Hey there, cyber freaks and geeks. It's me, Hameda — and I recently asked you guys to DM me about any single thing that you might need advice on.
Well, this week's DM comes from someone who's facing a situation that might make every single one of us who's been through a similar thing, feel a little, well...
We've got this anonymous angel who's struggling with how to tell a guy she cares about that she's just not interested romantically.
Firstly, let's address your bisexuality, because self-discovery and exploring and understanding your sexuality is something to be celebrated. But you absolutely don't need to discuss it with anyone until you're ready — least of all, to let someone know that you're not interested romantically.
Next, let's talk about all the outside influences in your life. He's probably not doing it intentionally, but by telling mutual friends about his interest in you, rather than discussing it with you directly — apart from his unsolicited compliments through text — he's putting you under a lot of pressure and pretty much manipulating you into a situation that you're not comfortable with.
And let me make another thing clear: Having a crush on someone in the past definitely doesn't mean that you're shackled to them forever — hell, I've caught the ick after crushing on someone for five minutes. So don't ever guilt yourself into thinking that someone else's affections are your responsibility.
It can be really tough to be in a position where everyone looks to you and expects you to act in a certain way, when you're just not feeling it on the inside — and it's important to keep those people from dictating your life and influencing your decisions. The first thing you should always consider when making any decision is how you feel and what your gut is telling you.
At the moment, it feels like there are a lot of outside forces involved in the situation, when it should really just be about you two. If he really likes you — and it sounds like he does — then, in his mind, he's probably sending you signals to let you know that if you were to make a move, you'd have a soft place to land. Which is nice, but it definitely complicates things.
The fact that he's not telling you directly that he wants to be with you and is waiting for you to make the first move means that if you were to have a conversation with him about it, you probably need to be prepared for some mild gaslighting.
This'll probably mean your friendship could turn awkward very quickly, so you need to think about the best way to address the situation without necessarily making him feel invalid, or lying about your true feelings to "soften the blow".
So, what should you say? Well, first off, you need to have a one on one conversation with him — a phone call is best, but if that puts you out of your comfort zone, texts are fine too. Let him know how much you value his friendship and that you want to keep talking to him, but in a strictly platonic way — the way things used to be.
Understand that he may need to take some time to process this — and that he'll be hurt initially. He may drop off for a little while to lick his wounds, but if he considers your friendship as valuable as you do, he'll be back and likely grateful that you were upfront and honest with him. And if he doesn't, well, that's his loss and you shouldn't feel any sort of way about losing someone who doesn't respect and accept the way you feel.
Those are all of my thoughts, feelings and understandings for now, but if you guys have anything you want to add, feel free to share in the comments.
Just don't forget to be kind and considerate when you do.
If you've got a question about a problem, have a thought you can't seem to resolve, or want another opinion on a scenario in your life, you can DM me about it on Instagram (@itshameda) or Twitter (@hamedanafiz) to be featured in the column.
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