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Posted on Feb 23, 2017

Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 8

"It's a classic piece."

by gracebarry

Community Contributor

This week on The Bachelor, Nick goes full International Love as he bounces around the continental U.S. and Canada to meet the families of his life partner finalists. Raven gets syphilis from drinking too much swamp water. Vanessa is shocked to discover that she's on a competitive dating show. Nick finds the body of Raven's ex inside a grain bin. Corinne buys Nick a new outfit, but learns that she can't buy him a new attitude.

Will any of the Fathers that Be give Nick their blessing to propose to their daughters? What is Corinne's job, anyway? Is featuring Vanessa's special needs students sweet or exploitative? Why aren't there more musical numbers on this show?

Call your mom and tell her to get out the fine china; it's time for hometown dates.

ABC

Vanessa is an angel, sure, but has she ever seen this show before? (I mean, maybe not; she is from Canada, after all.) She gets genuinely upset when she finds out that Nick, like, has feelings for the other women. Girl!! Backtracking: Vanessa and Nick meet up in scenic Montréal and go visit her special needs students, who seem awesome. She has her students make a scrapbook about her and Nick, which feels a little narcissistic, but whatever. Later, she and Nick head over to her mom’s house (I LOVE that her divorced parents refused to hang out for the sake of a TV appearance) and are bombarded with a million small Italian children. “Buenos noches!” says Nick. Mamma mia. They all eat pasta and cry as they reminisce about Vanessa’s last breakup. It was three years ago and they are all still talking about it. What did this guy do?? Later, at Babbo Vanessa’s house, Nick asks for his blessing and Babbo Vanessa is like “Are you seriously bopping around asking dads all over the world for their blessing? This is so not love Italian style.” Vanessa starts crying because she thought Nick was only interested in having their union #blessed. It’s a lot. I don’t know. I like Vanessa but girl needs a reality check. And by that I mean, she needs to watch more reality TV.

ABC

Let’s talk about race, baby. Let’s talk about u and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Much of Rachel’s hometown date does, in fact, center around the fact that she and Nick are an interracial couple. “It’s 2017,” you say. “I didn’t know people still cared about interracial relationships.” Ho ho ho, I say to you. Listen. As much as I wish Rachel and Nick’s racial differences were insignificant to their potential relationship, they’re not. As Rachel’s sister aptly points out, in our current political climate, racial tension is nothing to be dismissive of. (Sidenote: This season of The Bachelor was filmed during fall of 2016. Was this episode filmed pre or post election? Did all these girls find out who won the election on their hometown dates? I know they’re supposed to be disconnected from the outside world - do you think Rachel’s sister spelled out “THE FUCKER WON” in Rachel’s okra? Were the contestants even allowed to vote??) I know that all the talk about race seemed a little heavy-handed, but I’m sure that’s mostly a result of editing out pleasant small talk, and personally, I’d rather have too much discussion than too little. The fact of the matter is that Rachel and Nick, were they to marry and have children, would be faced with a unique set of complications and social stigma (stigmas?), and would have to figure out how to best navigate those waters as a team. I think everyone handled this conversation frankly and maturely. I especially liked Nick’s saying “I know you’re black, I’m not colorblind.” Take notes, Tomi. Anyway, Rachel takes Nick to her predominately (read: entirely) black church service and he looks super uncomfortable, which I loved. I also loved that Rachel’s dad couldn’t make it because of “work obligations” (read: no way is a federal judge showing his face on this fool show). It seemed like Nick and Rachel’s date went pretty well, but we know they don’t end up together, so what gives? I wonder if Alistair talks Nick out of proposing. I wouldn’t be surprised. That kid is up to something!

ABC

Howdy, Hoxie! Did you guys know that Hoxie, Arkansas is 98.2 percent white? Well, you do now. Raven and Nick ride their little tractors (idk the name for those little go-cart things so I’m calling them tractors) to something called a grain bin. I guess they are just giant bins of grain, like to feed cows with? I’m not sure what exactly Raven’s plan is here. She says that, in Hoxie, when you want to have a meaningful conversation, you have to find a grain bin. To me, this sounds like an attempt to stigmatize meaningful conversations and make discussion less accessible, but, whatever. Do people just stand at the top of those metal stairs and make out? Or are they supposed to get INSIDE the grain bins? That sounds like a really easy way to kill someone and hide the body in one move. “These grain bins hold a lot of secrets,” says Raven with a knowing smile. We never find out what exactly she planned to do with Nick, though, because a random cop shows up. Just kidding! It’s Raven’s brother! Hoxie has a population of 2,719! Do you think Raven’s brother knows John David Duggar, who is also a cop in northern Arkansas? Does everyone in Arkansas know each other? I know it’s a state and not a homogenous small town, but, do they? To celebrate being arrested by her brother, Raven takes Nick to a literal swamp and they do some muddy foreplay. It is so, so gross. It’s a good thing neither of them put their head underwater, because that’s a real easy way to get amoebas in the brain. Who makes out in a swamp?? Aren’t they worried about bacteria? Leeches? Raven should be worried about her vagina health, frankly. It is really easy to screw up the pH down there, and nobody wants to be a basic bitch.

ABC

Is Raven’s dad Ken Bone? On this Hoxie hometown, Raven gets the news that her dad is cancer-free. Alright. This is fantastic news. I am happy for their family. I am sad that this moment became part of an episode of reality TV that also featured Corinne’s dad’s olives. Later, Raven starts sobbing and telling her dad that she would rather walk down the aisle alone than with anyone other than him. This is too heavy for The Bachelor! THIS IS TOO HEAVY FOR THE BACHELOR!

ABC

Oh, no. I… love Corinne? What is happening? Corinne’s hometown date was so fun!! Corinne takes Nick to the mall , which I enjoy because at least she isn’t pretending that her favorite place in Miami is like some pretentious whiskey tasting cellar where nobody actually goes. Of course her favorite place is a mall! Corinne is such a Mall Girl. (I’m not a Mall Girl, personally, because malls embody several of my biggest fears, including crowds of tweens, having to ask for assistance, and self-serve frozen yogurt.) Corinne takes Nick to some bougie-looking store where he tries on $800 sweatpants. It’s like an early episode of Gossip Girl, and Corinne is Blair Waldorf and Nick is Little J. A makeover classic! I love it! It’s a very relaxed and fun-seeming date. Both Nick and Corinne are at their best when they’re spending someone else’s money on cashmere. I respect that. Next up: celebrity couple Norinne heads to Corinne’s penthouse to meet her family feat. Raquel. Like, yeah, Corinne’s family is rich in a somewhat-gross way, but they’re funny and all seem to genuinely like each other. Corinne’s dad made olives! Daddy Corinne asks what, exactly, it is that Nick does for a living. “He used to sell software, and now he sells hair gummies or something, I don’t know… he’s like, a salesman,” explains Corinne. Daddy Corinne is like “Child, do you know how expensive you are?” Corinne says she is comfortable being the breadwinner for their family, which I like. Nick asks for Daddy Corinne’s blessing and he says “Corinne is the lid to Nick’s pot,” which I think is a yes? Corinne’s father seems… suspiciously eager to get rid of her.