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Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 5

"I can totally picture a life-life with you."

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This week on The Bachelor, Queen Jubilee disappears into the night in a Mexican cab. Emily doesn't make it through the episode without calling her recently-severed twin. Olivia adds "bad breath" to the list of Reasons She Is A Dragon.

Will Ben find love in Mexico City or just tacos? Will Olivia stage a reading of The Glass Menagerie inside of her mouth? Will Leah murder someone just to get airtime? How is Emily, professional twin, taking so much time off work? Let's take a look.

12. Olivia (Last Week: 10)


First of all, let's get something straight: Ben is not going to rescind Olivia's rose. Not even if she gets a C- in AP Lit. As Secret Bachelor Superfan Caila points out, roses have always been no-takebacks. Olivia gets no date, again, furthering my theory that the Bachelor Powers That Be are purposely screwing with her mouth-helmet (her head). She also wears the ugliest Carmen-Sandiego-looking dress I've ever seen to the cocktail party, where she proceeds to compare Amanda's life to Teen Mom. It's far less funny than it is hard to watch. Just give the girl some Listerine and get her out of here.

10. Becca (Last Week: 5)

Becca does so little in this episode (besides wearing a Terrible Topknot) that the only time she flashed across my screen for longer than a second was when she was practicing rolling her R's. Irrrrrrrrelevant.

9. Jubilee (Last Week: 9)


I got so many panicked texts about Jubilee's unfabulous exit that my phone almost gave up and left me for a younger woman, but honestly, I just don't think that Jubilee should have ever been on this show, and I think she'll be much better off for having left. Jubilee has actual, real-life issues, and actual, complex emotions, and being in that insane lash-extension pressure cooker was clearly wearing her down. Jubilee tells Ben that she doesn't think he likes her as much as the Lauren B's and the Beccas and the Jojos - which, first of all, is a feeling that anyone who has ever been a thirteen-year-old girl can relate to; second of all, she's not at all wrong. I'm sure the producers over at ABC are patting themselves all over the back for finally casting a person of color that is compelling and relatable and for giving her actual airtime, but the notion that Ben was ever going to marry anyone besides a leggy blonde is delusional at best. Don't even get me started on the super-racially-charged us-versus-her mentality that the other girls developed after her one-on-one. Jubilee's time on The Bachelor was all about her being an "other," and I'm glad she's done with it, no matter how much I'd like to see her on my TV (haha, just kidding - my laptop, on a weird bootleg livestream) each week. We'll miss you, Jubilee!

6. Ben (Last Week: 8)


FIRST OF ALL: Ben's wink on the runway was the first time all season that I've been attracted to him. Very chic, very Tyra. Ben, who ate a quesadilla on a dare once, talks a big game about how much he loves Mexico City because of "the food… the people." Ben also unceremoniously dumps Jubilee when she asks him if he sees a future with her (like, props to him for not lying, I guess?) He also gives Olivia the group date rose, probably out of fear that she will swallow his entire head if he doesn't. He also gets made fun of by Mexican chefs. Ben is not killing it this week.

5. Lauren H. (Last Week: 7)


Lauren H's date took up a sizable slice of this episode pizza and I still have almost nothing to say about her. Ben takes her on the shittiest date we've seen this season - this is not Top Model, Benny H - and she talks about how she was cheated on by her last boyfriend and gets a rose. Why do so many women who've been cheated on go on this show? Do they think that their boyfriend dating 24 other women is okay as long as it's on TV and people are throwing around buzzwords like "two-on-one" and "the right reasons"? Everything about it is The Silliest.

4. Jojo (Last Week: 4)


I have such a mixed fruit medley of feelings about Jojo. She dresses so well and says awesome things like "I already know my taco is delicious" but she's also catty and bratty and, once again, reminds me of every girl at my all-girls middle school (#womenlearning #womenleading). While Ben is explaining to the girls that he "had to" send Jubilee home, she interrupts him just so she can take him to the local makeout point (in this case, a nearby bench) and talk about nothing. Ben also promises that he will never blindside her, which is Steinbeck-level foreshadowing that Jojo is gonna get duuuumped. back2thebeginningagain, Jojo.

3. Lauren B. (Last Week: 2)


I'll just leave this GIF of the way Ben looks at Lauren B. here. Also, Lauren B. has a whole lot of gumption to wear an all-white ensemble after eating ceviche prepared by Emily.

2. Emily (Last Week: 1)


I LOVE Emily. She might have the emotional complexity and palate of a nine-year-old but she's so entertaining! I wish I could babysit her. She has also never taken a tequila shot before, which is confusing because A. she is 23 years old B. she is a cocktail waitress in Vegas C. she isn't, to my knowledge, a Mormon or a recovering alcoholic. Fun fact: when we were in high school, my best friend had never taken a tequila shot before and wanted to join a group of kids who were taking them at a party, but decided for WHATEVER REASON that vodka would be more enjoyable. She didn't understand the salt-tequila-lime choreography and ended up filling her mouth with vodka, holding it there like a pelican, and then attempting to lick salt off of her hand. She and Emily would get along gr8.

1. Amanda (Last Week: 11)


Britt gets the first one-on-one, and Farmer Chris wakes all the girls up before sunrise to get Britt ready for her date and publicly shame the rest of the girls for not looking like Bratz dolls while they sleep. Chris and Britt then go on a hot air balloon ride and OH, WHAT? IT'S 2016, YOU SAY? THIS ISN'T EPISODE 5 OF SEASON 19 OF THE BACHELOR? Like, come on, production. If you're going to carbon-copy a date, do it a couple seasons apart, or at least not on the very same number episode of the season. Anyway. Amanda was v impressive in this episode. She also seems hilariously apathetic toward Ben (see GIF). Amanda explains to Ben that she was married to the father of her two daughters, but they split when she found out he was cheating on her while she was pregnant with their second daughter. Oof. I feel bad because I had been fully judging Amanda for being married for only five minutes and that's not very supportive or feminist or girl power-y of me and I'm the worst! Don't judge a book by its daughters. Also, Olivia pokes fun of Amanda's life story by saying it sounds like an episode of Teen Mom (which… I know that was a terrible thing to say and all, but like, it kind of does, right?) and Amanda awesomely shuts her down by comparing Olivia to Snookie, or "just being a hot mess all the time." Amanda please!

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