1.
jst realised ‘mamma mia’ sounds like a northerner telling their mam theyre home n ive never been so amused
2.
Bart Simpson having a shite next to me
3.
my ex just slid into my DMs with the “this song reminds me of us” youtube drop but rather than link the song he accidentally linked andy carroll’s bicycle kick goal against crystal palace. cool
4.
shoutout to the goth spar in carmarthen 💀
5.
I remember when a guy who we were camping with at bestival asked if he could use my Grindr in 10 mins, so 10 mins later, when he came back to me, I said sure let me just log out, and then I found out he meant a weed grinder and that was the last time I spoke to a straight man.
6.
Customers just asked me what perfume I've got on, didn't have the heart to tell her I'd febreze'd myself so I said it were Marc Jacobs ffs
7.
It’s me everyweek
8.
Do American McDonald’s have bouncers aswell or are we just animals
9.
8 year old me when my mum made me ring people to thank them for my birthday presents
10.
Nobody: JK Rowling: https://t.co/ISXNH6IaC8
11.
So..., my dad had a top of a pic of me when I was younger (mum got it him as joke don’t ask) n I wore it to chill so she washed it at night, came back the nxt day n screamed
12.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic (1997)
13.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
14.
I saw this and thought Lloyd’s TSB were moving mad https://t.co/SvHcohMIRK
15.
One taught me love, one taught me patience, one taught me pain
16.
Seems legit
17.
When I go to my mum’s room to say bye and she starts cussing out my outfit and makeup.
18.
The Postman writing a red slip for your package after lightly knocking the door once
19.
If you leave a child in your car during this hot Glasgow weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag
20.
David: plays a secret chord The lord:
21.
What the Soleros see when I open the freezer.
22.
If your names Hannah and your boyfriend is flying to Magaluf with 5 lads from Manchester today, I’m sorry to break it to you but I’ve just overheard him and his mates clap as the plane landed
23.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of
24.
UK guys at house parties be like ‘bro this song is on fifa 13!’
25.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
26.
Went down to breakfast, came back up and the Maids cleaned the room and made the bed with Henry still sleeping 😭😭😭😭😩😩
27.
London, here, reminding me that I can’t even afford to die.
28.
Show yourself Inspector Gadget
29.
when I'm depressed I remember the time Bear Grylls was stung by a bee and morphed into Benedict Cumberbatch and I find that that helps a lot
30.
Three years ago, I married the love of my life and my sister fell over
31.
🎵can i make it any more obvious
32.
Some guy in Gregg’s in Cumnock moaning about his sausage roll being ‘stane caul.’ Handed it back to the woman to feel it and she’s like ‘aye it will be stane caul, that’s yer eclair’ 😂
33.
My dad’s mate overslept his alarm and had to get on a flight within an hour so he shoved all the clothes on his bed into his suitcase, but when he got to the airport he found out he’d packed his fucking cat AHAHAHAHAHHAHAH I’m not even lying😂😂😂😂
34.
as soon as tipping point finishes
35.
hate it when people refer to sausage and mash as bangers and mash sorry i didn't see the club is alive by JLS on your plate
36.
Train stuck at Cockfosters owing to giant woman in tunnel. I wouldn't mind but this is the third time in a month. Yet again the staff chase her into the darkness with a big net but she vanishes.
37.
star war seating in movie a church 🤝 pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew
38.
Do you lot remember come outside when that woman used to fly to Tesco n stuff in her plane? and now we have a climate crisis thanks pippin
39.
My worst nightmare is Spotify randomly throwing out an Ed Sheeran song whilst I'm driving and then I crash and die but it keeps playing so the first responders think I was an Ed Sheeran fan and they tell my mum and I end up being cremated to fucking Shape of You.
40.
41.
My period tracker apps the same colour as the trainline one. Just showed a bemused inspector that I’m ovulating.
42.
When your mum finds love with a waiter in Zante
43.
Want to feel old? This is what Macaulay Culkin looks like now.
44.
My aunty keeps accidentally linking gay p*rn to me on instagram!
45.
me: *dips digestive in tea* digestive: https://t.co/EfWv0q4bAw
46.
all I see is hummus https://t.co/0zJnA4oqS2
47.
Honestly can’t believe Shirley from Eastenders pulled off all these different moods wearing the same damn look
48.
Fair play to the man, he's eaten his fucking coat too
49.
pingu was peppa pig before that slab of ham even had a second of notoriety. a true mischievous ice non-gender specific icon. couldn't even understand what was being said but you know it was shady.
50.
Grant Holt has given his children some very strange names
51.
I honestly have no idea why my mother has done this. 🤔
52.
Tesco going above and beyond 🤭😳
53.
Every time I check my bank statements
54.
Nandos toilet https://t.co/BQHRTP8IoT
55.
56.
Why does your mum text like a pirate? https://t.co/EpFEKte18d
57.
I’ll never forget when someone tweeted how she was on a date with a guy & told him she liked his Michael jackson tattoo & he said “that’s my mum” yo I cried 😂😂
58.
Two black queens ❤️❤️❤️❤️ https://t.co/566BBsQ1Bb
59.
Can’t believe TFL built a rollercoaster round East London and named it DLR
60.
I’ve just convinced my mate that the inside of a cheese grater is in fact, a sick new nightclub
61.
just absolutely died at this
62.
Whats App tales. Hi dad, you ok? How's things? Will you be home next week, I'll pop round. Dad is typing.. Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing.... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is STILL typing... Dad: Yes
63.
Alright mum, bit forward
64.
this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE
65.
When you're friends with kids from the year above
66.
My 127 year old baby says thank you but please let her die now
67.
PISS IN THE FROG'S MOUTH LIKE A MEN!!
68.
I hope in 30 years they make This Is England 17 and it's just a bunch of girls in joni jeans shagging guys in corsas in maccies car park
69.
70.
mum offered me a bottle of vodka they've had for ages nd had to say no cus i know it's 70% water from me stealing it when i was 16
71.
When your duck is actually really posh
72.
Just want you all to know that yesterday I heard someone describe San Pellegrino Aranciata as ‘Tory Fanta’
73.
Still can't stop laughing at the fact someone accepted this as a fiver in work
74.
MR BLOBBY!!!!!! I’LL FIND WHOEVER DID THIS TO YOU!!!
75.
Ma sisters just told me her pal canny get Indians delivered cause she lives on Curry Street n they think it's a prank call
76.
British autumn - expectations vs reality
77.
Coming soon to Thorpe Park: the value of the pound
78.
lasagna friend who doesn’t talk 🤝 silent g
79.
Coachella vs Reading festival
80.
Mum, that's not a picture of Jesus
81.
fuck off only Weetabix is allowed to be in landscape
82.
Another lacklustre effort from Enid Blyton
83.
Have... have you got any from a cow
84.
REPORTER, WALKING UP REGENT ST: one can only imagine what Londoners are thinking now LONDONERS: why is this prick walking SO SLOWLY
85.
Shag garlic, marry ginger
86.
In this photo Theresa May looks like she is being treated at the roadside after a minor traffic collision.
87.
This entire shelf of own-brand cereals sounds like an old English army Major, trying to find a euphemism for gay men.
88.
You from south london?
89.
Maybe it sounds more family friendly with an American accent.
90.
Somewhat dubious scenes spotted in the background of a friend's 4yo's school book
91.
World’s shittiest petting zoo
92.
Worst insult ever
93.
Alright stop, refrigerate and listen
94.
It's not a baby then is it
95.
When yer Granda's dressed lit a creme egg
96.
We have to stop saying Brexit, because Stan thinks we are saying biscuits.
97.
It's great how the Eggheads have now been given Gladiator-style names.
98.
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
99.
Welcome to Norwich
100.
"Do you think people will know that says arise?" "Yeah, go for it"