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Power-Ranking The Bachelorette Boys, Week 5

"I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while, you know... shaving my face."

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This week on The Bachelorette, Chad returns from the grave like a Brontë character and nearly spooks Daniel into dropping his mac and cheese. Jojo attempts to audition for Law and Order: SVU by faux-interrogating Jordan and does not book it. Wells dies of sunburn in South America. Evan hires Andi the lawyer (remember her?) to sue Chad for a new shirt.

Will Vinny the barber start cutting off people's heads and making them into Hot Pockets like a modern-day Sweeney Todd? Does Evan qualify for welfare since the only shirt in his possession has been ripped? What is the deal with this other Chad? Is he a Kennedy, maybe? Throw some cucumber slices over your eyes and let's get started.

ABC

16. Alex (Last Week: 16)

ABC

Geez, how the mighty have fallen. I liked Alex so much the first episode, and now I might hate him more than I hated Kelsey Poe. As always, there are a lot of jokes to be made about his "Napoleon complex" or whatever, but that feels petty and honestly it's not even worth making fun of Alex for his height because there is so much more to make fun of him for. Alex literally gets a rose for not being Chad and his chest puffs up to eight times its normal size like the Grinch's heart when he brings the toys to the munchkins (I'm paraphrasing). Alex kisses Jojo for, I think, the first time this whole season, and you can tell she'd rather be fed to Chad like a grape. Once Chad is gone, Alex tries to turn Derek into a villain, which is an INSANE thing to do! Granted, we haven't seen ~that~ much of Derek this season, but he's obviously not an egregiously bad dude. Alex calls Derek insecure, which: Alex has a lot of nerve. Alex is awful and I'm ready for this pint-sized little assmop to be gone. <--- I guess I am not above making height jokes. Sorry.

15. Evan (Last Week: 18)

ABC

"Do you have your wallet on you? asks Evan, blood dripping steadily out of his nose. "You owe me a shirt." JESUS. EVAN. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR OLD NAVY V-NECK. Three people on this earth have Evan as their father. That is insane and unfair. Luckily, now that Chad is gone, Jojo is finally allowed to eliminate Evan, which she does posthaste. Thank You God Always.

14. James F. (Last Week: 13)

ABC

Every time I tell someone that I'm a writer, the immediate response is "Oh, so you do, like, poetry?" Every single time. I have no idea why. It's such an odd and specific stereotype. I am terrible at writing poems. Like, out-of-this world, is-this-girl-even-literate terrible. Which brings us to: James F. writes Jojo a poem. And even I can recognize that it is a very bad poem, which says a lot. It is maybe about her vagina? There's a lot of talk about keys and handing them to men. It doesn't quite rhyme, but it definitely doesn't not rhyme. James F. is sent home.

13. Grant (Last Week: 11)

ABC

Oh ho ho. It's Week 5, which means of course Grant has to go home. I know Grant is hot, but I stand firm that he's a borderline-sociopathic ham and cheater sandwich. If you do a lil' online sleuthing, you'll discover that he has a history of getting into serious relationships, then cheating and ghosting. However: this is a V SERIOUS WARNING that Googling anyone from the show means you'll dig up spoilers for the season. There's no way around it, so if you prefer to remain ~unspoilt~, wait until the final rose hath been dealt. Or you can take me on an ice cream date and I will tell you everything I know. This offer is open to anyone. Is this the new Tinder? I have a boyfriend, but.

12. Vinny (Last Week: 10)

ABC

Vinny wears a lot of unironic hats and shiny ties that make him look like he's at junior prom, but I loved him so much in this episode. He opens up a bathroom barber shop and cuts all the guys' hair (Is this why they let him stay on the show? They wanted to save money on haircuts?) which serves as the catalyst for the discovery of the article about Jojo and Other Chad. Vinny gets eliminated, of course. I hope this means that the boys will all grow scraggly beards and man buns with no one there to trim them.

11. Chase (Last Week: 5)

ABC

Was Chase in this episode? Okay. Looking through my notes (THAT'S RIGHT) I see that he brought those weird inflatable hamster balls for him and Jojo to roll around in. Really sexy. My sister once put our hamster in one of those and left her outside in the August sun and forgot and our hamster literally fried to death. This is a very funny memory for me but I think that my sister actually had to go to therapy about this. RIP Paprika.

10. Derek (Last Week: 8)

ABC

I'm pretty sure there was some kind of controversy around Derek, but I wasn't really paying attention to that part of the episode because I was eating some very good sushi takeout. And despite being at the center of some nonsense drama this week, I still couldn't tell you what his voice sounds like. Livin' Life with Derek!

9. James Taylor (Last Week: 3)

ABC

All other competing Jameses have been eliminated and yet we are still calling this chump James Taylor. I am worried about his eye. Is it getting infected?

8. Wells (Last Week: 7)

ABC

Wells doesn't do a lot in this episode except officiate the Chad Protein Powder Memorial and Wake and wear a really excellent navy-and-black suit. It's becoming p clear that Wells may not win, so let's hope he goes on Paradise and dates someone I really really like, like that random girl Jen from Ben's season who never got any airtime but had fantastic eyebrows.

7. Jojo (Last Week: 2)

ABC

Jojo gets points knocked off this week for whatever that whole nonsense with Jordan was. Other than that, she's a very well-behaved Bachelorette this week and her hair looks great. Here is a picture of her before she got implants that's been floating around the web, just for kicks. Not that I think it matters! Her boobs look incredible! I'd go see her plastic surgeon myself but I'm still trying to convince myself that I have a chance at being one of those girls who says things like "Do I need to wear a bra with this shirt?" What a life that must be.

6. Luke (Last Week: 17)

ABC

Does Luke smile? Dude needs to get catcalled, stat. Some rando catcaller once told me to smile when I was really really tired and I barked at him.

5. Chad (Last Week: 4)

ABC

Eyeroll to the moon. Chad is back. Okay. Let's dive in. First of all: obviously his return to the little cabin in the woods is producer-driven. Have you ever seen an eliminated contestant reappear after their elimination? Nope. Don't you think any of them would do that if given the chance? Yaaaaaaaa. Anyway, Chad stumbles through the woods, whistling an eerie tune like one of the damn Blair Witch kids. He then runs the pads of his fingers up and down the door, which is actually how I let my sister know when I'm outside her apartment. The whole visit is very strange but nothing that happens is that interesting. The boys "fight" with Chad and get a chance to feel real good about themselves when they finally force him out of the house, like they're the seven dwarves fighting off the… what? Is there a villainous animal in Snow White? Who's the villain in that? A witch? Is it Ursula? I mean, it's not, but, is it? At any rate, Chad is gone. "Sayonara, Chad," says Evan. Shut up, Evan.

4. Daniel (Last Week: 1)

ABC

"What are the chances of a girl like Jojo falling for me?" laments Daniel. About 1 in 25, Daniel - that's the entire premise of the show - but, whatever. I can't begin to express my sadness that Daniel has been put out to pasture. I loved him so earnestly. The highlight of the episode for me was him calmly eating mac and cheese while everyone was yelling at Chad. I hope Daniel goes on Bachelor in Paradise or starts his own cooking channel on YouTube or something. Pour out some maple syrup for our favorite professional Canadian.

3. Robby (Last Week: 12)

ABC

Robby has a one-on-one with Jojo, where they dance around this giant hand sculpture and then jump off a very minimal cliff. Robby has these swim shorts that look like a Push Pop and he tells Jojo that he's in love with her. I dunno, Robby. I dunno. I will say it's been a rough week for Robby so I'll let that insane confession slide.

2. Other Chad (Last Week: Not Ranked)

ABC

I gotta hand it to this Chad. He's now made it onto two Bachelor shows without having to ever actually show up. That's impressive. Other Chad says that he and Jojo were hooking up after she got eliminated on Ben's season and that she re-dumped him to be the Bachelorette. Jojo denies this, but does say that they were hanging out as friends. I literally don't understand why this is a plot point. Rebounding with your ex and then becoming the lead of your own TV show sounds like a great deal. I have no trouble at all believing that something like Other Chad's story actually happened, I just don't get why anyone thinks it's noteworthy (other than the obvious bad-ness of Other Chad selling the story to the press). Homegirl can do whatever she wants with her body! Anyway. I can't wait for someone on Bachelor in Paradise to start getting mysterious threatening notes from Other Chad.

1. Jordan (Last Week: 6)

ABC

JORDAN. Where to even BEGIN? Well, let's begin with the date card, which says "Let's Seal the Date." I honestly thought they were going to go seal clubbing. They didn't. On their date, Jojo says that she met one of Jordan's exes (?!?) in Dallas (?!?!?!?!) and that the ex told her that Jordan "wasn't a great boyfriend" (?!?!?!?!?!!??@!?@?#???!?@?@?!?!?!??!) Ooookay. Let's just take this apart Lego by Lego. First of all: how would Jojo have… asdjflkalsdkfalsk I don't even know how to phrase the question because it's such an absurd idea. Okay. First of all: Jojo didn't even know she was going to be the Bachelorette until a few days before it was announced. It was going to be Caila, then they switcherood last-minute. What they're purporting here is that Jojo was walking down the street or the rodeo or whatever they walk on in Texas, and some rando just comes up to her and is like "Hey, Jojo. You don't know this yet, but you're going to be the Bachelorette. One of your contestants is going to be this dude Jordan, who I used to date. He's a bad boyfriend!" The whole idea is just bananas. My best Nancy Drew guess is that the producers knew Jordan had a history of cheating/being a general dbag, but they wanted to have it "dealt with" on the show in case he won or became the Bachelor. I know this is a somewhat controversial stance, but my official position on the matter is that I Do Not Like Jordan. If you want to know the shenanigans he's been up to, it's all on the internet (and it's BAD), but once again I will warn that if you Google ANY of these contestants, you're going to see spoilers. Jordan gets a rose, obvi. The fact that Jojo's been told that Jordan is a Bad Dude™ and still makes out with him at every possible opportunity means that, at least for now, he's holding all the cards. Is that an expression? Because sometimes holding all the cards is a bad thing, like when you're playing BS in the green room before going onstage in your all-girls middle school production of The Music Man. For example.

ABC

See you next Monday!

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