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Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 2

You wanna be on top?

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Was it just me, or was this episode unusually boring? Where were all the tears? Maybe it's just because it's early in the season, but I felt personally let down by ABC and Ben Higgins this week.

Anyway: the ladies have moved into the Bachelor mansion and they are ready to rock. They celebrate the birth of their new harem with mimosas. Ben continues to mumble about feeling unlovable despite the fact that twenty-one women are literally competing to see who loves him the most. Olivia opens her giant mouth and swallows the whole planet, moon, and stars.

Here is a power ranking of the women for this week. What's a power ranking, you ask? Excellent Q.

21. Ben

ABC

Okay, so, obviously, Ben has no power. I'm not sure he knows what show he's on half the time.

20. Amber

ABC

Amber is weak tea in this episode. WEAK. TEA. Young lady, this is your third time on a Bachelor franchise show. You are thirty whole years old. Surely you know by now that this is not how normal-people dating works? Amber spends the whole episode schlumping around in the background, teary-eyed about how Ben, human Lean Cuisine, is "a really great guy." Look, Amber, you've talked to him for less than five minutes total probably. You can find guys just like him by, I don't know, going to your local Domino's, going on ChristianMingle, going outside, for example. Pull yourself together!

19. Lace

ABC

Okay. Okay. I don't even - what is wrong with Lace? That's a serious question. The contestants have to undergo a ton of psych testing to even be on the show (otherwise we'd certainly see many more sequined silhouettes flinging themselves from the top of the Bachelor mansion), so what gives with Lace? She looks at every person she speaks to like she's a rescue dog and they're a stick of salami. At one point she tries to "open up" to Ben by telling him about how her brothers, Ribbon and Taffeta, made fun of her because of her hair? Or something? She also attempts to confront Olivia, which, snaps to whichever producer set that one up. It doesn't go well, probably because Olivia has interacted with at least one human before and Lace was maybe raised in an aquarium for attractive women. Incredibly, she is not eliminated.

18. Jami

ABC

Wait, Jami was in this episode?

17. Rachel

ABC

Who's Rachel??

16. Jackie

ABC

Oh, Jackie. You sweet runaway Duggar. You darling human cross-stitch. You precious little barn owl. You never even had a chance. Jackie is bad at bobbing for apples, which I guess is rock-solid proof that she will never be "A Good Wife And Mom," everyone's favorite pretend aspiration. To no one's surprise, Jackie is eliminated.

15. Emily and Haley

ABC

Listen, ABC, I will start counting these girls as individual people when you start treating them like individual people. Tell me who's who when they're talking! Maybe they're trying to Parent Trap us as some sort of conning-their-way-to-the-top strategy? Like, if Ben doesn't know who's who, he won't be able to eliminate either of them? The twins make comments like "Don't put the blonde on the science date!" and "I'm not very…smart," which I think says a lot about society and how they were probably raised to believe that pretty girls and smart girls were two different things but anyway, I'm generally uninterested in them and will remain so until they get showcased separately, as opposed to appearing as a singular sexy-incest-nightmare unit.

14. Mandi

ABC

Oh, Mandi. Mandi, wearing her Coachella finest, runs like Phoebe Buffay and literally wins the group date (sidenote: I think we, as a society, should make it mandatory to name a "winner" of every date, just to keep things interesting); alas, she is eliminated regardless. Which I guess goes to show how much hurdle-jumping talent matters to Ben. Ugh! Ben! Does romance mean nothing to you?

13. Samantha

ABC

Samantha is far, far, too fragile for God's green earth, much less this show. Sam STILL sounds like she's about to cry at all times, whether it's from excitement or sadness. Unfortunately, Ben thinks she smells "sour" after running on a treadmill - which, duh, of course she doesn't smell good, and I wonder if this experiment would have done better as a deodorant rather than compatibility test - and she is eliminated. She cries an awful lot for a girl who has known Ben, human reduced-fat graham cracker, for less than a week. #soursam

12. Leah

ABC

Leah doesn't do a whole lot, except fake-laugh at Ben's jokes as he tells her how much he loved her (insane!) limo entrance.

11. Becca

ABC

I still think it's absurd that Becca hopped on this trainwreck for a second go-round (see: Amber), but she's not doing terribly. She's better at basketball than Ben, which says less about her basketball skills than it says about just how much they've been fudging Ben's star-athlete-hometown-hero persona. Becca, you can stay. I don't care enough to care.

10. Shushanna

ABC

Honestly, I forgot Shushanna was on this show, but she seems cool, I think. When she's not busy speaking Russian, she wears blue mascara and talks about how all she brought with her on the Mayflower was vodka. At one point she says "I won't smell like cabbage, because I haven't eaten cabbage for two weeks." Is that maybe a translation error, or do Russian people actually stress about smelling like cabbage? Any insight would be appreciated.

9.

ABC

Lauren H. is a golden retriever crossed with a Tanner sister and I am all about it. She manages to big-cheesy-Michigan-laugh at every single ridiculous thing that happens in this episode, something I'm surprised more girls don't do considering that everything that happens on this show is The Silliest. Huge points to Lauren H. for being self-aware, for being from the greatest city in America, and for being the only one to openly panic when not one adult woman can place Indiana on a map (my optimistic theory is that maybe the producers were trying to make a statement about the deteriorating quality of education in America?)

8. Jennifer

ABC

Jenny from the Block doesn't get a lot of airtime but does get the first ~official~ kiss of the season. Five points to Slytherin, I guess. (Is she a Slytherin? At what point do we start sorting these girls into Hogwarts Houses? Ben is a Hufflepuff).

7. Amanda

ABC

Amanda, our little Princess Peach, is equal parts endearing and troubling. She's sweet as an Otter Pop and has adorable ballerina toddlers, but also, she cries when Ben gives her a barrette because it's "the nicest thing anyone has ever done for [her.]" ???!?!? Amanda! Make better friends, date nicer boys; that is an absurd thing for anyone over the age of fourteen to say unless someone has just given you, I don't know, a mansion, or tickets to Hamilton. Stray thought: who is taking care of Amanda's kids while she's off competing on Who Wants to be a Stepdad? Is it the girls' father? V strange.

6. Jojo

ABC

Despite her first-night unicorn antics and despite thinking that Indiana is Pennsylvania vis-à-vis Ohio, Jojo is somehow still galloping right on into my heart. She yells "Laaace-uh!" the exact same way that I yell "Laaace-uh!" (at my TV.) She's so cute and fun and reminds me of Rachel Green.

5. Caila

ABC

Caila might have the skin of an American Girl doll and the cutest nose in all the land, but my official stance on Caila is that I do not like her. Let me tell you a little something about Caila: homegirl has watched every episode of The Bachelor AND all its spinoffs and has spent every moment since she pricked her finger on a spindle on her sixteenth birthday preparing for this date. You can see it in her eyes! Caila gives Ben a very sweet, impeccably-rehearsed speech about how she dumped her last boyfriend because she "was waiting for her heart to catch up with the story" and she realized "it's not about how you meet, it's about the journey" or some nonsense. Yeah, girl. Go ahead and throw a chenille blanket over the crazy. Doesn't mean it's not there. I know that, at least to some extent, this is true for all the contestants, but Caila is gunning so hard for Bachelorette that I can practically smell the army of bartenders and personal trainers already on their way to meet her. And YOU KNOW WHAT, she'll probably get it, because she's definitely top 3 material and lord knows they love a petite brunette for Bachelorette. Anyway. Caila and Ben have a date, it's fine, she pretends to know who Amos Lee is and gets a rose.

4. LB

ABC

LB isn't heavily featured in this episode, until she casually dips out at the rose ceremony. For purely self-indulgent reasons, I really wish she had just said "no" and walked out when he asked her to accept the rose, but, whatever. She seemed really uncomfortable and I commend her for knowing it would be better to step out rather than to continue parading around that spray-tanned circus. Also, she wore pants to a rose ceremony, which I liked because of feminism.

3. Jubilee

ABC

Jubilee dresses like a piece of bubblegum at one point and still looks incredible. She also keeps calling Lace "Lacey" in what I can only assume is some kind of power move. Jubilee for president!

2. Lauren B.

ABC

"But Lauren B. was barely in this episode!" you cry. "She didn't even go to the LoveLab!" I had honestly forgotten all about Lauren B. until Ben pulled her aside to give her a gift (a picture of them sitting together, which, lame) to let her know that even though she didn't have a date, he was still thinking about her. Lauren B. then makes a joke about how she wouldn't mind going home, and Ben looks like a basset hound puppy who's been kicked in the snout. He tells her like eighty times how special she is. DAMN, LAUREN B! She's playing hard to get on a show where being extremely easy to get is the entire point. Very chic.

1. Olivia

ABC

Olivia, 23; Hometown: Dallas; Occupation: VELOCIRAPTOR. Holy hell, this girl's mouth. You could fit the entire revival cast of Rent in there. Anyway, Olivia and Olivia's Mouth dominate this episode. She gets everyone all riled up with her man-catching pheromones and her sneaky Ben-swiping. She continues her rose streak and cackles "I basically don't even know what a rose ceremony is!" and, like it or not, she is not wrong. Olivia might emote like a mandrake, but she has total power over Ben and each one of the girls (In Princess Amanda's words: "She's trying to, like, get into our heads, and like, it's like working, a little bit"), which puts her on top of the pyramid for this week.

ABC

See you next Monday!

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