go to content

47 Possible Explanations For The Dildo That Appeared Out My Window

Outside my window, there is a rooftop, and on that rooftop there has recently appeared the saddest dildo in the world. But how did it get there?

Posted on

1. God dropped his dildo.

2. Feminism has finally won, and this is just what happens in a matriarchy.

3. There are things I do not understand about sex and romance that involve flinging plastic penises on to roofs.

4. It has been there all along, but my life has been too chaotic to stop, breathe, and appreciate its presence.

5. It's a PR stunt by an energy drink brand.

6. I need a new glasses prescription, because it's actually a fallen leaf.

7. A freak urban tornado swept it on to the roof outside my window from the bedside drawer where some nice neighbour had been keeping it discreetly.

8. A elderly neighbour has locked himself in his bedroom. Without pen or paper, his only hope was to scratch a cry for help on to his cheap plastic dildo with his fingernails and lob it out the window. I will never discover the message because to do that I'd have to get a close-up look and ew, it's a gross dildo, which means that the man will die within the next few days from thirst. RIP man.

9. It fell from a plane.

10. It fell from a seagull's beak.

11. It's art.

12. I am imagining it.

13. I am imagining my entire life.

14. I entered a coma 11 years ago, and everything I think has been real since then has in fact been a dream. My imagination has filled in the blanks of life not lived; as my mother weeps by my bedside in the hospital, little does she understand the varied life within. One day, the nurse changed my drip, causing a hiccup in the logic of my subconscious reality, resulting in the appearance of the dildo.

15. Someone had a moment of cheeky dildo-based banter and lost control.

16. A couple lives upstairs. The girlfriend asked her boyfriend for a dildo to reinvigorate their sex life. The boyfriend came back with this plastic, cheap-looking fare, so the girlfriend, crying out to the boyfriend that this only proved that the romance truly had died, lobbed the dildo from the window in order to illustrate her point.

17. Global warming.

18. It's my own dildo. I threw it out my own window. I now fear that someone has seen it and suspects me; by making a big deal out of it, I hope to deflect attention from myself.

19. My landlady is hoping I will leave my flat, so that she can rent it out to a higher-paying tenant. She is trying to smoke me out, but with a dildo. She also sent the cockroaches.

20. The cockroaches carried it on their backs, also trying to smoke me out with a dildo.

21. Same, but it was the mice.

22. Same, but it was the ghosts.

23. Someone in the neighbourhood, addicted to the use of this particular dildo and seeking to save him or herself from the torment of desire, lobbed it upward from the alleyway below. Now, they lie awake, missing it dearly, but unable to climb the roof to retrieve it.

24. Hen party.

25. There are dildos on roofs all across London. You just can't usually see them. The council comes and moves them around from time to time.

26. My faulty washing machine, which shakes violently during its spin cycle, sent it flying from somewhere else in the building.

27. There is a dildo outside my window because my school nemesis has discovered where I now live.

28. There is a dildo outside my window because I once wronged somebody who has discovered where I now live.

29. There is a dildo outside my window because I deserve there to be a dildo outside my window.

30. There is a dildo outside my window because life isn't fair.

31. The dildo is a metaphor.

32. The dildo is an omen.

33. The dildo fortells my death.

34. This is a time-travelling dildo. A dildo that can travel through time but can't pick where it lands.

35. An employee of the café downstairs who made use of this implement every lunchbreak in the alleyway downstairs was nearly caught, but, thankfully, has quick reactions and a strong arm.

36. Someone in the building had a GREAT party and didn't invite me.

37. This is just how the dildo's owner washes their dildo after use: leave it in the rain, and then let the sunshine dry it. Only this time the owner went on holiday and forgot to bring it back inside. They will suddenly remember it while on holiday in Portugal, and their day at the beach will be ruined from the embarrassment.

38. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely dildos.

39. An earthquake too small to be registered by the human senses has nevertheless managed to dislodge it from a windowsill above.

40. Same, but it was a sun flare.

41. Same, but it was neutrinos.

42. A butterfly flapped its wings in Africa.

43. A pair of local youths snuck from their parents' homes to make love in the only place they knew they could be alone: the gross roof above the gross alley outside the gross window of my gross flat. Naturally, they couldn't return to their parents' homes carrying any evidence.

44. Gravity.

45. Angels.

46. An alien, too lazy to do his homework properly, picked a poor disguise for his visit to Earth.

47. My friends, family, and co-workers – tired of hearing my complaints about my terrible, terrible apartment – decided to take matters into their own hands and sent me this sign that it's time to move.

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

Dismiss