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Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 7

"This city is pretty windy, I think."

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This week on The Bachelor, Ben and his personal cheerleading team return to his hometown of Warsaw, Indiana for some long walks on the lake and deep-fried methamphetamine. Ben takes the women to some of his favorite hangouts, like a dilapidated YMCA and his pontoon boat. Jojo asks which South American country Michigan is in. Emily wanders along the shore of Lake Winona and absentmindedly wonders why it reminds her of Olivia's mouth.

Which four blondes will get the honor of introducing Ben, human nightlight, to their family? Who will be the first to try meth in Warsaw? Will Caila go full Pretty Little Liars and cyberbully the other women until they all kill themselves and she becomes the Bachelorette by default? Hey, is it possible to order McDonald's breakfast foods at dinnertime? Take a good, long look at this GIF of the way Ben looks at Lauren and we'll get started.


9. Becca (Last Week: 9)


Becca gets eliminated FINALLY, and gets super righteous with Ben because she "asked him not to blindside her." LOL, Becca, you've been on this show one hundred times, don't pretend you don't know how it works. You don't get to politely ask to be exempt from rose ceremonies. "I don't know why I keep putting myself through this," sniffles Becca, echoing the sentiments of our nation. Becca is just the worst kind of Girl Scout cookie, isn't she? She's such a Savannah Smile. Bye, Becca. We'll see you next season, I guess.

8. Caila (Last Week: 4)


Caila "Ugh" Quinn is still here and she is frantically scrambling to make it to the final four so she can become the first "diverse" Bachelorette (Caila is no Jubilee, ABC. This is the same network that airs Blackish, you say?) Caila, who apparently doesn't have enough anecdotes about bad boyfriends and trust issues to cut it, says that she "doesn't have the support of a community like Ben does." So… Caila's big Achilles heel is that she isn't from Warsaw, Indiana, a town where there are meth lab busts every 4-6 business days? Great narrative, Caila. Caila almost gets eliminated except of course she doesn't because Ben is taking that girl to the Fantasy Suites if it's the last thing he does (before flinging himself from a fair ride yelling "UNLOVABLEEE," I assume).

7. Emily (Last Week: 3)


Oh, Emily. You sweet blond streusel. I have to say that, all things considered, Emily handled herself remarkably well this episode. It's silly that she made it this far, of course, but if you didn't mist up when Lauren held her and sobbed then YOU ARE MADE OF STONE. I think it speaks volumes to her character that the other girls (save for Caila, obvi) are so upset that she's leaving them. In the midst of her somewhat-childish word vomit sesh with the OG Mrs. Higgins, Emily says "I've always been so average at everything, but I've always known that I will be an above-average wife and an above-average mom." Coupled with season-long comments like "I'm not that smart" and "I don't know a lot about science/sports/swans" makes me think that she's always been taught that her obvious attractiveness is the only thing she has going for her. Like, I think that her mom gave birth to pretty blonde twins and immediately decided that her life's work would be to pimp them out like sexy Olsens. After being dumped by Ben, human oatmeal raisin cookie, Emily only has kind and mature things to say - which is not always the case with contestants who are far, far older. I'll miss Emily and I hope she finds true love on Bachelor in Paradise Season 3.

6. Ben (Last Week: 5)


Have you heard the news? Ben is from Warsaw, Indiana. Never mind that he actually lives in Denver now! He's from Warsaw, Indiana! The center of America! The heartbeat of the Midwest! Ben, human soap carving, pretends that being from Warsaw, Indiana is the same thing as being from Arlington, Iowa (it's not). He rattles on about his "small-town values" and his "community" and his "favorite date spot, McDonald's" and YOU LIVE IN DENVER, BEN. Anyway. The girls load into a lakefront AirBnB and Ben warns them not to look across the water, lest they see his parents boning their way to osteoporosis. It's super weird. Ben also pays a kid to cry so he can impress a blonde girl.

5. Amanda (Last Week: 7)


Amanda is a "shockingly beautiful" (Did anyone else notice the words BenAdryl used to describe each girl? Caila is "beautiful," Amanda is "shockingly beautiful," Emily "is an identical twin") single mother who hasn't had a damn date since leaving her terrible ex-husband, so Ben decides to treat her to a romantic evening at McDonald's. Don't go changing, Warsaw! Amanda is lovely but it's glaringly obvious that she'd rather be trampled by a pack of ravenous mountain goats than eat an Egg McMuffin ("FOR DINNER!") After the world's worst product placement feast, they head to a fair and Amanda is way, way more chill about roller coasters than Ben is. Amanda gets a hometown rose (which is not a terrible band name) and I'm stoked to watch Ben, human baby mobile, pretend to be okay with the idea of suddenly adopting two extremely photogenic toddlers.

4. Jojo (Last Week: 2)


Jojo doesn't know what the Windy City is. Remember when she didn't know where Indiana was? I would like to speak with every one of Jojo's K-12 teachers. Like, was she just taught that the Midwest was an urban myth? Jojo goes to this mysterious "Windy City" with Ben, human brioche bun, and makes me realize that my biggest date fear is being forced to don a jersey that says "Mrs. ----" on the back. Jesus. Ben and Jojo play two-person baseball, which, it turns out, is incredibly boring and completely changes the nature of the sport. What is the point of baseball without constant bleacher jeering like they had on Backyard Baseball? After their little League of Their Own charade is through, they have dinner (on bleachers, I think?) and Jojo "finally" opens up about her romantic past. UH, WHAT? LITERALLY DID I MAKE UP AN ENTIRE EPISODE? DID BEN AND JOJO NOT ALREADY HAVE A DATE WHERE SHE GAVE WEIRD VAGUE-Y ANSWERS ABOUT HOW HER LAST BOYFRIEND MAYBE CHEATED ON HER OR MAYBE JUST LIKED ONE OF KENDALL JENNER'S PICTURES ON INSTAGRAM? They both make SUCH a big deal about it! Benihana! She already opened up to you! She's open! I'm so distressed.

3. Ben's Mom (Last Week: Not Ranked)


Ben's mom is clearly super embarrassed that her son is on The Bachelor and I love her for it. She rolls her eyes to the moon when Ben tells her that he's falling in love with six women, all of whom are the equivalent of sexy American Girl dolls. Ben also says something weird like "Don't be shy, bring it in!" when hugging his mom and I sympathize with her a lot for having a Cinnabon of an only child.

2. Lauren (Last Week: 1)


The artist formerly known as Lauren B. gets to wrangle a bunch of sweaty children into playing basketball with two of the Indiana Pacers (? I think?) to win a kiss from Ben, human mayonnaise packet. It's actually very cute. Then they go back to "his place" (V CONFUSING SINCE HE LIVES IN DENVER) and pretend to have a conversation about what Leah said last week. Great acting, kids. Neither of them could give less of a hoot about consistent low-ranker Leah. They make out a lot and Lauren says "I'm not in love with Ben the Bachelor, I'm in love with Ben from Warsaw, Indiana." Slash Denver, Lauren. Slash Denver. #LaurBen4Ever

1. McDonald's (Last Week: Not Ranked)




See you next Monday!

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