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20 Hilarious Tweets That Will Make You Think Twice About Having Kids

C'mon. They're sticky and loud!

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does it even matter if babies get switched at the hospital like who cares


oh your son is 73 months old that's cool i literally i have no idea if he's five or forty two


*someone hands me a baby* Oh... no thank you *places baby on the ground*


Your baby is hot. Is that what you wanted to hear


Gather 'round, children! Once upon a time, there was a group of such ugly children that I'm actually going to need you all to move back


Sorry I referred to your four children as "a franchise that gets weaker with each installment."


*pats crying child on the back* "There, there" *child keeps crying* "Did you not just hear when I said, 'There, there'? Shut up, already"


[wildlife refuge] "See the majestic falcon flying" *everybody looks* *falcon grabs my baby and carries him away* "Oh my god NOOO" Me: YESS


Should the flight I'm on crash, know that the children seated around me were truly terrible, do not mourn



"Won't someone think of the children?" "No," said a brave voice in the back. "The children are dull and often covered in something sticky."


sorry i vomited on your baby. i mistook him for another baby


"daddy where do babies come from" "we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"


at one point, every man named Gary was a baby and was introduced by his parents as "This is my baby, Gary" how fucked up is that shit


*listens patiently while my preschooler explains their fingerpainting* yeeeah i dunno sounds like a buncha bullshit to me


Dad, why does a full moon have a beautiful blue glow around it? I don't know, son. Maybe you should shut the fuck up.


For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don't even want it in my garbage.


Missing child found inside claw machine in #Lincoln bowling alley:


I wish Febreeze would work on my middle daughter Kirsten who is garbage


When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.

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