Lookin' for a Sugar Mama
"In college, I went on a date with this guy I met on Plenty of Fish. In his profile and during our online communication he told me that he was a college athlete and was trying to go pro. When we actually met in person, he revealed that he had been recently injured, and that was no longer an option. I invited him back to my apartment (stupidly) where, before the end of the night, he proceeded to ask me if he could borrow a few hundred dollars so he could pay his rent for the month."
Les Cousins Dangereux
"I once went on a first date with this guy, and while talking about our respective family histories, I learned that we were in fact related (3rd, 4th or 5th cousins or something). We laughed it off and decided that we would just be friends, but I was so weirded out that I needed to go have a smoke. While outside, I complained to some random person that I was on the worst date of my life, and she volunteered to take my number and give me an emergency call once I went back inside as an excuse for me to leave. I never saw my 'cousin' again."
Better Off Lying
"I was set up with a friend's friend's roommate. We planned to meet at Momofuku Milk Bar. He was 45 minutes late because he 'got in a fight with my girl— EX. Ex-girlfriend.'
"That would have been a perfect opportunity for a well-placed lie, but he didn't take it."
"I once went on a date with a guy who told me he didn't have any favorite books. In fact, he told me he hated reading and hadn't read a book since seventh grade (he was in his early 30s) because he 'always knew what was going to happen.' I told him I found that pretty shocking because I love to read, and he said, 'Why do you love to read? Explain to me why you and everyone else likes reading.' I lied and said I had to take a phone call outside of the bar where we were and just left because ain't nobody got time for that."
*Thinking* About Painting
"I'm kind of a misanthrope and have thus purposefully avoided 'traditional dating,' so I was really proud of myself when I went on a date with my roommate's friend. To my knowledge, this person had always been overt about his skill set, which notably did not include anything creative. I asked him if he liked to do anything artistic, and he said he didn't, but he had been thinking recently about painting. I asked him what he would want to paint. He said, 'I'd paint a canvas purple and then add, like, a stripe...'
"I asked if that had any kind of meaning, to which he said, 'No, it'd just be dope.' I tried to dig a little deeper, thinking that maybe, at one point in his life, some tragedy had occurred that had involved the color purple, and perhaps he was subconsciously letting it out. It was then revealed that the biggest tragedy in his life to date was when he changed high schools for 'being too smart.' I did not let him kiss me."
"I once went on a date that was good. She was a law student, and she was funny, and she liked running just like me. After the date, I offered to walk her home. We turned down a quiet street, and I pulled her close and went in for the kiss. She opened her mouth super wide and left it gaping open as I made little kisses around her lips. She never closed her mouth or kissed back. She left it open like a whale shark swallowing krill.
"The next morning, I texted her and said I had a great time but I didn't feel we had a lot of chemistry. She agreed."
"Once, I went on a date with a musician who I was already kind of a fan of and was so stoked about going out with. He comped me tickets for his latest show; it was a total blast, and afterwards, I hung out with the band, and it was lots of fun. We then went back to his awesome place and listened to records and chilled. Then we went to his room where, on his computer, he pulled up some new recordings he was working on, and I noticed that the background of his computer was a photo of me tiled as his desktop background. We had just met in person that night."
That's a Wrap
"My worst first date was an impulsive midnight showing of a David Lynch movie. We met, bought tickets, and went inside. He literally would not look at me, so we made conversation while staring at the screen. The movie didn't start until 30 minutes after midnight, and when it did, there was no sound. After an announcement to 'hang tight' and 20 more minutes of simply AWFUL forced conversation, the movie started again, but not from the beginning. Take three: About an hour after the movie was scheduled to begin, it went off without a hitch until — uh-oh! — the theater stopped the showing and told everyone that they had to evacuate because the theater had rats."
"Went on a first date with a guy who asked me where I was in Mad Men. I said I'd just started Season 2. 'Oh my god,' he said, smiling creepily. 'That's exactly where I am.' He stared into space for a moment, as if imagining some dream-like scenario. 'We could potentially watch Mad Men together.'
"I realized he was imagining a life for us, which terrified me. I never called him back. Or finished Mad Men..."
We Are All Made of Pluto
"I went on a date recently with a guy that just...no. It wasn't working. At one point, I said, 'So, did you hear we're going to have a crystal-clear, real-life photo of Pluto soon?' And he said, 'That really doesn't interest me. At all. If you meditate hard enough, you can see Pluto. Everything that's out there...is in here [pointing to his chest, of course].'"
"My nightmare first date was this Tinder girl who texted me to meet her and her guy friend at a bar. She didn't remember my name -- which was no big deal -- but when I told her, she said, 'Oh, Emily, like Emily Dickson?' DICKSON. And she was impressed that I worked in 'advertisement.' I mostly talked to her friend because he was more interesting, which ended up being fine because she was spending so much time on her phone texting and taking selfies. When we left the bar, a homeless man asked us for a dollar. When her friend pulled out his wallet to give the dude a buck, she stopped him, saying, 'NO! That's my drink money!' I thought she was joking. She was not.
"The following day, she texted me, and when I didn't reply, she sent me a very tasteful black-and-white selfie giving me the middle finger."
"Once, I went on a date with a guy who was a part-time actor, part-time clown. That's it. That's the story."
Dating is literally the worst.
Ice Breakers Cool Blasts Chews are here to make it a little better by giving you a blast of refreshment when you need it most.