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24 Ways Brexit Is Basically Just Your Shitty Ex-Boyfriend

"Take you out for a nice meal for your birthday? I never said that."

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1. He’d make incredible-sounding promises to you...

"Absolutely, I'll take you for a nice meal on your birthday, baby."
Matt Cardy / Getty Images

"Absolutely, I'll take you for a nice meal on your birthday, baby."

2. ...but then he'd try to wriggle out of it.

Quote of the day, from Brexiter Iain Duncan Smith: "Our promises were a series of possibilities"

"My promise to take you for a nice meal on your birthday was a series of possibilities."

3. Or just flatly deny that he'd made the promise in the first place.

IDS on the money for the NHS: "I never said that."

"A nice meal for your birthday? I never said that."

4. Eventually you'd realise he was just telling you whatever he thought you wanted to hear and probably wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying.

1 contradicts 4. 2 is already the case. 3 also contradicts 4. 5 can't be guaranteed. Apart from that, top work.

5. If you ever questioned the things he said, he'd get mad and belittle you in wild and illogical ways.

"People in this country have had enough of experts," claims Michael Gove. #InOrOut

He didn’t like girls who were smarter than him, clearly.

6. Whenever he got caught out in a lie he’d just stand there looking guilty.

Stefan Rousseau / WPA Pool / Getty Images

7. But then he’d try to claim you were twisting his words.

.@evanHD isn't happy with this potential change of tone on freedom of movement...#brexit #newsnight https://t.co/VKnfMz70ke

He'd get very upset about why you were treating him so unfairly.

8. Whenever he was supposed to plan something he just wouldn’t, and then he’d blame you for not planning it yourself.

Conservative Leave MP, Boris backer: "there is no plan. Leave campaign don't have a post Brexit plan, Number 10 should have had one"

Which is why you had your birthday party in a Wetherspoon's two years running.

9. He'd always have a lame excuse for his fuckups.

Boris Telegraph y'day column was "written too quickly" and he's tired. Friends agree sloppy & sent mixed messages & will be vetted in future

“I wrote that text calling you a bitch because I’m ​tired​ because I'm working very hard to ​support us."

10. He was a total control freak.

His obsession with control led you to believe he wasn't very experienced in mature relationships.
Wpa Pool / Getty Images

His obsession with control led you to believe he wasn't very experienced in mature relationships.

11. He'd always insist that you tag along on his activities and you just had to stand there pretending to be interested.

Jeff Spicer / Getty Images
Jeff Spicer / Getty Images
Jeff Spicer / Getty Images

12. He would often make loud, inappropriate comments at public gatherings, much to your embarrassment.

You suspected he was just doing it for attention.
Twitter: @aishagani

You suspected he was just doing it for attention.

13. He'd get *very* petty when people disagreed with him.

Press release from a victorious Leave.EU campaign telling their opponents to piss off.

14. And he was always trying to act macho even though you knew it was just performative masculinity.

"I’m a big man with a power tool."
Matt Cardy / Getty Images

"I’m a big man with a power tool."

15. He was always hanging out with his annoying friends who you couldn't stand.

"Well I like them, so I expect you to make an effort to get along with them."
Peter Nicholls / Reuters

"Well I like them, so I expect you to make an effort to get along with them."

16. Sometime he'd just not show up for things.

Britain after #Brexit summed up in one photo

17. He was a bike wanker.

Stefan Rousseau / PA WIRE

18. Somehow, he'd always manage to leave you without any money at the end of the month.

Coming soon to Thorpe Park: the value of the pound

19. He'd think that there was one rule for him and another for you.

Johnson wants single market access, EU freedom of movement for Brits - but controls for non-Brits coming to UK. https://t.co/gKWwqE17dZ

"Baby, it's just natural for men to want to sleep around."

20. Whenever he got his way, he'd be completely unbearable about it.

"I TOLD YOU I'M ALWAYS RIGHT. DIDN'T I TELL YOU HOW I'M ALWAYS RIGHT?"
Geoff Caddick / AFP / Getty Images

"I TOLD YOU I'M ALWAYS RIGHT. DIDN'T I TELL YOU HOW I'M ALWAYS RIGHT?"

21. But deep down you suspected he didn’t really know what he wanted out of life.

"I'm just going to take a few years to try different things out, yeah? I don't want to be tied down."
Stefan Rousseau / WPA Pool / Getty Images

"I'm just going to take a few years to try different things out, yeah? I don't want to be tied down."

22. Sometimes you look back and can't work out why you even dated him at all...

'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.

23. ...but then you remember how good he looked in a suit.

Ben Pruchnie / Getty Images

24. And how soft his lips were when you made love.

Maybe you two can work it out after all...
Carl Court / Getty Images

Maybe you two can work it out after all...