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Ranking This Season's Limo Exits On "The Bachelor"

It's that time of the year again!

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January 4th was the first Monday of 2016 and thus the kickoff of the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Bachelor season. The women came marching one by one and attempted to charm Bachelor Ben with ponies, identical siblings, and lots of sequins. Ben loves sequins!

This is a ranking of this year's limo exits - the actual limo exits only, not whatever half-drunk hijinks these adult women proceeded to get up to once inside the mansion. Entrances will be holistically ranked based on originality, cheesiness, and dress dressy-ness. (Note: I've chosen not to include Becca and Amber's non-entrances, because not only were those non-entrances boring, but their dresses were also boring, and both these girls have the personality of corn muffins. Fight me.)

25. Breanne

ABC

"Gluten is Satan," asserts Breanne, a "nutritional therapist" whose dress is maybe on backwards(?) Midwest-raised, bread-eating, beer-guzzling Ben giggles and winces because he probably doesn't know what gluten is and definitely didn't know that it was Satan. Breanne says that "instead of breaking the ice, we should break bread" (Breanne! This doesn't even make sense!) and then proceeds to smash baguettes against the wet pavement in what I can only assume is supposed to be a paraphrased scene from Les Misérables. It's horrible to watch. It's worse than gluten.

24. Rachel

ABC

Rachel enters on a hoverboard-razor-scooter-thing-whatever and it's truly one of the lamest things I've seen in all my years of watching this show. Her dress, while sequined (you can see the glimmer in Ben's eye!) is ugly, frankly, and it also has a cape attached to the back? "Unemployed," indeed.

22. Lauren R.

ABC

Lauren R. has the lips of Kylie Jenner and the BAC of a Kappa Delta sophomore on the fifth night of rush. Lauren R. thinks she is at an advantage because she's stalked Ben on Instagram, an application that only she uses. She doesn't tell Ben her name, probably because there's a really good chance that he'll get it right if he guesses (so many Laurens!)

21. Lace

ABC

LACE! Lace is lucky that I'm only judging her based on her entrance, because we all saw the shenanigans she got up to inside. Lace, I have a lot to say to you. First of all, wearing an all-lace dress when your name is Lace is an insane thing to do. Second, being the first person to assault Ben with a peck on the lips does not make you the first person he chose to kiss! Lots of weird consent issues here. Her dress is nice in a Morticia Addams kinda way and she's obviously very pretty, but it's Bad News Bears when you can peg someone as the villain right out of the limo. I didn't even peg Kelsey Poe, reigning black-widow-turned-Bachelor-disaster, as a villain on the first night. Lace!

20. Jackie

ABC

"This is unreal! Who are you?" asks Jackie, and for a moment I wonder if she actually doesn't know where she is or whom she's talking to. Jackie then gives Ben an STD. A Save the Date! For their wedding! Oh, Jackie. This is so silly for so many reasons. I also wish she'd done her hair up, but that is neither here nor there. There's no way she makes it past week 2, but I admire her pluck.

19. Mandi

ABC

Mandi, who is maybe Will Forte in a wig, is so obviously playing the kooky kard that it's hard to fault her for it (especially when she genuinely seems to have a good sense of humor and self-awareness.) Her Blair-Waldorf-on-PCP flower headband is appropriately silly; her dress is like, fine. It looks like a wedding dress designed by American Apparel, which isn't ~necessarily~ a bad thing.

18. Haley and Emily

ABC

By the time Emily and Haley (TWINS!) pop out of the limo (TOGETHER!) I am already doubly exhausted by their schtick (TWINS!). They talk to Ben in unison like they're characters in a horror movie and absolutely nobody in America is impressed. Haley's dress is better than Emily's but, honestly, they both look like they're en route to the prom - a fact which is not helped by their being 22 years old. Tandem-bike out of here, twins.

17. Leah

ABC

Upon first viewing, I thought the worst part of Leah's introduction was when she bent over super-ungracefully (it looked like what I always imagined home births look like, but with more rhinestones) and nearly flashed everyone. I was incorrect. The worst part is when she yells "Higgy, Higgy, hike, hike!" and makes every hair on my body retreat back into its follicle with discomfort. However, her dress is 90% sequins, so Ben loves her. Not hard to please, this Ben.

15. Jami

ABC

Jami, Jami, Jami. You were doing so well for a minute! A racially-ambiguous rarity, a name with unusual but not flat-out-incorrect spelling, a tousled lob, and a two-piece ensemble that nicely stands out from the parade of David's Bridal. Alas, Jami quickly reveals that her big schtick is that she's friends with Kaitlyn Bristowe, former Breaker of Ben's Heart. Jami! Don't lead with the fact that you're friends with someone he's had sex with! The sister-wives weirdness is one of the best things about this show, but you're not supposed to talk about it out loud! And Jami doesn't even stop there, she continues blabbering about how Kaitlyn told her that Ben had "a really big…heart." Ben, human Toaster Strudel, is immediately terrified. Jami!!!

13. Samantha

ABC

Samantha sounds like she is on the verge of tears at all times and I am genuinely worried about her. She passed the bar exam, a fact which is kind of impressive but mostly just shocking considering that her idea of a witty pickup is "boxers or legal briefs?" What does that even mean, Samantha? Her dress is also a lot. It's red and lacy and has an open back and has see-through panels and has a giant flared train. Even the horse tries to trample on it. I am so worried about her! Samantha!

12. Izzy

ABC

Izzy wears a onesie for the sole purpose of saying "Are you the onesie?" which feels like a waste. If you're going to wear a onesie, it should have something to do with who you are as a person. For example, a onesie could be a subtle way of hinting that you are actually a nine-month-old baby.

10. Tiara

ABC

Tiara, our beloved Chicken Enthusiast who is actually very pretty and looks an awful lot like nationally-recognized hottie Blake Lively, absolutely floors Ben with her awful dress. He loves her dress! Her dress is so ugly! Their interaction only solidifies my theory that men are very easily impressed with sparkly things. Who cares if her dress looks like a background dancer's costume for an off-off-Broadway musical about a 2004 Father-Daughter Dinner Dance? Peep those rhinestones!

9. Jennifer

ABC

Andi Dorfman-lite aka Jennifer is wearing a very simple black dress that fits her very well but is otherwise just as boring as the rest of her introduction. Jennifer says that "Ben and Jen is kind of too cute to forget." Jennifer is a liar.

8. Jojo

ABC

Jojo looks like Isla Fisher and has the name of America's favorite singer, yet for whatever reason throws all this potential away by wearing a literal rubber unicorn mask on her head. Who is the producer who was able to convince her that this was anything other than a horrific idea, and can we get drinks sometime??

6. Caila

ABC

Caila, a very-smiley girl who broke up with her actual, real-life boyfriend in order to play house with America's Ken Doll on reality television, immediately breaks into a trot and gallops right into Ben's arms like a toddler welcoming her dad home from his business trip to Cleveland. Yes, her cornflower-blue-sequin-y dress is beautiful on her skintone and she has hair like a pony, but she gets points off for the crazy that is clearly stewing behind her chocolate-coin eyes.

5. Laura

ABC

Laura, who is possibly the first redhead I've seen on this show, looks stunning and classy in her navy dress, like a beautiful grown-up debutante princess. The first couple of words out of her mouth are okay, but then she asks Ben to call her Red Velvet. This is not Flavor of Love, Laura. He absolutely should not call you that.

4. Amanda

ABC

Amanda is a mother of two (both girls with cute Christmas elf-y names) who looks like she stepped right out of a "lifestyle" Instagram page with one of those bios like "Good Vibes || God First || Fair Trade Baby Jewelry." She is tiny and tan and has ombré hair. She has a baby voice to rival Whitney Bischoff but whatever! She's pretty and unoffensive and I'm not worried about her.

3. Lauren B.

ABC

While Lace makes a fair point that Lauren B. doesn't quite fill out her dress like homegirl Red Velvet, the color looks beautiful on her and Ben is surprisingly impressed considering its lack of rhinestones. Lauren, who is I think the 27th Lauren this season, keeps it short and sweet and manages to pull off a non-ridiculous, non-giant gift (tiny airplane wings, she's a flight attendant). Very solid first interaction. A+ work, Lauren B!

2. Jubilee

ABC

"I like that dress," says Ben immediately upon seeing Jubilee step out of the limo and Ben is CORRECT. Her dress is beautiful and different, with nary a sequin in sight. She nervously rambles about how she's usually really good at pickup lines, and I believe her! Jubilee seems funny and interesting and intelligent and oh my GOD I'm already disappointed that she's not even going to make it to the final four because no person of color ever makes it to the final four. Ben, be better than the show! (He won't.)

1. Olivia

ABC

Olivia's exit is, I guess, the best of the bunch, which honestly says very little. Olivia, who I can only assume just received her very first hair straightener for Hannukah, immediately impresses Ben with THE SPARKLIEST DRESS WE'VE SEEN! I have zero doubts that Olivia's dress was enough to earn her the first impression rose on its own. He comments on it like a billion times, blinded by both her twinkly disco-ball-looking getup and solitary dimple. They actually talk about dimples for a surprisingly long time considering that the pair of them, we learn, possess only 1 out of 4 possible dimples. Whatever. #OliviasDimpleForBachelorette

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