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24 Things That No One Tells You About Moving Out Of London

It's not all walking into the sunset with a belly full of afternoon tea and local cider, just FYI.

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1. You get really smug about your new home pretty damn quickly.

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When friends from London come to visit, you find it really hard to not squeal with evil joy as you give them the guided tour of your new abode: "BUT LOOK HOW MANY MORE SQUARE FEET OF SPACE I HAVE COMPARED TO YOU, PEASANT."

2. And because you're saving so much money, you soon realise you could legit live in a mansion.

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You spend hours pouring over Rightmove because, get this, for the same price as a decent one-bed in London, you can have the dream Sims house you spent an entire week making in 2002 – complete with hot tub, fancy fireplace, and maybe a butler* in the suburbs.

*You probably can't afford a butler.

4. And because you're so well-rested, you stop having breakdowns in public.

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Regularly hitting your weekly sleep quota means you don't lose it and sob in front of strangers in the bank/on the bus/in the office toilets any more. Seriously, it's the dream.

5. That said, you definitely get a bit, ahem, softer around the edges.

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You're no longer traipsing 2.7 miles just trying to change tube lines at Green Park every day. Who knew TFL was keeping you so svelte?

6. And you have to rely on local taxis a LOT.

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Turns out there's no buses and tube ready to have your back every time you neck a bottle of prosecco outside of London. And there are no Ubers or black cabs either.

7. You soon learn that midweek drinking isn't a thing outside of London.

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Mostly because, well, people drive to work. Bores.

8. But that does mean your bank balance starts looking slightly perkier.

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Wait, hang on, is that an extra 0 on the end of my available balance? Well, I'll be darned. This must be how Taylor Swift feels.

9. And you end up buying more clothes.

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*buys all 23 items in ASOS saved items section in one go*

10. Being away from the city means you have to be extra creative on Instagram.

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There's only so many times you can make the same view look pretty. And it's seriously hard when you don't have those damn buckets of flowers outside Liberty to fall back on every time your life gets boring.

11. And you become weirdly obsessed with the cars parking in your street.

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No, but seriously, where the EFF has that car come from? And why are there so many cars in your road at the moment? OMG, does that house have three cars? THREE?! And why haven't you been able to park outside your OWN HOUSE in days? Fuming.

14. You find yourself telling people "I used to live in London" all the time.

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Hairdressers. Strangers at parties. Cats in the street. Y'know, all the important people you're close to.

15. And you don't actually go for all that many country walks.

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Y'know how when you moved to London you told yourself that every weekend would be packed with exhibitions and pop-up restaurants? Same with the whole walking in the countryside thing. Why get fresh air when there are precious Netlfix hours to be savoured?

16. Getting to the airport is really difficult.

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Getting to a London airport when you don't live in London is about as easy as doing a headstand whilst drunk. You want £150 to take me to Gatwick at 5am? That's so kind of you, Mr Cab Driver, please help yourself to the rest of my savings account too.

18. Which means that you make a day of it whenever you do go clothes shopping.

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You factor in time for a nice lunch and spend time browsing. And y'know what? It's kind of exciting. It feels like you're a 15-year-old hanging out in town again, and looking for diamante thongs and halter neck tops.

19. You suddenly have time for hobbies.

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Turns out, when you're not wasting away two hours of every day smelling armpits and getting back sweat on the tube, you have time for nice things like Pilates and baking. Who knew, eh?

20. But you can no longer wear things like flower garlands, flamboyant culottes, and vintage dresses to Tesco.

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In London, no one cares what you're wearing. Outside London, people are mean and people will laugh. Time to get on board with the black leggings and vest top look.

21. Every time you visit London, you get pangs of regret for leaving.

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You'll see the Shard appear on the horizon surrounded by brilliant sunshine and optimism and happiness and you'll be all, NO, WHAT HAVE I DONE.

23. And actually, when you think about it, you realise how relaxed and happy you are.

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It's like you've come out of a reaaaaaaally long hibernation and you look all glow-y and shiny like one of those nice ladies on the front of a chia pudding, raw brownie, and green smoothie cookbook.

24. So, even though you can be a bit preachy, you're happy that you've made the right decision.

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You tell anyone who'll listen how great and free it feels to leave the rat race behind and move into the arse end of nowhere. You get a bit annoying, but you don't care because HAPPINESS AND SLEEP AND TIME FOR NETFLIX. <3

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