the colour brown.

You put it on bacon sandwiches or eat it with beef or just guzzle it straight out the bottle. (This is an old British tradition, and you should try it if you ever visit – the locals will be very impressed.)

Advertisement

THIS is pickle. You may not like it, but this is what peak pickle performance looks like.

Tesco

Why is it called pickle? I don't fucking know, I'm not a scientist.

You put it on some bread and put some nice cheese on the bread and then you put it all in your mouth, and boom, you've had a nice lunch.

3. Next up: Nando's peri-peri sauce.

Ocado

Technically Nando's is from South Africa, but it's very important to British culture, as a way for impressionable young people to prove how strong and brave they are to their peers through the medium of chicken.

Whether you choose extra-hot, hot, or medium peri-peri sauce on a night out with your friends determines your sexual viability forever. It tastes like peer pressure (but in a good way).

4. Or you can have lemon & herb, if you're not as susceptible to peer pressure.

Ocado

The mildest of the peri-peri sauces is quite nice, but if you ever order it you will have to carry the memory like a dark and terrible secret for the rest of your life.

5. Anyway, if you like your condiments to be highly divisive, Marmite's the one for you!

Tesco

It's rich in B vitamins. It tastes like YEAST.

Everybody loves the taste of YEAST. It's like SALT, but YEASTIER.

It's the taste of inky black SAVOURY-ness. You put it on toast and feel old.

Advertisement

6. Say it with me: Worcestershire Sauce.

Lea & Perrins

Haha you don't know how to say Worcestershire Sauce.

Yes, you can find Worcestershire sauce in the US, but it isn't part of the national fabric the way it is in Britain. And everything tastes better when it's part of the national fabric.

7. And then there's Reggae Reggae sauce.

Levi Roots

The US doesn't really obsess over celebrity chefs the way the UK does. Levi Roots is a Jamaican-British musician who made this jerk barbecue sauce a hit after appearing on Dragons Den, a reality show where people wearing suits throw their money around, as rich people do. You need to try this sauce because it's famous, and by eating it, you can become famous too.

8. Do you ever eat lamb and wish it were more toothpaste-y, in a nice way?

Colman's

Then boy oh boy should you try mint sauce. Mint sauce! It's made out of mint, and it's nice, for some reason.

9. Moving on. Look, you haven't lived until you've bellowed down a sturdy wooden dining table to your wife of 40 years, "DO PASS THE BRAMLEY APPLE SAUCE, DARLING."

RedMart

You have it with roast pork for Sunday lunch while looking outside at the encroaching darkness of winter, and you feel warmer, slightly, for a second.

10. English mustard, here to fuck you right up.

UKGoods

Do not put this all over your food like you would with weak-as-hell American mustard. If you do, you will breathe fire, pass out, and ruin Christmas. Instead, smear a little bit right on your sausage, put it in your mouth, and enjoy the sensation of your eyes watering up a little bit.

11. And finally, a CONTROVERSIAL CONDIMENT: salad cream.

Ocado

Bear with me. The idea of salad being creamy may not sound that appealing. And that's fair.

But think of it instead as like, I dunno, the sexier cousin of mayonnaise. Or if salad dressing was harder and thicker. You can put a glob of it on a carrot and boom, you're eating vegetables, in a way.

Yes, Americans, you may have larger hats and more impressive mountains than the UK, but you don't have salad cream and that's a pity.

Promoted

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

Dismiss