We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us some red flags to look out for in a long-distance relationship. Here are the warning signs people noted:
1. "When there is an expectation that YOU will automatically be moving to where they live (and there’s no real reason THEY can’t leave), and there’s no discussion about your needs or preferences. This is especially true if you would have to move somewhere you have no interest in going and would have no friends or family nearby. Don’t move somewhere for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you, and don’t do it without having your own reasons for wanting to be there (like some friends or other kind of support system)!"
2. "If you can tell they're only agreeing to do long-distance because they feel like they 'should,' not because they want to. If you're in-touch all the time and are making it clear how much you miss each other and can't wait to see each other again, that's a good sign. But, if you or your partner are just going along with it for the sake of going along with it, it's not worth it."
3. "They suddenly stop telling you details about their life. The answer to what they’ve been up to lately is always ‘nothing' — no funny little stories or anything anymore. You carry every phone conversation. And, bonus points if the friends they used to talk about are not mentioned anymore and are replaced with a mysterious ‘we.’ Extra bonus points if this happens almost immediately after they meet a new person that they gush about initially. This all happened to me, and it turned out he had already gotten another girlfriend who lived in his area (it was the girl he gushed about). Unfortunately, I didn’t find out until I was hundreds of miles from home in a shared hotel room on a vacation with him when I caught him planning his next vacation with the other girl while I was sitting right next to him. This was after I had spent the first part of the trip taking care of him when he got food poisoning. That trip was a really good use of my money, as you can tell."
4. "When the other person is always too busy. This is true for any relationship, but is huge in a long-distance relationship. If they think you and your relationship are priorities, they WILL make time for you, otherwise they are avoiding you, and it's the first nail in the coffin."
—Anonymous
5. "When they stop doing the things that make you feel connected, like using nicknames or cute, little catchphrases, they’re checked out for sure."
—Anonymous
6. "Not respecting your quality time with other people! Long-distance is hard and requires significant amounts of trust and honesty from day one. Persistently video-calling or asking for picture updates when they know you’re out with friends or just going about your day is not trust and is super controlling. Major red flag!"
—Anonymous
7. "When they'll only talk to you/see you during weird hours. It usually means there is a significant other. It’s not necessarily a requirement to be posted on someone’s social media, but it’s a red flag if they seem to be hiding you and your interactions from their family and friends and want to be hidden from yours."
8. "Any dip in communication without telling you why, or getting mad when you ask why. It's one thing if they tell you they're especially busy with work/school/some other big life event and apologize, but another entirely if they drop off the radar without justification."
9. "Constantly canceling plans to hang out with their 'IRL' friends. She’d constantly cancel our planned calls, movie nights, game nights, etc. in order to hang out with her friend. She left me for him a year and a half in."
—Anonymous
10. "You always have to go to them for your visits, and they won’t figure out how to get to you. If you matter, and they truly miss you, they will find a way to get to you."
11. "Constantly getting texts from your S.O. asking where you are, who you are with, and if you are busy. I get that because you are long-distance, you want to talk to them. That is great, and you should definitely take time to do that. However, there has to be trust, or the long-distance relationship will not work. Do not let people gaslight you into thinking you should not have a life because you are not near them 24/7."
12. "They won't video chat and will only chat via text or on the phone. Huge red flag for me, as it usually means they are not who they say they are. Also, if they can only chat at odd times like during work hours or very late at night, it usually means they are married."
13. "Lack of communication. I did long-distance over the summer one year in college, and my girlfriend had a number of occasions where she'd go multiple days without texting or calling, despite me texting her multiple times each day (talking about my day, sharing things I had seen, just normal talk). When she'd finally respond, she'd act like she was too busy to respond. I think she did work that summer, but it wasn't enough to justify going multiple days without hearing from her."
"When we finally got back to living in the same city, things were just off between us. I'm not sure if she had cheated when she was back home or if the relationship just ran its course, but it was a major red flag for me. My now-wife and I dated long-distance for about six months and didn't have any issues with communication over that time period, despite her working 12+ hour days. She'd call on her commute to and from work (which was only a few minutes) and would text when she could. It wasn't as if we were constantly in communication, but she made an effort to still chat. Technology makes long-distance dating easier than ever, but you have to still continue to put forth the effort to keep that relationship alive."
—Anonymous
14. "How your S.O.'s friends treat you when you're there. I was suspicious of a woman who had gotten to be close friends with my boyfriend. When I met her and whenever I saw her, she was never friendly with me. I later learned that my suspicions were correct. If they were truly 'just friends,' she would have been happy to meet/see me."
—Anonymous
15. "Not understanding or respecting the other’s time or boundaries. In my long-distance relationship, he would double, triple, or quadruple text. I had classes, a part-time job, and a volunteer gig, so my response time varied. And on the same thread, incompatible schedules. There were times he would want to video call on days or evenings I had homework or work, or when I wanted to, he was at his job. You've got to be realistic about what’s feasible, figure out priorities, and have strong communication skills."
—Anonymous
16. "Becoming increasingly clingy/overbearing whenever you're together. When my ex and I became long-distance, every time we'd spend the weekend together, he wouldn't let me out of his sight the entire time. He wouldn't let me go to pick up my dry cleaning without him, he'd stand awkwardly next to me when I was trying to chat with my girlfriends at parties, and had a complete disregard for space. Even though your time together is precious when you're long-distance, there still needs to a sense of trust and respect for the fact that you have lives outside of your relationship."
—Anonymous
17. "I was with a guy for two years, and we lived in neighboring states. I would go to his place every other weekend. I didn't meet his parents, even though he lived in their backyard. Huge red flag. He ended up treating me like a side-piece instead of his girlfriend."
—Anonymous
18. Finally: "If the other person doesn't prioritize making time to communicate in more ways than just texting. Calling and video-chatting are some of the best ways to involve each other in your daily lives, and not being willing to commit that time is a big red flag to me."
—Anonymous
What are some red flags or warning signs that a long-distance relationship isn't going to work out?
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.