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Power-Ranking The Bachelorette Boys, Week 10

"Can I walk you out?"

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This week on The Bachelorette, Jojo finally has to decide between two identical bobbleheads in order to win a Neil Lane ring. Jordan attempts to trick Jojo's family into thinking he's Aaron Rodgers by blinding them with stupid hats. Jojo's mom quietly asks if there's a full-time babysitter available on set for her daughter. Robby pulls off his skin suit to reveal he's been Ashley Iaconetti all along.

Will Jojo end up engaged or will absolutely everyone get sick of her and leave her to swim back from Thailand alone? How many goats will Robby pay Jojo's father in order to take ownership of her body? How many times can Chris Harrison say "Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers" before his tongue falls off? Is anyone else getting worried about Ben Higgins?

Hang on to your final roses; it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

7. Jojo (Last Week: 6)


I remember saying before this season started that Jojo was born to be the Bachelorette. She's gorgeous, she's rich, she's charismatic, she's almost certainly a Republican, her brother starred on a reality dating show, and she's family friends with Jake Pavelka. Like, come on! It's like a fairy godmother named Chris Harrison came to her christening when she was a little baby Jojo and prophesied that she would one day grow into a beautiful flower and be courted by twenty-five suitors on national television whilst wearing a variety of rompers. But this girl is a mess, and I'm saying that as someone who once (proudly) vomited on the Williamsburg Bridge in the dead of night. Jojo is not ready for marriage even a little bit. Not in a house, not with a mouse. She's young and insecure and, more importantly, is young and insecure enough to blindly ignore the warnings of her family and loved ones. "I don't know how to do this," sniffed Jojo as she unceremoniously dumped Chase last week after leading him to believe he would finally get to touch her fake boobs in the Fantasy Suite™. Jojo is correct. She does not know how to do "this" in terms of being the Bachelorette, sure - and I'm sure it's hard! - but she also really doesn't know how to do "this" in terms of selecting a healthy partner. Jojo says over and over again that her love language is Words of Affirmation, which, okay. Let's just dive right into this because no one is limiting my word count here! First off, if you haven't ever heard of the five love languages, hop your butt on Google because there's a super fun online quiz you can take. I first took this quiz when I was like fourteen and read somewhere that Kevin Jonas is a gift-giving guy (that's one of the love languages!) Like Jojo, I consider myself a Words of Affirmation gal - I do best in relationships where people are able to clearly and consistently articulate their feelings to me (this is maybe because I'm a #writer and value the power of language but it's also maybe because I'm too poor to give gifts? Not sure.) Words speak louder than actions, is the gist of what this means. (Sidebar: does anyone else remember that Samantha the American Girl Doll play called "Actions Speak Louder Than Words: A Play About Samantha?" I played Nellie the Irish orphan in a backyard production c. 1999. Anyway.) Point being, I get where Jojo is coming from, except, hello! Jojo! Being Words of Affirmation does not mean that you have to fall in love with literally anyone who tells you they love you. It also doesn't mean that you should immediately disregard anyone who doesn't tell you they love you within a matter of weeks (RIP LUKE). Part of the fine print of the whole love languages ISH is that you have to learn to recognize your partner's love language and adjust your behavior accordingly. That's literally how relationships work. Getting engaged to someone because they say nice things to you is not how relationships work. How long have I been talking about this? Moving on! Jojo's family meets both Jordan and Robby and they all effusively endorse Robby. Jojo stamps her foot and says "This is so hard!" and walks barefoot on a beach for a little while. She pretends to weigh her options and, unsurprisingly, decides to send Robby packing. As she Walks Him Out™, she again whimpers "I don't know what I'm doing." No, sweet Jojo Puff, you absolutely do not. Once Robby has gone off to blow his nose on a patterned sock somewhere, Jojo takes a shot of something and legitimately goes "Whoo! Okay. I'm ready to be engaged." The whole thing honestly just makes me sad. Jojo doesn't really care who she's engaged to, she just wants to be engaged to someone. I think she's been burned badly before (and she says more than once that she's never broken up with someone, which, yikes) and just wants to be done with dating. Which on some level I get, but holy hell, girl. Jordan Rodgers? Really? If you've perused an Us Weekly at any airport recently, you know that the rumors are bad - Jordan's a cheater, he's a playboy, he dumped a girl to go on the show, he maybe was responsible for that Malaysian Airlines flight that disappeared. It's bad, basically. Jordan and Jojo get engaged and they're in Thailand and it's magic hour and the whole scene looks beautiful but fails to make my heart flutter in the way a really good Youtube proposal video should. The best thing about this show is that sometimes (statistically, like five-out-of thirty-two-seasons sometimes) you can really believe that lasting love juuust might be possible. This is not one of those seasons. I sincerely hope that, when Jojordan inevitably end their engagement in 4-6 months, Jojo takes a few years to be single - and maybe go to law school or open a children's school like Jo in Little Women? I'm just spitballing here - and eventually finds the nice brunette man that she deserves. back2thebeginningagain, Jojo.

6. Soraya Fletcher (Last Week: Not Ranked)


I LOVE THIS WOMAN! She reads Jojo like an issue of People and is just like "Daughter of mine, why are you so stupid? Jordan sucks." She talks about Jojo putting blinds over her eyes and tuning out anything negative her mom has to say about Terrible Jordan, which is absolutely what is happening. Listen to your mom, Jojo! Also, I don't know where else to put this, but it really needs to be noted that Jojo's dad's name is literally Joe. Lots of originality in this family.

5. Robby (Last Week: 4)


Grab some Luna bars and head down to your storm cellars because the apocalypse has finally arrived. Somehow, by some strange blue-suited witchcraft, I actually found myself rooting for Robby this episode. The hell?! I mean, it's obvious that both Robby and Jordan are just pretending to like Jojo, but at least Robby is committed to the bit. He tells Jojo (or "Joelle" or "Jo," since he refuses to call her by her preferred nickname) that he's ready to marry her, that he loves her, that he will "keep her safe" and "protect her" (barf) as long as they both shall live (or until their TV wedding deal falls through and they have a mutual and amicable split™). And like, he sounds like a robot while saying it, but it should work because all Jojo cares about is hearing the words, right? Wrong!! Robby wows the Fletcher fam and gets a ringing endorsement from Jojo's mom, dad, evil brothers, and silent sister. Jojo, being Jojo, ignores this and breaks Robby's circuit board - I mean heart. Ha, ha. After writing Jojo a bizarre letter, half of which is written in the second person for no reason, Robby rolls up to the designated proposal altar (why is there always an altar? Every time I watch one of these finales I half-expect some ombre-haired girl to get violently sacrificed) wearing a blue-ass suit and tells Jojo for the bazillionth time that he loves her and is super stoked to get engaged. Jojo cuts him off and goes "I can't let you propose! I don't even want to see the costumey diamond ring in case I like it more than the one Jordan picked out!" Robby literally goes "I see." I laughed so hard I choked on a little bit of my Pad Thai. Jojo tells Robby that she "really wanted it to be him." Girl. Robby climbs back into the limo of shame and does a really half-assed job of pretending to cry. ALSO - did we all see this boy's TEETH on After the Final Rose? He looked like Ross Geller in that one episode of Friends where he blinds people with his teeth. Anyway, I hope Robby's attempted self-marketing pays off for him in some way. If nothing else, at least his stint on this show will help his family sell their home (seriously, so friggin' weird).

4. The Christmas Ghost of Ben Higgins Past (Last Week: Not Ranked)


HOW many times does Ben's name have to get dragged up every episode? Let him go! I swear this dude got more publicity this season than he did from being the actual Bachelor. Ben and the girl he actually proposed to (Jojo sometimes seems confused about this particular point) are getting their own show called Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After? which is the funniest thing this franchise has ever come up with. Props to Ben for somehow managaing to stay relevant by doing l i t e r a l l y nothing at all.

3. The Patriarchy (Last Week: Not Ranked)


Holy hell, WHAT is this obsession with getting Jojo's father's permission to marry her? Listen! I am firmly of the belief that a healthy marriage should be a blending of two families. I completely understand the desire to have the approval of the family you want to marry into. Do I want my future mother-in-law to say that she loves me more than her own children at Thanksgiving dinner and make it super uncomfortable? Absofuckinglutely. But why, why, why-in-the-world-is-Carmen-Sandiego do we still have to perpetuate this idea that the father has to give his permission in order for his daughter to get engaged? A lot of people I've talked to about this are like "Awww, it's cute! It's traditional! It's old-fashioned!" Like, yes, thanks for playing, that's my point. It's old-fashioned like women being traded for cows, not old-fashioned like a soda shop. I will say that Robby takes the right approach for asking both parents, together, for their blessing - not their permission. That's A-okay, live like it's the 1990s, whatever. What I am not okay with is Jojo's panicked "He didn't get my dad's permission? Oh gosh, am I even allowed to go through with this?" LADY, YOU ARE TWENTY-FIVE ENTIRE YEARS OLD. If you feel that you need your dad's permission to get married, you are not ready to get married. Stop being dumb. This is why we need a female president. Fight me.

2. Jordan (Last Week: 5)


Oh, Jordan. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. How can someone who talks so much say so little? Jordan, on his future fiancée: "When I was growing up - where was she? Y'know, I didn't, I didn't know. Um… I found her." Jordan says that Jojo saying "no" to a proposal would be the biggest letdown of his entire life, which is an awfully rich thing for the younger brother of a famous athlete to say. But let's rewind. Jordan meets the family of his maybe-future-wife (lol as if they're actually getting married) for the very first time and they're like "Do you love Jojo? Do you seriously see yourself marrying her? Are you going to wind up breaking her heart?" and Jordan just goes "whoa, whoa, whoa, what is all this pressure? I brought HATS!" He legitimately gives everyone in her family a kooky hat. If somebody I was dating tried to pull that shit with my family, everyone would laugh at them and my little sister would cyberbully them on Instagram until they cried. Unfortunately for America, this is not a show about me, and the Fletchers seem to enjoy the distribution of unflattering hats, which Jordan says is a Rodgers family tradition. Is THAT why Aaron consciously uncoupled from the family? Maybe he was just like "I gotta get out of here, my weird-ass little brother keeps handing me strange fedoras." Maybe we've solved it. Anyway! The Brothers Jojo tell her that Jordan seems like a "good New Year's Eve date," which I guess is supposed to be an insult? Like, "He's the kind of guy you half-make out with at midnight while people you went to high school with spill Prosecco on your velvet Urban Outfitters dress." (Is this how everyone else's NYEs go or is it just me?) Anyway, I guess I can see how that's offensive to Jojo, who indeed takes GREAT offense. Jojo's mom tells her that Jordan seems like a playboy and Jojo lets out this wail like she's just dropped her pacifier. It was at this point that I knew Jordan was going to win. How could he not? Jojo clearly still thinks that he's going to make her #famous, despite not being in contact with his actually #famous brother. He looks exactly like what we've learned is Jojo's type (genetically white yet artificially tanned, light brown hair, stubble, bad attitude). He and Jojo were talking before the season started filming. He has her wrapped around his non-pro finger. Barring disaster, it was always going to be him. Jordan talks a lot about "getting down on a knee" and "walking towards Jojo," as though those are sentences that mean anything. The phrase you're looking for is "getting down on one knee," dumbass. "Getting down on a knee" is what I do when I'm tying my shoe or trying to dance. Jordan fumbles at every possible opportunity in this godforsaken episode, but he's still the one who gets to slip a (surprisingly pretty, if still a little gaudy) ring on Jojo's manicured finger. It's a testament to his charisma if nothing else. At one point during his proposal, Jordan actually says the words "It's been real." Yes it has, Jordan. It's been the realest.

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