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Power-Ranking The Bachelorette Boys, Week 7

"I apologize, MayMaw, but I did it in the pursuit of love."

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This week on The Bachelorette, Jojo goes on like four different horseback riding dates. Jordan gets Jojo drunk on wine made of seedless grapes and lies. James Taylor and Robby have a brief argument but their moms are able to separate them before there's any biting. Alex performs a one-man interpretation of Equus. Jojo lights a candle beneath the football-head shrine of Ben Higgins that she keeps in her makeup travel case and sighs.

I'm just gonna to go ahead and say it: this season is not great. The guys are boring and mean and Jojo only likes two of them. Absolutely nobody has a real job. Alex made it to the final six. It's absolutely anarchy up in here. However: I still have my signature optimism (HAHAHAHA) and am choosing to believe that things could still get better! Maybe Chris Harrison will murder Chase! Maybe Jojo will bring Ali back (RIP)! Maybe they'll reveal that this has all been a dream and Ben is actually married to Kaitlyn and Jojo never even existed in the first place! You never know! Anyway. Let's jump right in.

8. Alex (Last Week: 8)


Alex spends the first few minutes of the episode complaining and complaining and complaining about being neglected until somebody shuts him up by practically slapping him with a date card. His date is - drumroll please - riding in a car with Jojo while everyone else rides in a bus! Romantic! Thrilling! The stuff I've dreamed of my whole life! Jojo and Alex eat a lot of chips and don't kiss, which honestly sounds like a dream date to me. They pull up to a ranch (?) and everyone is like "Gaucha! You're dressing up as gauchos today!" This is perhaps ignorant of me but I thought gauchos were just those weird 2006-era pants. I didn't know it was a lifestyle. SPEAKING OF GAUCHOS AS A LIFESTYLE: my best friend wore a pair of cropped gauchos (the pants) OVER BELLBOTTOM JEANS (picture that) on the first day of eighth grade. She is now a graduate of Northwestern University with a full-time job in Silicon Valley ("the silly valley" as we say) so maybe there is something to this gaucho thing. Anyway. Alex dons a kicky beret and Jojo dresses up as Mr. Darcy and they go for a horseback ride into the sunset. A lot of other stuff happens and a man maybe has sex with a horse at one point but the most important takeaway is that Alex is finally, finally sent home. It feels like a very small weight has been lifted off my shoulders. UGH. SORRY. SHORT GUY JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY. I should carve that over and over into my skin like Harry Potter had to do in The Order of the Phoenix. I must not tell lies. Short guy jokes are not funny. I must not tell lies. Short guy jokes are not funny. Do those two things cancel each other out? Hahaha I'M A CYBERBULLY

7. Chase (Last Week: 3)


I absolutely cannot believe how boring Chase is. It is astounding to me. I have seen more seasons of this show than I've aced tests in college, yet I have never encountered a contestant this boring. When he speaks it is barely words. When the rest of the boys are rapping (more on that later) he beatboxes in the background because he can't be bothered to come up with more coherent sounds than are absolutely necessary. Who is he? Where is he even from? Does he even like his family? Does he have an accent? Does he have a single hobby? Has he ever seen Friends, and if so, does he think he's more of a Ross or a Chandler (he's a Gunther)? HOW DID HE MAKE IT THROUGH YET ANOTHER WEEK? I can't wait for his hometown date. I hope all his relatives are just rocks that can talk like in Frozen.

6. Robby (Last Week: 7)


This week Robby moved from Dude I Don't Really Care About to Dude I Pretty Actively Dislike. Robby talks about how he's the frontrunner (like haha dude have u met Jordan) and makes fun of the other guys for not being ~confident~ enough. He then gets hilariously drunk on Prosecco (his words were so slurred!!!) and talks to Jojo about his four year (!!!) relationship and how it "was all bad" and "was never right" and "my dad didn't like her" and it's honestly just sad. Spend 30 seconds on Robby's Instagram and you can tell he was very much in love with his ex. Breaking up with someone is fine, but trashing your long-term relationship on national TV is scummy and super rude! I'd say that I wish his ex all the best but she's already hooking up with Chad, so, I guess that wish has gone the way of the clog.

5. Jojo (Last Week: 5)


Jojo ALMOST makes it an entire episode without referencing Ben's season but ultimately caves during the rose ceremony. Yikes, girl. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that if Ben had been a contestant on Jojo's season he would have been eliminated Week 2, but, whatever. I WANT JOJO TO HAVE BETTER TASTE IN MEN. I WANT THAT FOR HER BUT MOSTLY I WANT IT FOR ME BECAUSE THIS SEASON HAS BEEN DULL AF. Whatever happened to the Alis? The Wellses (sp)? The Dereks? Even Terrible Grant was more interesting than, oh, I don't know - CHASE? It is no coincidence that everyone in Jojo's final four looks exactly the same! Having a type is one thing (for example, my little sister is only attracted to boys who look like Rolf from The Sound of Music) but homegirl is taking it to a whole new level. Like, it makes me wonder if Jojo's childhood bedroom walls were just plastered with a collage of Bearded Brunette Babes that she cut out from Seventeen magazine or whatever. Does she know that other flavors of boy are okay to marry? I am worried about her.

4. Luke (Last Week: 6)


We see a glimmer of a personality from Luke this episode and it truly breathed life into me like a 15-year-old girl trying to pass her CPR certification so she can charge more as a babysitter. Luke and Jojo ride horses (two of these dates in one episode! The Bachelorette has the same budget as The Bachelor, you say?) and then shoot those clay pigeon things with rifles. Any other week I'd do a whole bit about gun culture but this week I just can't. Anyway, Luke and Jojo make out a lot and talk Texan to each other. Luke gets a rose, which means we'll get like four times the drawl next week on his hometown date.

3. James Taylor (Last Week: 2)


I never thought I would be lamenting the elimination of Not James Taylor, yet here I am. The last contestant with a single chocolate sprinkle of personality has been cut. On the group date, Jojo rolls into the hotel and is all "It's raining, so let's have a slumber party instead of the boring outdoorsy group date (read: horseback riding) the producers originally planned!" James Taylor is like "I got this! I'm goofy and indoorsy and I can fit 27 french fries into my mouth!" James Taylor Swift really shined (shone? Shane?) in this episode for me. I would love to have a non-sexual slumber party with James Taylor! He didn't even pull out his guitar! Jojo tells him that he has everything she could ever want in a husband and a father for her children, and for the first time all season I was like "Yes! Girl is finally making a good call! She sees that James Taylor isn't just the washed-up brother of a professional athlete with no real job or accolades of his own! He has a personality and he loves french fries!" Alas, she sends him home at the rose ceremony and is all "I really respect you!" Not killer. I hope James Taylor goes on Bachelor in Paradise and dates Ashley I. or someone else way too sensitive. That sounds like it would be a lot of fun in a very tear-filled way.

2. The Indirect Influence of Lin-Manuel Miranda (Last Week: Not Ranked)


THIS RAP THESE BOYS DO? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Chase lays down a sikk beat while the rest of the boys take turns saying lines of a very asinine rap about Alex's date. It's incredible! How long did they practice for? Which poor production assistant had to come up with the rap itself? Was Chase actually beatboxing or was he just weirdly silent and they added in the beat later? Why isn't there a rap element to every episode? Those 40 seconds were the first time this show has filled me with earnest glee ALL SEASON. More rapping man-children!!

1. Jordan (Last Week: 4)


Jordan "I Think I Went To High School With That Guy" Rodgers is still here and he is here to stay, folks. Jordan is, by miles and miles, the only dude that Jojo seems to have any feelings for. Maaybe Luke. Jojo takes Jordan to a vineyard ("It's where they grow grapes, to make wine!" - Hallie Parker) and they stomp grapes roughly to the rhythm of "Together We Can" by The Cheetah Girls. Jojo jumps into Jordan's grape bucket with him, which feels unsanitary but maybe in a sexy way. Jojo slides her grape-y feet up and down Jordan's calves in some sort of sexual grape juice merengue. Then they DRINK THE MUSHED UP GRAPE JUICE, chunks and all. THIS IS NOT WHAT WINE IS, GUYS. Jordan is like "Haha, this is kind of weird because my feet were in this beverage" and Jojo says "This tastes amazing. I would eat anything touched by any part of your body. Are you friends with Olivia Munn?" Celebrity couple Jojordan then hops in a hot tub to make out while the rest of the guys gossip about them while overlooking an infinity pool. I don't know. At dinner, they drink actual wine and Jojo is like "Okay, so who am I meeting next week when you obviously get a hometown date? Darla, Ed…" Ugh. I remember when I had crushes on boys in like, the ninth grade and I really prided myself on being able to remember their parents' names. This feels like that. Jordan goes "Yeah, those are my parents, good job - and there's also my brother Luke, what a goofball! PS my middle brother won't be there." "And that's Aaron?" asks Jojo, obviously crushed. Jordan rambles on about how close he is with Luke, the Other Brother, and Jojo is like "I literally couldn't give a shit about anyone in your family, Jordan, why aren't you friends with the famous one? Does this mean Olivia Munn isn't coming either?" If you're anything like me (I hope you're not) and have spent hours when you should be studying getting deep into the Wizarding World of Instagram, then you already know that Aaron/Olivia (Oliviaaron?) are best friends with the girl that Jordan famously(ish) cheated on, so, no, Jojordan will not be going on double dates with them. This whole scene is absolutely fascinating to watch - if you're not a regular viewer of this fine television program (shame on u) consider looking it up. Jojo seems so, so genuinely disappointed. Sensing this, Jordan is like "but I'm falling in love with you!" and she perks right back up like a limp child who's been given a dose of PediaLyte. Congrats, Jordan. Jojo is already making big plans to reunite your family and get the season tickets she feels she deserves. Stay tuned.

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