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Power-Ranking This Season's Limo Exits On The Bachelor

Fifty Shades of Red.

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Welcome back, friends. I just finished hosing down the driveway for you.

I'm going to say something that, apparently, is controversial: I love Nick Viall. I am unashamedly Team Nick. I loved him on Andi's season. (He was so earnestly in love with her! The other guys only didn't like him because he was so confident in what they had, which he should have been! She should have chosen him over Josh "Emotionally Abusive Cartoon Dog on Steroids" Murray! He was the unexpected yet obvious choice! Whatever! Fight me!) I also didn't hate him on Kaitlyn's season. (He had to give their relationship a chance! It was her decision to bring him on the show anyway! He kept his head down and tried not to engage in drama! The only reason he looked bad was because they needed to make Shawn "If Ryan Gosling and Alf Had a Very Loud Child" Booth look better! Kaitlyn never should have let him pick out a ring! Whatever! Fight me!) And of course, on Bachelor in Paradise he was great - he was the only guy who actually formed friendships with the female contestants instead of treating them like baseball cards. He's funny and smart and it seems like everyone else (save for Josh "I will make Amanda keep having kids until I get two sons" Murray, I guess) loves him. But most importantly of all: he is articulate and emotionally intelligent. Do you have any idea what this means for this season? Did anyone even watch Chris Soules as the Bachelor? It truly doesn't matter if the Bachelor is a "good person." It matters if he's entertaining to watch and easy to understand, which I think Nick will be.

I'm more excited for this season than any one before. Will Nick find a spunky brunette to spend his life with? Will there be a single contestant over the age of 25 (Nick, for the record, is 36)? Why do they keep bringing Chris Soules on to give advice? Is it possible for Nick to get rejected as the Bachelor or is there something in his contract that expressly forbids it? When is Nick's little sister Bella going to be old enough to be on this show? Why are these adult women all so obsessed with dolphins?

Put all your annoying group texts on "Do Not Disturb" and let's get started.

30. Lauren

ABC

Nick says “How are you?” and Lauren responds “I’m Lauren!” which is hilarious. Lauren introduces her fine self by telling Nick that they both have terrible last names. “Viall” is not that bad of a last name, kids. It’s not like “vile,” it’s like “vial,” like a vial of blood. Whatever. At least Lauren knows how to pronounce it. Lauren’s last name is “Hussey,” which is also not that bad. “Together, you and I are a disgusting slut!” says Lauren. Lauren does not receive a rose.

29. Liz

ABC

Liz “We actually met at Jade and Tanner’s Wedding” the doula is not here for The Right Reasons. She has already done what all these women are purportedly trying to do - bang Nick - but she wants to show up in a sequined gown and compete for his attention nine months after the fact? That is not how wedding-banging works. He asked for her number and she said no (which is fair! #herbody #herchoice), but it’s so weird that she came on the show. It’s so weird. Liz “We actually met at Jade and Tanner’s Wedding” says that she doesn’t think Nick will remember her, giving him a lot of credit. He very obviously recognizes her right away, as evidenced by the fact that he doesn’t ask for her name. You can tell he has no idea whether he’s supposed to be pretending that he’s never met Liz “We actually met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding” or not. The whole thing is so horrible to watch. Pretty dress!

27. Taylor

ABC

Taylor, a Johns Hopkins graduate who seems to have lost her way, steps out of the limo and pauses for an Earnest Relatable Giggle™ and smiles at the ground. It’s like that One Direction song where the girl smiles at the ground and the guy condescends to her. Taylor looks beautiful but leads by telling Nick, a man she hopes to touch mouths with, that all her friends think he is a piece of shit. I think it’s meant to be a joke but she does NOT stick the landing. I’m excited to have a mental health counselor on this show because hopefully we will finally get some in-depth psychological analyses on these long-eyelashed maniacs.

26. Christen

ABC

Christen emerges from the limo wearing this Big Bird-looking tube dress thing and does a dance with a fan…? I’m not sure if there’s supposed to be a deeper meaning to it. She literally waves a fan in front of her face and then goes “HAHAHA HOW CRAZY DO YOU THINK I AM RIGHT NOW?!” Like, not at ALL, Christen. Take a seat.

25. Hailey

ABC

Hailey, 23, tells Nick, 36, that she’s not wearing any underwear. Hailey! Are you okay? Where’s your mom? Do you need a snack? Or a hug? I’m so worried about her.

24. Jasmine G.

ABC

Jasmine G.: cute earrings! And from San Francisco! I’m getting so excited about Jasmine G. when all of a sudden she brings out Neil Lane. This is an insane thing to do. Does Neil Lane just hibernate in the maid’s quarters of the Bachelor mansion and only come outside when they need him for stunts like this? #SaveNeilLane #ImWithNeil

23. Josephine

ABC

Uhh I know that Josephine is supposed to be The Goofy One, but she looks really pretty? I’m momentarily impressed by Josephine, but then she opens up a hollow book (?) and there’s a hot dog in it (???) and she says “You’re still a wiener in my book” (?!?!?!??!) and then she makes Nick eat some of it (!!!!!!) even though it’s not cooked (!@#&@!). “That is super not delicious,” says Nick.

22. Brittany

ABC

Brittany puts on gloves, then asks Nick to turn around and bend over. The camera then cuts away to a girl complaining about the zillion red dresses. What happened after he bent over??

21. Olivia

ABC

Olivia is from Alaska and gives Nick an “Eskimo kiss.” (Are we still saying “Eskimo?” I was once told that that's kind of an offensive/outdated term, but this is Trump's America, I guess). Olivia also hands Nick her fur coat but we don’t get to hear what she says about it. This is a mystery that will plague me for the rest of the season, especially because Olivia gets sent home at the end of the episode. Why did she give him a coat?! Was he cold? Is that how people flirt in Alaska?

20. Astrid

ABC

Astrid! Cool name, cool dress. Less cool: she asks Nick, in German, “Have you seen the breasts?” Is that some kind of German idiom? Or is she so bad at German that she doesn’t know the word for “my?” Is it all supposed to be a reference to the fact that she’s a “Plastic Surgery Office Manager?” (That’s actually what I went to college for.) Someone who speaks German should get back to me on this. “Danke.”

18. Briana

ABC

Congratulations, Briana! You’re like the fourteenth person on this show to introduce themselves by listening to the Bachelor’s heart with a stethoscope. Am I insane or does someone do this like every season? She makes a joke about Nick taking his shirt off? I don’t know, Briana. I would also like to point out that in her initial interview, Briana says that she would like to be a dolphin so she can breathe underwater. Briana, have I got news for you about something called mammals.

17. Alexis

ABC

ALEXIS. ALEXIS, THE ASPIRING DOLPHIN TRAINER. She tells Nick that she “dolphinately can’t want to talk to [him] inside,” except she’s very obviously dressed as a shark. And not just any shark - that is obviously a Left Shark costume. I do respect her for committing to heels, even when dressed in a polyester shark shell. Alexis gets a rose, somehow. Maybe because she can breathe underwater.

16. Jaimi

ABC

I give Jaimi a lot of credit for wearing what is maybe the only short dress of the night (?) but I’m confused by her entrance. She says that she “has balls,” and then proceeds to… put in a nose ring? What does this mean? Then when she goes inside, she shrieks “Surprise! I’ve got balls!” and the other girls are all weirded out by her. Have none of them met someone with a nose piercing before? Is there some hidden message I’m missing? Does getting a nose piercing give you literal testicles, like is that one of the side effects? I’ve never had my nose pierced, so I guess I wouldn’t know. Puzzling.

14. Michelle

ABC

Michelle is a food truck owner, which is amazing. She says “I heard your past relationships have been lemons, so let’s see if we can make lemonade,” which is less amazing. I do like the number of WOC on this season! It’s encouraging! I think they literally asked Nick “Would you at least, like, be OPEN to dating a black girl?” and Nick was like “Sure!” whereas Ben Higgins, human popcorn ball, was probably like “I’ve never met one before??”

13. Whitney

ABC

I put Whitney in the final four of my Bachelor bracket because she’s a Petite Independent Brunette (PIB), which we all know is Nick’s preferred flavor of woman. However, Whitney pretty much exits the limo and is never shown again, which doesn’t exactly spell out success. Anyway, Whitney has this cool hairdo and an off-the-shoulder dress which make her look like if Belle from Beauty and the Beast went to prom in the late 90’s. I dig it.

12. Elizabeth

ABC

Ok, so… Elizabeth is very cute, but she is wearing a wedding dress, no? Listen. If you’re going to commit to doing white, you have to be very careful with the length and the style to make sure you don’t look like a runaway bride. THIS IS PROM 101. Elizabeth’s dress looks like it’s been plucked straight out of a Pinterest board entitled “One Fine Day… <3” UPDATE: I found Elizabeth’s Instagram and this is literally a wedding dress. She bought it at a bridal salon. In a way, this actually makes me respect her more.

11. Kristina

ABC

Kristina is from Kentucky but also has a Russian accent, which I love because it reminds me of the little girl from The OA. I hope she tells everyone in the house about her near-death experiences and teaches them all interpretive aerobics to save them from being eliminated. (You should watch The OA.)

10. Dominique

ABC

Dominique says “Fourth time’s the charm, right?” which, hello, people! Stop that. Stop pretending that Bachelor in Paradise was a real thing. Nobody, not even Nick, goes on that show to find love. Because it is not about love. It’s literally just about handjobs and chic one-piece swimsuits and gossiping in bunk beds. It’s like a Jewish summer camp with alcohol.

9. Lacey

ABC

Lacey arrives on a camel and says “I hear you like a good hump.” Just sit and marinate in that for a little while. What does… what? I don’t know, guys. Props to her for being able to hunt down a camel, I guess.

8. Sarah

ABC

Sarah is cute and wears a cute dress and does a cute bit about “running up” to Nick (perennial “runner-up”), but you know what’s not cute? Sarah describes herself as “socially Democratic, but financially Republican.” GIRL. That’s not a thing. I genuinely believe that this is one of the dumbest things someone can say. “I don’t like the socioeconomic inequality in our country but I DO support the actual cause of this inequality.” “I care more about not paying taxes than other people’s rights but I DO have a gay friend.” “It sucks that you’re worse off but I like being better off.” Bite me. This is giving me NYU flashbacks. Anyway, Sarah: cute but ill-informed.

7. Danielle L.

ABC

When Danielle L.’s little intro video was playing, I turned to my friend and said “It seems like she’s been waiting her entire life to be on a reality TV show.” Turns out she already has! I respect the hustle, Danielle L.! Danielle L. has ~incredible~ American Girl Doll hair but I have to say that her dress kind of isn’t doing anything for her? It’s sort of a weird silhouette and the black kind of washes her out. She doesn’t really say anything notable, but she does make Nick say “wow” a lot. Nick and I have different tastes in women’s eveningwear, I guess.

6. Raven

ABC

Raven sequins her way out of the limo and yells “Piiiig suey!” Hm. Okay. Somebody from the south will have to explain this to me. Is this “calling the hogs” thing like, a sports thing? Is there like a football team called the “Heartland Hogs?” Or do southern people actually call out to livestock when something exciting happens? Is this what Charlotte’s Web was about? Anyway! Raven has an adorable accent and GREAT hair, but I can’t move past this hog thing. Why are there spirit fingers? Can hogs do spirit fingers? Is “pig suey” a saying or is he maybe the mascot? I don’t know anything about anything. PM me.

5. Rachel

ABC

Rachel is SUCH a star. She’s over the age of 30, she’s a lawyer, she went to a good school, she has a gap tooth. (Of note: I also have a gap tooth and I have a complex theory that it’s because I drank a lot of goat milk as a child because cow milk gave me ear infections. Someone with a medical or goat background please confirm or deny.) I want Rachel to win and I ALSO want her to be the Bachelorette, but mostly I want her to break the curse of black contestants never making it past Week 5. However, Rachel fails to top out this list because she earnestly says “the only play I want to make this season is for your heart,” which is… not great. If someone said that to me at a bar I would laugh in their face and then cry of fear because rejection-based assault is a real issue that women have to deal with. The rumors are true - I care about women!

4. Ida Marie

ABC

I LOVE that this girl’s name is Ida Marie. It sounds like a brand of instant mashed potatoes with a picture of someone’s grandmother on the front. Ida Marie does a trust fall, which is fun and flirty. #FallingForNick

3. Corinne

ABC

Corinne runs a MULTI MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY. Corinne has a NANNY. Corinne wants a SNACK of CUCUMBERS. We get it, ABC! Corinne is the villain! Corinne looks very pretty, however, and gives Nick a “hug token.” She wants Nick to come find her later and cash it in. Her plan is foiled when he gives her a hug right then and there. In the season preview, Corinne also says the sentence “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum,” which is the most incredible thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I want that embroidered on a throw pillow. I want it engraved on my wedding ring. I want it on my tombstone. #TeamCorinnesVagine

2. Vanessa

ABC

Vanessa is so pretty and teaches disabled children and speaks like twelve different languages. Most importantly, she is a total PIB. However, Vanessa’s dress is not great? It looks like something the Baroness from The Sound of Music would wear as a spider-inspired (inspidered?) Halloween costume. Vanessa introduces herself in French and Nick is like “Bonjour! You’re hot!” Vanessa also looks a lot like Andi Dorfman when she smiles, which I guess could either help or hurt her depending on how deep Nick’s ~emotional scars~ are.

1. Danielle M.

ABC

I truly don’t know a lot about hair, but Danielle M. has GREAT hair. She might also have the best red dress. Danielle M. is also a neonatal nurse, which is hard to say five times fast but is a super cool and legitimate profession. She gives Nick the gift of maple syrup, which would honestly win me over. “I make a mean French toast,” says Nick, who apparently has not learned that French toast is literally three ingredients and insanely unimpressive to make. This introduction gets a little weird when Danielle M. makes Nick lick her finger, but what can you do. Her hair is so nice! I'm blinded by her hair and my love for maple syrup and so Danielle M. wins this list. This is not an accomplishment.

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