1. Repeating the phrase “Hi, I’m Ronald Trump, that other guy’s long lost identical twin brother who definitely never said any of that stuff” to see how it sounds.
2. Trying it again but in a foreign accent.
3. Laughing at the funny foreign accent.
4. Practising very hard at not saying the words “grab” or “pussy” at any point, no matter how much he wants to.
5. Practising very hard not to say anything that even vaguely rhymes with these words, like “crab” or “Debussy”.
6. Reluctantly throwing out his notes for the lengthy segment he was planning on his favourite early 20th century French composers.
7. Googling stuff like “how to stage own death” and “how to get to Buenos Airies on fake passport”.
8. Considering blaming the microphone for working too well.
9. Taking some time to relax by thinking back fondly on some things he’s grabbed lately, like that moth that was bothering him, straight out of the air.
10. Thinking back fondly to some of his favourite seductive furniture shopping trips. "Oh yeah, you like furniture don't you? I know nice furniture. Why don't you buy that furniture? It is good furniture, belive me, I know a lot about furniture and that is definitely nice furniture. Really really beautiful furniture, just like you."
11. Calling his good friend John McCain for a little pre-debate advice, but for some reason going straight to voicemail.
12. Calling Condoleezza Rice for advice but it going to voicemail.
13. Calling Paul Ryan for advice but it going to voicemail.
14. Calling Kelly Ayotte for advice but it going to voicemail.
15. Calling Reince Priebus for advice but it going to voicemail.
16. Calling Mitch McConnell for advice but it going to voicemail.
17. Calling John Thune for advice but it going to voicemail.
18. Calling Cory Gardner for advice but it going to voicemail.
19. Calling Lisa Murkowski for advice but it going to voicemail.
20. Calling Mark Kirk for advice but it going to voicemail.
21. Calling Brian Sandoval for advice but it going to voicemail.
22. Calling Mike Crapo for advice but it going to voicemail.
23. Calling Arnold Schwarzenegger for advice but it going to voicemail.
24. Calling basically every elected Republican from the state of Utah for advice but it going to voicemail.
25. Calling Chris Christie for advice and having a lovely chat.
26. Giving up and sitting down with his advisers to go over the tape of the vice presidential debate for tips, but refusing to look at the screen, and putting his fingers in his ears whenever Pence speaks.
27. Consulting with a hairdresser about getting more of a "Pence look" going on.
28. Sending Pence a text that says, “Congrats on the debate performance, shame you’ll never have any real power. Sad!”
29. Lying peacefully in his flotation tank, taking the opportunity to center his energy flows and remove impurities from his body and mind.
30. Shredding tax returns.
31. Getting a very oily massage for his entire naked body.
32. Topping up his tan (the oil took some of it off).
33. Sitting in a sauna, crying hot tears, wondering when it all went wrong.
34. Staring at himself in a fogged-up hand mirror, whispering “you’re so beautiful, you can do this, you’re the most beautiful boy in the world, you’re a star, a real star, you can do anything you want, everybody loves you.”
35. Deciding he needs a bold new policy point to disrupt the media narrative.
36. Calling all his advisers into the sauna with him to draft his new “tough on clowns” policy.
37. Suddenly standing up, so that his tiny towel slips from his waist, and screaming, “I will personally destroy all clowns! I WILL SEE TO IT PERSONALLY!”
38. Practising slamming Hillary as “weak on clowns”.
39. “She’s been a huge, huge clown supporter, she basically invented clowns. Clownlover Hillary, that’s what I – that’s what so many people, so many people are calling her. I mean we’ve got clowns. You know, we’ve got clowns now. So many clowns, it’s a terrible terrible situation with the clowns. And she invented them, she invented squirty flowers. You never see how big her shoes are, they – the media, the media, they won’t show you her enormous shoes. What is this country.”
40. Trying to find a picture of Hillary with a clown
41. Doing a silent fist-pump of triumph:
42. Weeping loudly and freely.
43. Wondering if he shouted “boo!” very loudly and waved his arms at Hillary she might fall over or start coughing or something and then he’d be president because people don’t like presidents who cough, no, they like presidents who don’t cough, that’s what they care about most of all.
44. Filling the pockets of the suit he plans to wear at the debate with black pepper so that he can toss it in the air at a crucial moment. If that doesn’t make her cough, nothing will.
45. Re-organising the teddy bears at the end of his bed, which is the only thing that really soothes him nowadays. His teddy bears never judge him for the silly things he says. They know it’s only banter.
46. Shaving the corns on his feet.
47. Shaving the beard of the tiny growth on his left side, which he’s named Marty, cause it looks like a Marty.
48. Having his nose surgically blocked up.
49. Practising shouting “WRONG” with a blocked nose.
50. Discussing policy in detail with a selection of the world’s top experts.
51. Hahaha no I meant engaging in some “locker room banter” which is in fact not “banter” but deeply violent speech, revealing him to be a predatory, self-obsessed monster who sees himself as entitled to the bodies of women he considers not to be human beings but sexual objects to be preyed upon with impunity haha.
52. Winding down with a few gentle lies.
53. Telling his teddy bears about all the good lies he did that day, then tucking them into bed like little sausages, the same way he likes to be tucked in at night by his Chris Christie, tucked up a tight as can be so he’s super snuggly, then breathing deeply, turning off the light and heading downstairs to the waiting limousine. “It’s going to be okay, isn’t it?” he whispers to Marty. “I’m going to have a great debate tonight, everybody will see, Marty, won’t they?”
Marty does not reply.