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Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 6

"Cats have nine lives, bitches have two."

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This week on The Bachelor, Nick and his band of human Yankee Candles travel down south to the island of St. Thomas. Alexis draws up papers to sue ABC for sending her home the week before potentially meeting dolphins. Kristina does nothing to quell my suspicions that she is actually Anastasia Romanov. There is an extraordinarily disheartening game of beach volleyball. Absolutely everyone cries.

What fresh hell even was this episode? Why was it so weirdly paced? Why was everyone crying the whole time? Why did it feel like a particularly bikini-clad episode of Black Mirror? When did Jasmine lose her mind? How are there suddenly half as many girls? When did Sarah even go home? Are we just never supposed to expect an end-of-the-episode rose ceremony ever again? Where in the world is Chris Harrison?

Hop off your sea plane and let's dive in.

13. Jasmine (Last Week: 8)

ABC

I don’t even know where to start with Jasmine. Who knew? She seemed so very regular, and yet. Jasmine is (pretty justifiably) pissed because she’s the only girl left who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one or a two-on-one or even a three-on-one. This same thing happens to some poor girl every single season and you know what? It must really suck to be dragged along, week after week, to Milwaukee, for Christ’s sake, and still not get any one-on-one makeout time with the lead of the show you’re on. Jasmine’s response, however, isn’t to cry or protest or start a good catfight (@Leah from Ben’s season), it’s to… pretend to choke Nick? It’s a swing and a miss. You can tell that Jasmine thinks she’s being flirty (“Have you ever been straddled and choked before?”) but she is NOT READING THE ROOM. Nick looks more uncomfortable than we’ve ever seen him, which says a lot because I always thought he’d let anything with a pulse straddle him as long as there were cameras around. Nick sends Jasmine home, of course. I don’t even really know what else to say because it was all so strange. Remember: jokes about strangling your potential romantic partners do not always land.

10. Alexis (Last Week: 3)

ABC

BYE, GIRL. WE NEVER DESERVED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. WE SHOULD HAVE REALIZED YOUR FEAR OF NICOLAS CAGE WAS A CLUE: YOU WERE THE NATIONAL TREASURE ALL ALONG.

9. Whitney (Last Week: 9)

ABC

Whitney is finally permitted to speak this week when she’s sent on a horribly uninteresting two-on-one date. All season I’ve been wondering if Whitney is secretly great and they’ve just been hiding her from us to make more room for Corinne, but it turns out the reason Whitney is never featured is because she is really fucking dull. Like, wow. She is the human equivalent of a handkerchief. She is like a walking paper towel holder. A living, breathing rug pad. It’s a shame she never got to meet Ben Higgins. Whitney gets sent home, natch, and sneers that “it’s easier to form a connection with somebody when you actually spend time with them.” It’s actually a pretty sick burn coming from a human Swiffer WetJet.

8. Danielle L. (Last Week: 13)

ABC

Ohhh, girl. Yikes, Danielle L. Danielle L. - also known by her rapper name, D-Lo - somehow gets stuck on the totally useless and uninteresting two-on-one with the silent leggy brunette. She basically says to Nick “I don’t really understand what I’m doing here because we have a really strong connection™ and you know what my voice sounds like.” Nick concedes to these hard-hitting facts and sends home whoever the other girl on this date was. Danielle L. gets to put on her beachy maxi dress and pretend to eat cold chicken breasts with Nick, which is every girl’s idea of the perfect date. Nick asks Danielle L. what two words she would use to describe her perfect relationship. Danielle L. chooses “love” and “trust,” which, “love” shouldn’t count, but okay. Nick says that his would be “adventurous” and ”raw.” Nick realizes that Danielle L.’s ideal relationship looks like the inside of a Fisher-Price Family Dollhouse and Nick’s looks like one of those hunts where you kill your own pumas and then eat the meat in front of your competitors, so he decides to send Danielle L. home. Danielle L. sits in her limo and is just like “I have no idea what just happened. I am possibly the most attractive girl here. I am amicable and have no strong opinions on anything. I laugh at everything Nick says, even though none of it is funny. Girls like me always win.” She is not wrong. Best wishes, D-Lo, but I am so glad that I won’t have to put an initial after every “Danielle” I type anymore.

7. Raven (Last Week: 10)

ABC

Raven’s bikini is the worst of the bunch and she wears an ensemble that is neon yellow and long-sleeved and has a high-low hem and is also somehow shorts. This girl owns a boutique, you say?

6. Corinne (Last Week: 16)

ABC

The best thing about this season-two-of-Smash-level disaster of an episode was that Corinne was barely in it. I like Corinne like I like my interaction with all other human beings: only sometimes. Corinne is very happy in St. Thomas because, D-Lo and behold, there is hired help in the form of a kind elderly woman named Lorna. Lorna, who I hope was paid some sort of bonus by ABC, brings Corinne pina coladas and nachos and “makes sure her towels are comfy.” I mean, I get why Corinne wants all of these things, but I don’t think it’s actually Lorna’s job? This reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend’s sophomore-year roommate who tracked down one of the dorm’s cleaning ladies and bribed her to clean his bedroom. (This same dude also hooked up with one of my best friends, stole her bra, mounted it to his wall, then tweeted a photo of it.) He is a horrible troll man. He would actually get along really well with Corinne.

4. Danielle M. (Last Week: 4)

ABC

Danielle M. catches the Group Date Blues and, like Vanessa, is inexplicably reduced to a pile of tears on the beach. Let’s try to dissect this bizarro volleyball-game-from-hell group date here. Listen. We have all cried on a beach before. I also played volleyball in middle school so I can relate to crying after being forced to volley with a bunch of cliquey girls. Plus, I was on the Junior Varsity B-2 team, so I also relate to frequently losing said volleyball games (for context: there was a Varsity A team, a Varsity B team, a Junior Varsity A team, a Junior Varsity B team, and then my Junior Varsity B-2 team. There was also a Junior Varsity B-3 team, but it was continually emphasized to us that they weren’t worse than we were, there were just too many mediocre volleyball tweens for one team.) Anyway. While it makes some sense for half the girls to randomly start crying in the middle of a cloudy volleyball date (if anything, it reads like a classic day-drinking crash), it makes less sense for them to all sniffle about “losing time with Nick” and “having time taken away from us.” The working theory ‘round the web is that this was one of those classic Bachelor sports-y competition date wherein the winning team gets cocktails on the veranda and the losing team has to go home to their massive hotel suite and do face masks. This would make a lot of sense. It would certainly explain why Danielle M. says, verbatim, “I’m not crying over a stupid fucking volleyball game" through her tears. Why didn’t they include this in the episode? That one’s a thinker. Maybe the producers don’t want women to be seen as competitive or aggressive?? I know that seems like grasping at sexist straws but this IS Trump’s America, after all.

3. Rachel (Last Week: 1)

ABC

Did anyone else spot Rachel’s fun red bandana in this episode? It was so fun. It reminded me of all the terrible aqua blue bandanas from GapKids that I wore in my youth. Rachel doesn’t do much in this episode except tell Nick that “group dates are so not my thing.” Alright, Rachel. You’re a catch but nobody who volunteers to go on this show is above group dates. Hopefully Rachel likes group dates better WHEN SHE IS THE BACHELORETTE. DO YOU HEAR ME, ELAN GALE?

2. Nick (Last Week: 5)

ABC

I wasn’t sure whether I loved or hated Nick this week. On the one hand, he showed a surprising amount of emotional intelligence (drink!) and somewhat restored my faith that he’s taking all this seriously; on the other hand, those shorts! Nick is perky for FAR too long into his date with Kristina before he realizes the gravity of the things she’s telling him, but I admire his attitude toward his relationship with and subsequent elimination of Danielle L. When Danielle L. tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him (holy hell, girl) he realizes that he is super not in love with her and that he has to send her home. He says that this is especially hard for him because she was one of the people he thought he’d fall for. Man! This is heavy! I think we’re seeing Nick realize that he may not, in fact, find his soulmate on an ABC show. I sympathize with him because A. Coming close to love then losing it over and over again must be awfully disheartening and B. How embarrassing will it be for him when his faux-relationship fizzles out in a few months? If he doesn’t find lasting love with one of the remaining women, he’s in for a lot of unhappiness coming from all different directions. And the chances of that happening are low, despite the fact that Rachel and Vanessa are still there. It’s just hard to find love on TV. Ask Flava Flav. Nick also gets -100 points in this episode for using the EXACT SAME LINE to break up with both Whitney and Danielle L. I mean, my god. Did he not know those two dates would air in the same episode?

1. Kristina (Last Week: 12)

ABC

I mean, wow. Kristina! Who knew! Kristina, who gets prettier every time I see her, finally gets a one-on-one with Nick, who does not deserve her. Nick does the classic first-date “So, any siblings?” and Kristina is like “Yeah, I have eight siblings.”

“Classic!” says Nick. “That is so goofy, because my family also has an irresponsible number of children despite the fact that we are not creepy Fundamentalist Christians.

“Well, I have a lot of siblings because my parents adopted a lot of kids like me. I also have a sister in Russia who I haven’t seen in years. She has a child I’ve never met and we don’t really talk anymore because I’m starting to forget the language of the country I was born in.”

“What a gas!” laughs Nick. “Let’s go swimming with some turtles.”

Later, over dinner, Nick is hopeful that Kristina will have some more quirky anecdotes about her childhood. Kristina eloquently and matter-of-factly tells the story of her childhood in Russia and, oh boy, it’s a doozy. She was raised by a single mother, barely fed, and then kicked out of her own home at the age of “five or six.” She then spent the next seven or eight years in an orphanage, growing close to the other orphans then suddenly being forced to leave them for the chance of a better life in America. She gracefully details how she didn’t want to turn to prostitution like many of the older orphans, and how someone told her that “If you stay in Russia, your life will be black and white; if you go to America, it will be in color.” I mean, my God. Give this girl her own show, Nick be damned. Kristina is so lovely and lovable when telling this story that it’s easy to understand why Nick’s beady eyes well up with tears. He is shook. Clearly he didn’t think he’d be dealing with anything heavier than nannies or the occasional stiletto assault anecdote. My respect for Kristina was maybe quadrupled this week and I have no idea how a catch like her landed on this disaster of a reality show. She’s beauty and she’s grace; she’s Miss United States. And also Miss Russia.

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