1.
Hairdresser: What are your plans for the weekend? Me: Nothing, ok? Every time nothing
2.
hey it's me, your friend who ignores everything going on in the group text and then chimes in every six days with a single "omg"
3.
of all the times I've broken a nail in my life 95% of them have been from trying to open a pistachio
4.
every time I see someone running in an airport I spiritually connect with them. like bitch I get u this my life run sweetie make that flight
5.
[me buying expensive wine that I do not deserve and have not earned] I deserve this. I have earned this
6.
"LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE." commands the small cushion. You whisper "I'm trying" but that only makes it angrier
7.
my exclamation key button broke and now all my emails sound like they were written by a man
8.
I was just at a mixer and I mixed the shit out of it jk not really I talked only to who I knew then left
9.
eating almonds: (seconds 1-3) mmmn! (seconds 4-273) wait how do i get all this dirt out of my mouth oh god make it stop
10.
If you call your significant other your "partner in crime" I will have u arrested
11.
my body: WATER please I need it me: you - you want iced coffee??
12.
it's so weird how girls just know....idk how we know?? shit, half the time we don't even know what we know, but like we know
13.
do ur boobs ever just like not match your outfit like does that make sense to anyone else
14.
me: skincare! my other organs: please help us .
15.
My movements can be tracked exactly by simply following the trail of lip balms I have lost throughout my life
16.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant "I'm not married but I don't want men to talk to me"
17.
I have p low self esteem for someone who always googles celebs to see if they're single after I wake up from a sex dream about them
18.
literally just saw a 10 year old girl wearing a shirt with sparkles that said "doing my best" fucking same bitch where'd you get that
19.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to "trying to figure out a friend's shower"
20.
the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it's a coherent narrative you endorse
21.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because a man told you to.