1.
8pm. Fade in on Boris Johnson. He stares at the camera without speaking. The nation holds its breath. Suddenly, a knife is plunged into his back. The attacker? Noel Fielding. He licks jam from the knife. The PM was a cake all along. 'Welcome to the fucking Bake Off' Noel screams.
2.
Meanwhile at @sainsburys 😂🤦🏽♂️🤷🏽🍆👊🏽
3.
Donny Van de Beek being interviewed by one of the Borrowers
4.
Hi doll can I book in for an asthma attack on Tuesday at 3 if you’ve got any availability? Xx https://t.co/KuULIH9QVD
5.
I’m not racist but https://t.co/mQDHVoWn7d
6.
no officer, this isn't an illegal rave, we've just got a DJ for our fox hunt
7.
“We join Alan Johnson down the line from hell ... I mean HULL.”
8.
9.
Last week Boris was telling me to go Spoons now hes threatening me with the army
10.
Coronavirus trying to enter a pub at 10:01PM
11.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene,
12.
This photo makes it look like he has just been cast as the latest villain in EastEnders
13.
thrilled to be voicing the audiobook for jk rowling’s crossdresser crime novel! here’s a lil sneak peek :)
14.
did rupi kaur write this https://t.co/cWi5FcD21C
15.
Give track and trace to the 18yr old girls who can take the words ‘Chris’ and ‘All Bar One Norwich’ and come back 30seconds later with an NI number and how much their VW golf sold for on autotrader in 2012
16.
Just had to knock back my first person cause he didn’t want his temperature took, he said they can do anything to you if you get scanned. I’m a barman mate not the fucking men in black
17.
Pretty sure we could test the entire UK in 24hrs if we let Aldi checkout assistants run the testing centres
18.
Yorkshire Kylie Jenner...
19.
Clutching my £170 train ticket, marching towards a packed train, about to visit my family for first time in months, I see a ‘tag’ on the side of it: ‘Well, I’m not getting on that!’ https://t.co/4z3eJLm4M8
20.
I say ‘no worries’ far too much for someone who is approx. 94% worry
21.
Can’t stop thinking about this absolutely criminal behavior in Whitburn Lidl
22.
My my pasta, how the tables have turned
23.
sometimes i do wake up and i do pretend im molly mae
24.
Me and the squad waiting for Molly Mae to announce the winner of the giveaway
25.
Skepta explains THAT Priti Patel tweet with a remix...‘That’s Priti’ 👀
CORRECTION
A tweet has been removed to reflect the headline.