1.
He looks like the Mediterranean waiter that White women have sex with when they do their spiritual journey after divorce https://t.co/rDXr5J2xxP
2.
Welcome to HMRC online. Please enter your login. Now your Gateway ID. Password please. Now user ID. Government ID please. Enter a code we’ve texted your old phone. There’s a scroll in your garden. Find it. Latin name for fox. Your name in Sanskrit. 176th digit of Pi.
3.
My postman has left his sack on my doorstep. What does this mean? Am I the postman now?
4.
Love Island implies the existence of a Hate Island
5.
he’s wearing what you wore to walk home in after you had PE last period https://t.co/cAENHUWdWM
6.
NAH I’m calling LONSDALE. This has to be illegal.
7.
A guy who I was meant to go on a date with has now cancelled on me three times. I just sent him a message saying ‘I swear I just saw you in a corner shop in Notting Hill’ and sent him this and he blocked me 😂
8.
Isn’t that what Judas Iscariot did #MOTD
9.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around. Holy shit. What a moment.
10.
i just remembered this and i can’t stop laughing why are thEy doing THAT and why is david cameron there
11.
But here I am being a clown every day for free. https://t.co/sXtRqS4LY6
12.
Big Ben is shit anyway. It doesn't even show the date or how many steps you've done.
13.
I see Michael McIntyre is touring
14.
phone notes are wild because one minute they're like "patatas bravas, manchego, olives" and the next they're all "I envy the moon, for it cannot be captured on camera". there's no clearer window into the chaos of the soul
15.
Who knew? Uh.... literally every woman who’s ever worked with a man.
16.
"What's England like?"
17.
lost my phone in the alps in a club and someone handed it into the bar ! i found this vid the next day and i love her please twitter help