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An Open Letter To The People In My Life

Read at your own leisure. -- “I am lost but I am finding my way in this chaos” --

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Dear family, friends, ex lovers, potential lovers and people I am yet to meet,

I am sorry for all the times I said I would be there and I wasn’t. I am sorry for all the times I promised forever even though I know forever isn’t a thing that exists. I am sorry for all the times I may have just stopped talking to you all together. I am sorry for often leaving with no explanation. But, although it may have broken my heart and perhaps hurt you I did it for me and I encourage you to do the same. If someone would like to walk out on me right now please do so, there will be no hard feelings because I understand where you are coming from.

Please know that I have a massive heart but through last year I have felt it dying. I have a heart of gold but please know like much of humanity it does shatter like glass. For the past 18 years of my life I have come across so many beautiful things many in the form of people. For the most part I regret minimal things but I do regret leaving things unsaid. So consider this letter the unsaid, the things I tried to say but the lump in my throat made it a little hard to breathe.

I have often said to let go of the toxic things in my life and like the cliché individual I am it wasn’t you it was me. If I just stopped talking you altogether it is probably because I felt the toxins in my body, I felt my soul draining away and as much love as I had for you I couldn’t live that way.

To my best friend, I am sorry I walked away and was too scared to tell you for fear of hurting your feelings. But, I now realise that in not saying a word I have probably hurt you more. Please know that you deserve better someone who tells you how they feel when things aren’t working out. Someone who isn’t ashamed to announce to the world that they are friends with one of the kindest souls in the world. But, I do hope that my friendship has served as purpose to know that you deserve better than me and that me pushing you away allows for better people to enter your life.

To another best friend, I am sorry for all the times I have pushed you away without so much as a warning. Please know I care about you way too much that it scares me, I only did those things because I was terrified of my feelings. So I thank you for putting up with my shit.

To my exes, I am sorry that I wasn’t good enough for you even though I tried and gave you myself in ways I have not with other people. I gave you my heart for it to be trampled on but that is a risk that I unfortunately do not regret taking.

To my family, for any of the times I have let you down I apologize for all of it. Please know that these things have resulted out of love and trying to be what you expected of me. These things only backfired but I thank you so much for unconditionally loving the muddled up mess that I am.

To all the potential dates and people I am yet to meet, I am flawed but so are you. And it is in these flaws that we find the things that make us the beautiful beings that we are. I cannot make any promises but I can tell you that I fall hard and love hard. I wear my heart on my sleeve and although I am afraid to open up I eventually will. I can only give you my heart, my soul and my generosity. I am getting better at not letting people step all over me but some days I fall back into my old ways. So please be gentle I offer you my heart because that is all I have to give.

Love is beautiful; it is anything but pain. It is merely the aftermath of love that causes pain. So please do not hate love for it is the only thing that makes the world go around. Do not hold grudges for life is too short. Let it go. Do not regret something that once made you smile. If we stumble across each other in the years to come please know there was never any hate or animosity. Just love. It is hard to let go of those you love but sometimes it only makes room for greater things to come.

So look up and do not be hard on yourself. Learn from my mistakes and live life without guilt. Each and every person has a purpose in your life, let people come and go as they are destined to. I am lost but I am finding my way in this chaos and I encourage you to join me.

Yours sincerely,

Me

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