Whether they know it or not, kids are hilarious. Between their unfiltered honesty and their curious questions, they can really keep you on your toes. Since teachers spend so much time with students of all ages (and personalities), they are exposed to all sorts of kid comedy.
1. "I had a child sitting at their desk who was really fidgety and uncomfortable looking. I asked if everything was alright, and they said, 'I have to fart so bad, I think I'm gonna get a migraine.' I gathered myself and asked if they needed to step into the hall for a second. The fart was the loudest I've ever heard, and it carried over into my class. I had to open all the windows!"
2. "I taught at a private Christian daycare. We had an older lady who would come in once a week and do storytime with my prekindergarten class. She was talking about how Jesus raised someone from the dead when a little boy shouted, 'Like a zombie?!' She did not think it was as funny as I did."
3. "My third graders and I were reading a Jewish folktale together. We came to the word ‘rabbi,' and I asked if any of them knew what that was. They all sat silently, trying to figure out what it meant, when one student raised his hand and shouted out, 'I know what it is! A rabbi is a steak!' It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about, but then it clicked and I had to explain that he was thinking of a ‘ribeye,' and that he shouldn’t pour steak sauce on a rabbi. I couldn’t stop giggling at that one."
4. "We were reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and a child wanted to draw Willy Wonka. He innocently mislabeled the drawing ‘Willy Wanker.'"
5. "Students were asked the question, 'What would you do if you woke up and there was a dinosaur in your backyard?' A student answered, 'I would shit my pants and call the government.'"
—Eva Hooker, Facebook
6. "From a kindergarten student: 'My daddy gave my friend's mommy a special hug, and now I'm gonna have a baby brother or sister!'"
7. "I've been teaching elementary school music for 17 years, so I've seen a lot. The best was the day my classroom mysteriously smelled like artificial cinnamon — really strong cinnamon. I asked my students if they smelled it too, and they were like, 'Yeah, what is that?' One kid raised his hand and said, 'That's me. I ran out of deodorant today, so I used these instead.' He proceeded to pull up his shirt sleeves to show us that he had tied those tree-shaped car air fresheners around his upper arms, in lieu of deodorant. I was impressed by the resourcefulness, but also like, 'Why, bud?' Needless to say, I went to the store and bought him some deodorant during my lunch break."
8. "My sister teaches third grade. During a Zoom class, one kid put his hand up, but instead of asking a question, he announced to the class, 'MY DOG IS GETTING HIS BALLS CUT OFF TODAY!' My sis gets major points for only losing it for a half a second, and then replying, 'Well, it sounds like you’ll need to be extra gentle with him for a few days.'"
9. "I worked at a daycare throughout high school and college. I had a pre-K boy tell me he had the 'soup poops' and didn’t feel well."
—Hannah Hebrink, Facebook
10. "Me: 'Can you tell me what Indigo is?' Sophomore student: 'Isn’t that a type of weed?' Me: 'No, that’s Indica.'"
11. "I was teaching first-graders when one of the little girls came to me and asked, 'Can we call Mr. C?' (my husband). I asked why, and she turned to the class, who nodded her on, looked back at me, and replied, 'Because you need coffee really, really bad.' I called my husband on speakerphone, and the whole class told him I was grumpy and they needed him to bring me coffee. He did. They made my day. I taught that group for first and second grade. Best group EVER!"
—Beth Cameron, Facebook
12. "Working as a preschool teacher, my favorite thing I've heard from a student was at lunchtime when a kiddo said, 'Ms. Maggie, please pass the fucking peas.' I don’t know where he heard that word — nor did he ever say it again — but I broke down laughing at the table. Hey, he did say 'Please.'"
13. "We use GoGuardian on school computers for students to ask us questions during class. One day, I randomly got a message from one of my middle schoolers saying, 'Sometimes I like to put peanut butter in my shoes and walk around in them.' I looked up at the student, and he was staring straight ahead with a completely serious expression, not even acknowledging the message."
14. "I am a literacy interventionist and special education teacher. I had recently become pregnant with my first child and was sharing our exciting news with my fifth-grade students. They were all sweetly excited and happy for my husband and me. Then, out of the blue, one of the girls said, 'OMG, Mrs. Jimenez, does this mean that you lost your Virginia?'"
15. "A junior in high school once said, 'Virginia? I can spell Virginia! V-A-G-I-N-A!'"
16. "I am an EFL teacher. I taught a student the word 'loyal' and asked him what he was loyal to. He responded, 'I am loyal to chicken wings.'"
17. "I was playing vet with a 4-year-old at a daycare. The kid put the toy stethoscope to my stomach, frowned, and said, 'Ms. Abby, you have crabs.' My co-teacher and I laughed so hard, we started crying. A few weeks later, the same kid walked up to the new teacher and said, 'Wanna know what we don't say? FUCK!' and ran away."
18. "I had my hair cut short and a student asked if I was okay. Puzzled, I said I was. He then went on to say that women cut their hair if they’re having a mental breakdown, and if I needed someone to talk to, then I could talk to the class. Cheeky and concerned, all within one breath."
19. "I teach middle school. One day, my coworker (a fiftysomething-year-old man) let two of our 'naughty' students share a Google doc for their work. Instead of actually doing the work, the students decided to use their work time to paste in pictures of erect horse penises. When the teacher looked at the doc, he saw no work, only a sea of horse cocks."
20. "I got pregnant in November of last school year. When I told my fourth-grade students, they were beyond excited. They began asking me a million questions, offering name suggestions, and one student even asked to see the ultrasound. Well, the very next day, my principal stopped in the room like he does each day to greet students and collect notes for the office. As soon as he entered the room, and before he even had a chance to get a word out, the same student that asked to see the ultrasound stood up and blurted out, 'Did you know Mrs. Romano is pregnant and I’m going to be the godmom?' I laughed so hard I cried."
21. "I once had an administrator come into my room and ask me to monitor the boy's restroom in between classes because some boys were reportedly peeing on the ceiling. I didn't know whether to be upset or impressed."
22. "When I was a toddler teacher, there were many funny moments, but the one that stands out to me involves potty training. The child was sitting on the toilet and noticed he had a penis. He said, 'I have a penis, but my dad has a big, big penis!' I tried not to laugh, and I couldn't look his father in the eye at pickup time."
23. "I was coaching a group of 4- and 5-year-olds when one kid loudly and proudly announced, 'My mummy’s having a baby, and my daddy doesn’t know!' followed by silence in the gym."
—Teresa Holden, Facebook
24. "I had a third-grade student tell me one of his classmates said a really bad word. I asked what letter the bad word began with. They said the letter 'M.' I racked my brain trying to figure out what bad word started with 'M.' Finally, I asked if they could whisper it in my ear. The student very quietly said, 'Marriage!' Wow! I didn’t see that one coming, and it was hysterical!"
25. "The student said, 'Miss, you look really happy and like you have it together on the outside, but I think deep down, you have real problems.'"
26. "I had a 7-year-old come in one morning and tell me their mom wet her pants laughing. Then followed up with, 'My mom says it’s because my little brother had a big head.'"
27. "I am an early childhood educator, and one of my colleagues told me her funniest moment was when the kids asked her to guess what game they were playing at recess. After several unsuccessful guesses, they told her they were playing 'Jungle Queen and Electrician,' as if it was as obvious as hide-and-seek. I had a similar moment last week when I failed to guess 'Paw Patrol Velociraptor Dalmatian Chase Game.'"
28. "I taught middle school health. I remember talking to my sixth-graders about almond milk for some reason. Then one of them said out loud, 'I didn't know almonds had titties!' The way he said it and his confused face were too funny."
29. "I teach teenagers. I was talking about the pope, and at that point, one of the boys had tuned out and did not hear what I said next. I said, 'The pope is celibate, which means he can't get married or have sex, even with himself.' The boy now raised his hand, not having heard what I just said. When I gave him the word, he said, 'So, what does the pope do all day?' The entire classroom started laughing, including me (I was crying!). That poor kid looked so confused and his face turned all red, so I explained why we laughed. He just wanted to know what the pope does!"
31. "I used to teach preschool. During lunch, we were singing some songs and we started singing 'Be Banana.' The song is kind of a chant where you 'be,' 'peel,' and 'eat' the banana, then you 'go bananas.' The kids started substituting in other things for 'banana,' like 'potato,' 'corn,' and 'tomato.' Then one of the kids decided they should sing 'Be Obama,' so they did. I'm not sure if they understood what they were singing, but it definitely fit into the tune nicely!"
32. "My favorite would have to be the 7-year-old kid who, after working on math, announced to the hallway, 'My brain...feels like a dead...goldfish.' I was so thankful for a mask to hide how hard I was laughing!"
33. "I had a kindergarten student tell me that her dad couldn’t come to pajama day because he didn't wear pajamas and just slept naked. The same student also informed me about her mom and dad showering together."
34. "I work in a preschool, and one of our 2-year-olds was on a swearing rampage. I was trying to sing 'Old MacDonald' with him and this is how he sang it: 'Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on that farm he had a FUCK!' I burst out laughing, even though I probably shouldn’t have."
35. "It was my first year teaching special education in high school. I had a student ask me, very seriously, what would happen if we tied a person to a bear. I had to turn my face to the whiteboard so the class wouldn't see me laughing! I had to try to work it into the lesson, like, 'Who thinks the bear would be frightened?' It's still the best question I've ever had from a student, nearly 10 years later!"
36. "I had a kindergartener during my second year explain in explicit detail why she thought there was actually someone in the woods when you say, 'If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?' And she said, 'Yes, someone witnesses it, and his name is Kevin, and he lives in a treehouse in the woods, and he reports the trees falling,' and all the other kids were nodding their heads like, 'Yes, we know Kevin.' I’ve never been more baffled or impressed by anything in my nine years of kindergarten."
37. "I work with middle schoolers in special ed. My hair is prematurely grey, and I dye it. I hadn't gotten to my roots for a little while, and as I was leaning over a table working with one kid, he gave me this shocked and confused look and said, 'Ms. Bosio, your hair is getting OLD!' Another student asked me once how old I was. After a quick teachable moment about the social rules around asking people their age, I added, 'But you can ask me anything. I'm 39.' She shook her head sadly and said, 'Oh, so the best years of your life are over.' I just about fell out of my chair laughing."
38. "One year, while teaching kindergarten, we had a bathroom inside the classroom. As we were making a list of steps for using the bathroom appropriately, I tried to prompt students to say, 'Flush the toilet,' by asking what they do when they're done going. A little boy, with all the earnestness in the world, stood up and called out, 'You shake it!' Lucky for me, I had a whole room of observers that day for another student being evaluated for special ed services. Not a single one of us was able to keep it together."
39. "I was teaching a lesson on biographies and I was reading one about Lizzie Murphy (first female Major League Baseball player) and I was on a page about her being very athletic. I said, 'She’s good at everything,' and the quiet kid in the back of the class said, 'That’s how I am with Fortnite.'"
40. "I came into work a little more dressed up than usual in a pantsuit. One of my first-graders said, 'Wow! You look like you’re going to a real job!' And once, in third grade, the vocabulary word was 'deliberate.' One student’s sentence was, 'I want to eat a pizza, but I have to wait for them to deliberate.'"
41. Finally: "I was filling out some test paperwork for my fourth-grade students from the data their parents had sent me. One student's mother forgot to write his birthdate on the paper, so I asked him when his birthday was. He told me July 3. I asked what year. He looked at me confused and said, 'Every year!'"
—Beverly Aaron Rivers, Facebook
Kids really are something else. Do you work with kids or have kids of your own? Have they ever said or done something that made you instantly crack up? Tell us about it in the comments!
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.