1.
shopping cart: $1000 me: omg what a deal shipping: $5 me: https://t.co/FPpUPVMnCo
2.
[bad Italian accent] https://t.co/QYHjRm0CV4
3.
Someone plz get Lightning McQueen a Benadryl :/ https://t.co/wtXc8qsUWr
4.
The bible says Adam and Eve not florence and the machine https://t.co/XKH77oPP60
5.
Now that’s what I call a Nutty Professor https://t.co/UVanl1QQPY
6.
When you’re drunk and run away from your sober friend https://t.co/J4pTinoREm
7.
when u carry ur pet to ur room n it walks out https://t.co/GDLi7Yta9e
8.
Just like grammar used to make https://t.co/XkAaOILLf5
9.
The person who pays for Netflix + everyone else who watches it https://t.co/vt4gOWO7sk
10.
This is the epitome of transferable job skills https://t.co/G6SyveH7UK
11.
Me: “Wow my skin has actually been so clear lately” Acne: https://t.co/7vJ80WRpHo
12.
so? I don’t take pictures of you and tweet “there’s a human in the gay bar”. some cats are gay, sis https://t.co/5ggifcDEjM
13.
“what’s your WiFi password” “It’s on the back of the router” Router: https://t.co/6adCjXpMgm
14.
I already did this in 2003. Next. https://t.co/m5q74sdf3D
15.
Squeeze bottle for sure, Feels like I’m sucking it strait from the gators nipple. https://t.co/TcRzaA1zi6
16.
Me texting my kids once they’re in college and me and my husband finally start our world tour https://t.co/rvMPv2ZGOG
17.
Living in Australia must be like playing Jumanji every day https://t.co/opR8JW1gqc
18.
Women’s shower water. https://t.co/kJvu6FE256
19.
I look at myself in the mirror like this when I’m drunk https://t.co/RxEMTcM5lJ
20.
when the Greeks offer ur city a giant wooden horse https://t.co/qZZfY6cN2M
21.
Ellen looks this good cause she never had a man stressing her out https://t.co/POi5Lsdlus