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101 Places To Cry On Valentine's Day

Why cry at home when there's a whole world out there waiting for your tears?

1. In your bed, as you wake up in the morning and notice the first light of dawn falling softly beside you on your pillow, like the lover you have never known.

2. Birmingham.

3. In your bathroom, as you brush your teeth, and lean slowly to rest your forehead upon the mirror.

4. Collapsed in the corridor.

5. In a ball under the kitchen table.

6. In front of the open fridge, with one arm reaching inside, behind the old milk, for two-day-old pizza.

7. Underwater.

8. While spooning a scrunched-up duvet, anywhere.

9. Next to the thermostat.

10. Behind the curtains.

11. A motorway services station.

12. In a pile of old shoes, in the closet, after you have stubbed your toe and fallen.

13. Looking out of a window at a garden.

14. Looking though the window into your neighbour's bedroom, where she lies in the arms of her muscular husband, reading a Kindle.

15. A children's playground.

16. Wherever you usually go to buy stamps.

17. On the toilet, after you have finished your business, but before you have gathered the strength to get up.

18. France.

19. In an uncomfortable chair.

20. In the cheese section of the supermarket, next to a pregnant woman who is laughing.

21. In a beautiful public library, as you run your fingers along the spines of encyclopedias bound in leather.

22. At your step-brother's wedding, sitting quite far up in the ceremony, even though you don't know him very well.

23. In an old man pub.

24. In a gastropub.

25. In a regular pub.

26. Two-thirds of the way up a muddy hill.

27. In the window seat of a plane, your view of ancient glaciers mostly obscured by the wing.

28. In front of a woman selling flowers.

29. In your TV room, where you have just pulled away your sofa to discover black mould.

30. While taking a shower, and holding the shower head so that it sprays directly into your eyes.

31. In a rock-climbing gym of which you are not a member.

32. At your ex's house, in their bed, in their clothes, while they are out.

33. In a onesie that is slightly too small for you.

34. Using a self-checkout machine when there's an unidentified object in the bagging area.

35. H&M.

36. Applying tester lipstick at the cosmetics counter of a posh department store.

37. Between two urinals.

38. In a Volkswagen.

39. Standing in the middle of a roundabout, with no memory of how you got there.

40. In a bed strewn with rose petals.

41. In a bed of lies.

42. A crowded elevator.

43. A fire escape.

44. A cupboard filled with abrasive cleaning products.

45. A different motorway services station.

46. Surrey.

47. On live television, sitting on the steps of a landmark, behind a reporter who happens to be broadcasting about a nearby murder.

48. Any off-licence.

49. A rocky beach.

50. At the end of a mansion's driveway, with your foot stuck between two railings in its iron gate.

51. In your sleep.

52. Standing in your kitchen surrounded by the broken shards of your favourite mug.

53. On a bicycle.

54. Over a macchiato.

55. Lying down inside a coffin.

56. In the arms of a complete stranger, who you noticed was also weeping.

57. On a boat.

58. In Costco, next to the gallon-size jars of olives.

59. Pacing back and forth in front of an office building next to a busy road, unable to hear your mother on the phone through all the noise the buses are making.

60. With your hand inside an apple crumble.

61. In the back row at a showing of Fifty Shades of Grey.

62. In itchy woollen socks.

63. On the internet.

64. In front of an old woman pushing slowly past you on a frame.

65. On the top level of a multistorey parking garage, far from home.

66. Hiding behind a post box, with both feet wrapped in plastic bags to keep the rain off your suede shoes, so that your crush won't see you.

67. Outside in a bitter wind, rummaging through a messy handbag for painkillers to dull your day-long headache.

68. In a bathtub full of beans.

69. On a park bench sitting next to your enemy.

70. Ikea.

71. Surrounded by orange peels.

72. In the pub with your boss.

73. At a botanical garden, where a rare cactus is flowering for the first time in 25 years.

74. In a pet store, near the hamsters.

75. In a church.

76. In darkness.

77. In the cruel light of day.

78. In the crushing silence that follows their sharp intake of break that follows you saying, "So I was wondering if maybe..."

79. In a zoo, staring into the eyes of a sad gorilla.

80. In a zoo, with your hand pressed against the glass of the gecko enclosure.

81. In a zoo, with your clothes soaking wet, running away from the shouting zookeepers, clutching the penguin that will be your only friend.

82. In the Apple Store.

83. Into the nozzle of a can of whipped cream that you have just emptied squarely into your face.

84. In your childhood bedroom, where you still live.

85. In a field of milk cows.

86. In a field of raging bulls.

87. In a hedge row dividing the cows from the bulls, metaphorically.

88. Falling from a cliff, where you misguidedly followed that most agile creature, the mountain goat.

89. With snakes.

90. In your blanket fort that you built even though you're 31.

91. In a sex shop.

92. I N T H E S P A C E B E T W E E N L E T T E R S.

93. At the altar.

94. Into hair.

95. Into air.

96. On Twitter.

97. On a red carpet.

98. In the cellar at your grandmother's house, shortly after she has died, as you read letters that you never knew existed, beautiful, long letters, on yellowing pages, in a tender script, and realise that they were not to your grandfather, but to the actual love of her life, a soldier, a hero, a man who would not return from the war.

99. With your partner who loves you.

100. In an air duct.

101. In space, so that your tears are weird and float away from you, like love.