15 Hilariously Horrible First Dates That Will Convince You Romance Is Dead
1. This mismatch:
"In college, a guy in my class asked if I wanted to go to a soccer match. We got to the field and I quickly realized we were there to watch children’s soccer. He took me to his little sister’s match. We sat with his dad and stepmom and I had to make awkward conversation with them. After the game, his little sister asked if I was his girlfriend. He answered, 'Yes' at the exact moment I answered, 'No.' That was our first and only date."
2. This juicy drama:
"I met up with a guy to go out for wings. Before we even ate, he looked me up and down, grabbed my hand as though he was going to kiss it, and then licked it from the tip of my wrist to the tip of my finger. I simply said, 'Well, I'm out of here,' and walked straight out the door to my car and sanitized my hands."
3. This creative approach:
"I'd been texting this guy from my gym and we decided to go out. He immediately told me how he met a gorgeous girl on a trip the past weekend and regretted never getting her number. I laughed because I thought he was joking but he was dead serious. Somehow I made it through dinner, but then I had to drive him home. He went in for a kiss, which I politely dodged. He texted me after and asked if he'd dropped a hundred dollar bill in my car. There was no money, so I told him no. He said, 'Well, whatever. You can just keep it if you're not going to tell the truth.'"
4. This unusual declaration of love:
"A guy had been pursuing me for ages and I finally agreed to go out with him, so we went for coffee and a walk around town. He brought sandwiches wrapped in tin foil just for himself and carried them in his pocket. He sensed things weren't going well and as we were walking through a department store, in a desperate attempt to forge connection, he tried to hold my hand, which I rejected. So, he knelt on the floor and told me he loved me right in the middle of the underwear section."
5. This surprising third wheel:
"I met up with a guy to see a movie and we got there really early, so he made me hold $20 worth of tokens while he played arcade games. Then, he said he had invited HIS DAD to join us for the movie because they had been estranged from one another until recently. The dad showed up and was totally surprised to see me there. We all went into the theater and his dad ended up sitting in the row behind us. It was awkward as fuck!"
6. This snippy guy:
"I met a guy from Bumble for lunch. I asked him the typical first date questions, which he answered, though he never asked me anything. He was Jewish so I asked about his faith because I didn't know much about it. He got himself on the topic of circumcision and went on a 10 minute rant about its pros and cons. I never thought I would hear that much about penises on a first date."
7. This McDouchebag:
"Many years ago, I matched with a guy on OkCupid. His first comment to me was, 'If we hit it off, and we will, we can’t go back to my place because I live with my mum and she thinks I’m a virgin.' We had an OK date but then he insisted we go for a walk. He dragged me into a dark spot on the path, literally stuck his tongue down my throat, and then licked the side of my face. He then purred, 'My dick is massive, isn’t it?' followed by 'You must be so sex-deprived because most guys won’t date fat chicks. I bet you can’t wait to ride my beer-can dick.' To cap it off, he said, 'I’m a McDonald's manager. I can get your ass even fatter. You like that?'"
8. This family man:
"It was 2004 and this guy I worked with asked me out. He picked me up but said he forgot his jacket and asked if we could swing by his house and get it. I agreed, and as we entered his apartment, we were greeted by his parents and grandparents. There were also some aunts, uncles, and other family members there. An aunt told me they were all there to meet me. The guy insisted we stay for dinner and a movie. We watched that 9/11 conspiracy movie and the whole family completely believed it."
9. This unexpected trip:
"For my first date with this guy, we drove 45 minutes to a lake where people were kiteboarding. He pulled out his kite and strapped in while saying, 'I'm still new, but I've done it before. You can watch and go after me.' I watched this dummy take a running leap and immediately get thrown 12 feet in the air before falling hard on his shoulder. He thought it was broken and wanted to go to the ER. We were in the middle of nowhere, he couldn't drive, and we had taken his stick-shift truck. I tried my best to drive stick for the first time while navigating with a map to find the nearest hospital. We spent the next six hours in the ER together while I learned way too much about his medical history and had to talk on the phone with his mom to tell her what happened. We never spoke again."
10. This happy ending:
"A candle fell off a shelf and set his feet on fire. That was 16 years ago and we've been married for 12."
11. This not-so-happy ending:
"I went on a date with a guy from an app and we were chatting about our interests. He said one of his hobbies was writing short stories. Then, he pulled one out and insisted I read it during the date. It was over 20 pages long! It was about a guy and a girl dating from the guy's POV. The story ended with the guy killing the girl and putting her body in her trunk. 'Didn't see that coming, did ya?' he asked. Check, please."
12. This long-distance lover:
"We went to eat and he excused himself to use the restroom. He texted me from the bathroom that he was thinking about me. FROM THE BATHROOM."
13. This final straw:
"It was never going to work. He was the world's pickiest eater and said he liked nothing but meat and pasta (no sauce). He made xenophobic remarks. We had absolutely nothing in common. The last straw (pun intended) was when his drink came. He looked disgusted and said he wasn't going to drink it. Why? Because it came with a pink straw and he was a man. I even had to explain the word 'homophobe' to him."
14. This dancing disaster:
"He lived about an hour away from me but insisted on picking me up and driving me back to his city to go dancing. He refused to set a time to pick me up, so I waited for hours. When we finally got there, he left me in a corner and spent 99% of our date with his dance partner, whom he competed with. The one time he grabbed me to dance, he gave up less than halfway through because I was struggling to follow his lead."
15. And finally, this thoughtless asshole:
"I met this guy at a bar in college and he asked me out. He showed up two hours late with three of his friends. He said we were all going bowling, but none of them actually had money to bowl. We just hung out by the arcade section, which they also didn’t have any money for. Two girls then showed up so we all left and went to iHOP. They treated our waitress horribly and only left her a $1 tip, which they put into a glass of water mixed with blueberries. On the way out, I apologized to her and handed her all the money I had."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and clarity.