Hi, we're Gyan and Mikey. We may look like a sassy crime-fighting duo, but in reality we're just regular humans. Oh, but we don't eat meat, so I guess that's something interesting about us.
Of all the ~vegetarian struggles~, there's one we both agree is the biggest. It's that annoying thing when your mates go on a Macca's run and all you can order off the menu is a shitload of chips.
Well, it's either chips or a garden salad. And tbh we always choose 🍟🍟🍟.
To start our quest for the perfect fast-food option we asked the masters, McDonald’s and KFC, if there was anything good coming our way soon.
While Macca's didn't even bother replying, KFC made it pretty clear that it really DGAF about us or anything that we do.
Really though, KFC's lame response was extra lame since they have THREE vegetarian burger options in India, where McDonald's also have a wide range of vego options. Hmmm.
We also hear that McDonald's in the UK has a spicy veggie wrap available at customer request. The real question it seems is: If these menu items are available elsewhere, why can't we get them here?
After being shamed and ignored by the biggest fast-food outlets, we decided to ~hit the streets~ and see if what is available is any good.
Basically, before we started convincing our drunk friends to head elsewhere for a feed on the way home, we had to make sure this shit was legit, and worth the argument.
Our first stop was Hungry Jack's, where the burgers apparently taste better. We both ordered the only vegetarian burger, the Veggie Whopper.
Gyan: This burger wasn't the worst thing I've ever tasted, but the ingredient list for that cheese is something I hope my eyes are never subjected to. This burger was fiiiiiiiiiiine, but the kind of fine that actually means pretty shit.
Mikey: This super-cheesy burger got the job done. And while I wouldn't be eating one on the reg, next time I'm on the cans with mates, I might have to hit them up for a HJ's stop.
Emoji rating: Gyan – 🍔🍔 out of five. Mikey – 🍔🍔 ½ out of five.
Our next stop, Oporto, didn't give us much hope with its mainly grilled chicken offerings, but boy were we pleasantly surprised. The Veggie Burger was A++.
Gyan: First up, this burger was fucking huge. I have pretty big hands and the kind of fingers that constantly trigger an instant "do you play piano?" response, and look at that hand-to-burger ratio. Second up, it was damn good. The patty was soft, the sauce was spicy, and the bun was white as the bleached sugar I'm sure it's filled with.
Mikey: The patty looked totally trash (and kind of was) but it tasted 👌😙💯 and the chilli sauce was definitely a major 🔑. Drunken 4am Mikey would be all over this like a rash.
Emoji rating: Gyan – 🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔 out of five. Mikey – 🍔🍔🍔🍔 out of five.
Happily satisfied by Oporto, we still had high hopes for Nando's, which tbh is probably too fancy to be considered real fast food. Mikey ordered the Mushroom Hummusphere Burger.
And Gyan opted for the more traditional and boring-named Veggie Burger.
Gyan: Look, I enjoyed this burger a lot. Did it feel like a fast-food option? No. Would it satisfy me if all my friends were eating double cheeseburgers? No way, man.
Mikey: I'm down with brown bread but this soggy mushroom "burger" came out on what looked like a dark rye panini. I don't think that qualifies as a burger, tbh.
Emoji rating: Gyan – 🍔🍔🍔 out of five. Mikey – 🍔🍔 out of five.
Lord of the Fries isn't across all of Australia yet but it's a vego's dream come true: Every menu item is meat-free. It was our next stop, where Mikey ordered the Original. (Seriously, that's the burger's name.)
Meanwhile Gyan made a huge mistake and ordered the Parma because it sounded way more fun.
Gyan: Honestly, why? Fake bacon should not exist. And if it really has to, it should not be slapped on a burger with this much tomato sauce. Also here to talk about how the flap of ~facon~ totally looked like a small sick tongue.
Mikey: Faux meat usually scares me, but in my burger, it really worked. And an added bonus...not a relish or mayo to be found, only classic mustard here.
Emoji rating: Gyan – 🍔 out of five. Mikey – 🍔🍔🍔 ½ out of five.
We should also mention that LOTF is open in Sydney and Melbourne, with a Perth launch "soon". And another thing, there are no chairs here.
You may enjoy that traditional burger taste, but if you're ordering lunch on Sydney's George Street, that's where you're eating too lol.
By this stage we were feeling close to death and were praying for that Grill'd healthy goodness to bring us back to life. Mikey chose the Friends of Falafel burger.
(Don't let the smile fool you, this burger was dry af.)
And Gyan went for Garden Goodness, which looked at least 19 times more exciting than it sounded.
Gyan: Tasty times 10. This burger would be a great option if you were craving something you'd usually order from your local fish-and-chips shop. That said, I feel like this is where you go for a nice lunch, not for greasy food you're bound to regret in the morning, aka what we're really looking for today.
Mikey: A little burger experimentation is OK, but a falafel patty might be too far. This was dry with barely a smear of tzatziki to be found. I should have listened to my better judgement and ordered a beer to help this go down.
Emoji rating: Gyan – 🍔🍔🍔🍔 out of five. Mikey – 🍔 out of five.
In conclusion: Go to Oporto if you want that classic fast-food taste (and post-meal tummy-ache), Nando's if you want something served on a plate, and Lord of the Fries if you like eating fake meat while standing up.
McDonald's did actually reply to our tweet. Apparently it's trialling a vegetarian item in some stores, so you should ask your local Macca's if they've got it.