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Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 5

"She's just a big, mean swamp monster."

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So, a 36-year-old man and two 23-year-old women walk into a swamp...

This week on The Bachelor, Nick Viall and the E Street Blondes head down south for some beignets and angry spirits. Rachel is elected Princess of New Orleans and the Whole World. There is a romantic date on an actual sugarcane plantation. Corinne orders room service but feeds most of it to her pet turtle Skipperdee so she doesn't get fat. Alexis distantly wonders who won the election.

Will Nick find love with the little girl ghost at the plantation or will he find it with Corinne, a real live little girl? Does anyone know if Taylor made it safely home from the swamp or is she still living with the gators to this day? Do we think that Corinne's frantic long-lashed blinks are morse code messages to Raquel?

Hop into the bayou and let's get started.

17. Taylor (Last Week: 15)

ABC

Oh, Taylor. We had such high hopes. You were so smart and biracial and had excellent taste in floral wrap dresses - all rare qualities on this fine television program. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you! Taylor is a mess in this episode. I think the biggest issue with her Corinne-versation isn’t that she’s condescending (and unprofessional) towards Corinne, it’s that she immediately falls for Corinne’s very basic deflection trap! Taylor! Be smarter than this! Corinne responds to Taylor’s (pretty valid) criticisms by taunting Taylor with the idea that the other girls don’t even like her and are talking about her behind her back. I learned how to do this exact same thing when I was twelve. This is Castilleja Girls’ Middle School 101. Corinne then plants these same wedding favor flower seeds of doubt in Nick’s mind and is later able to convince him that Taylor is the villain of the house. Corinne isn’t even a genius for this, she’s just as emotionally intelligent (drink!!) as your average conniving tween. Taylor takes the bait and is dragged all the way down into the swamp, doomed to spend the rest of her Nick-less life selling hair vitamins on Instagram and doing interviews on C-list podcasts about Corinne. I don’t even care. Both of these women should have been sent home. #DrainTheSwamp

16. Corinne (Last Week: 2)

ABC

Please sigh LOUDLY to yourself to get a nice audio snapshot of my mental state. I don’t even want to talk about Corinne anymore. I am so tired of this cheese pasta bullshit. I hate that two-thirds of this episode center around Corinne. Even more, I hate that 80% of the things Corinne says in this episode include the word “bitch.” “Taylor’s a disgusting bitch,” slurs Corinne. “What does that say about your emotional intelligence, biiiiiitch?” “That’s not what I’m fucking talking about, you dumb bitch.” “The bitch is insane. Fuck you for fucking being here and ruining everything for everybody else because you fucking suck.” This is like… genuinely not okay. Why did they show so much of this on TV? I’m not one to shy away from swear words, obvi, but this word in particular - especially when it’s being used to attack a woman for being assertive and/or exhibiting her own level of intelligence/education - really irks me. Like, do I think Taylor came across as a little condescending, whether she meant to or not? Sure. (See: Taylor, 17) But I don’t think that Taylor was ever going to get any other response from Corinne, no matter how well she presented herself or what kind of language she used. Corinne has it in her head that Taylor is a condescending b**ch (YEAH, I’M CENSORING MYSELF NOW, TO MAKE A POINT) and she hates it. I’ve met a lot of people like this - people who will attack you for anything you say, even if you’re trying to be helpful, because they perceive everything that’s not praise as criticism. They project their own insecurities onto what you’re saying and twist your words so it seems like you’re antagonizing them. It’s sort of similar to white people who get crazy defensive when you point out that something they’ve said is kind of racist. (Sidebar: Is Taylor vs. Corinne supposed to be an allegory of the most recent U.S. election? I was honestly surprised that Corinne never called Taylor a “damned liberal elite” for bringing up her education. Someone write a thesis on this and cite me. Thanks much in advance.) But like! These are two women for whom high school is a vivid, recent memory. They are, in no way, shape or form, mature enough for marriage. Which I get. I’m their age and I tried to use my Metrocard to get into my apartment yesterday. Both girls should have been sent home weeks ago. However, Nick is drawn to Corinne like a moth to a blonde for whatever reason. The reason is that she’s hot and Nick likely thinks he can relate to her, because he was also made out to be the “villain” of his seasons. It doesn’t surprise me at all that Nick isn’t quick to believe the girls who complain about Corinne, because he’s used to people doing the same thing to him. (Corinne also acts notably less Corinne-ibly when she’s around Nick.) I guess she sticks around for at least another week, which sucks. Not because I care about Nick’s happiness, because whatever, but because her schtick has gotten old. She literally made the same not-that-funny “Make America Corinne Again” joke two weeks in a row! Let’s all pray to May, the little dead white girl, that Corinne is sent packing sooner rather than later. “Bullies never, ever get a happy ending,” says Corinne. We’ll see.

13. Danielle L. (Last Week: 5)

ABC

The funniest thing about this episode is that Danielle L. apparently left her extensions in Milwaukee. She has half the hair she used to! It doesn’t look bad at all, and I completely understand not wanting to haul four Samantha dolls’ worth of synthetic hair on her head at all times. I just want to know if there was something specific that made her ditch them. Did they melt in the Louisiana sun? Were they snatched by a rogue gator? Did she misunderstand her therapist when he told her she was “overextending” herself?

11. Josephine (Last Week: 13)

ABC

I respect Josephine a lot for committing to the running-jump-hug this week. I respect her less for wearing full cocktail attire to a place where people once owned other people.

10. Raven (Last Week: 17)

ABC

Good ol’ man-slappin’ Raven talks about how she’s going to use her the name of Jesus to scare the little-girl-ghosts away. Good luck with that, Raven. Raven also decides that a date on a literal plantation, surrounded by screaming women and ouija boards, is a good time to tell Nick, with whom she’s had one date, that she’s falling in love with him. Good luck with that, Raven.

9. Whitney (Last Week: 9)

ABC

Whitney has now received more roses than words she’s spoken on this blessed show. The above GIF was the only time she was shown speaking on camera. It’s such a bad GIF! It doesn’t even make sense! Let Whitney speak! #FreeWhitney #WhitneysVoice #AWhitneyToRemember

8. Jasmine (Last Week: 12)

ABC

I admire Jasmine for A. Correctly assessing that the whole “haunted mansion” charade was bullshit and B. Being so damn excited about her mint julep. I related to Jasmine a lot this week.

7. Jaimi (Last Week: 3)

ABC

Someone I was watching this episode with said that she didn’t like Jaimi because she’s “just so weird.” Plenty of people have echoed this sentiment. But why is she allegedly so weird? Is it because she’s bisexual? I’ve seen a lot of internet jokes about how she’s going to steal all of Nick’s girls away. Hi! Bisexual people are not predators! If she says she’s there to date Nick, she’s there to date Nick! Just because someone is attracted to women doesn’t mean they’re attracted to all women. Is it because she doesn’t have this specific blowout? Is it because she’s not a Very Tiny White Woman (VTWW)? Jaimi seems funny and cool, from what little we’ve seen of her. She seems like a normal person you’d see on the subway or at a fundraiser that your annoying friend’s boyfriend who comes over all the time even though he wasn’t invited is DJ’ing. “She has a nose ring,” said my friend with an eyeroll. Alright. Case closed. She has a nose ring, guys. So weird.

6. Vanessa (Last Week: 6)

ABC

Vanessa wears a cool knit dress and won’t touch the ouija board that some other small brunette conveniently finds on the floor. I wish we could all be more like Vanessa. I remember when I was like, eight, one of my best friends had a “Superstition” themed birthday party (I don’t know either) and we played with a ouija board to try to find out who we all had crushes on. Or something. I remember it being very tense. These girls should have asked the little girl ghost who Nick was going to choose at the end and saved us all a lot of time.

5. Nick (Last Week: 10)

ABC

What we learned about Nicholas this week (not a lot, since he only appears in about 20% of each episode of his own damn show) is that he seems to match the level of whatever woman he happens to be with. When he’s on his date with Rachel, for example, he is smart and charming and asks good questions. When he’s with Corinne, he is a horny lil’ troll. When he’s with Whitney, he vanishes into a faint puff of vanilla-scented air. I hope Nick starts asking these girls their ages soon. I think maybe he just doesn’t know. He should know.

4. Danielle M. (Last Week: 11)

ABC

Danielle M. wears bellbottom jeans and gets the group date rose, because of course she does. Danielle M. is great! No one will ever convince me otherwise!!@

3. Alexis (Last Week: 7)

ABC

I wish they would spend about 90% less time on Corinne and start featuring Alexis in the actual episodes. Why does she keep getting relegated to the little end-credits blooper reels? I can’t even make the clips of her into GIFs because of all the text on the screen! I had written of Alexis as a total Night One Girl but now I hope she makes it even farther. She’s lightyears ahead of her similarly-aged competitors Taylor and Corinne in terms of maturity, and everyone in the house seems to love her. Most importantly, Nick is goofy and relaxed when he’s with her. It’s really fun to watch and I wish we could see more of them together. I gave up on the god-awful Ben and Lauren: Happily Whatever After????? show but I would totally watch a spin-off about Nick dressing up as Nicolas Cage to scare Alexis. It could be called "Nick-olas Cage: The Real National Treasure" or maybe "Caged by Love: The Nic(k) and Alexis Story" or maybe "Moonstruck."

2. May (Last Week: Not Ranked)

ABC

So, the premise of this week’s group date is that this beautiful old house (plantation) is haunted by the ghost of some little girl named May, who was the daughter of the people who lived in the house (slaveowners). Allegedly, May died of yellow fever in the house (the Houmas House’s own website contradicts this) and has decided that the best use of her ghost abilities/eternal life privileges is to run around her parents’ house looking for some doll. Give me a break. This bitch isn’t worried about her doll! She’s wondering why Jasmine is allowed to talk to Raven and why she doesn’t have any slaves in heaven. Somehow, May’s tiny ghost-self is powerful enough to steal some dolls, move some hats, cause a power outage, and make a chandelier drop it low like the Phantom of the Opera. May did not come here to make friends.

1. Rachel (Last Week: 8)

ABC

Rachel, thank God, is sent on one of the most fun-looking dates of the season. She and Nick do some goofy touristy things (my sister hilariously kept pointing out all the things she had also done, as though she is the only other person who has ever visited New Orleans), march in a jazz parade (?) and get to eat deep-fried dough on television. (Is putting the cool black girl on the New Orleans date with jazz and beignets and making her kiss Nick supposed to be some kind of Princess and the Frog cross-promotion? That movie was really good.) Rachel and Nick have incredible chemistry and looked like they were having so much fun together. They’re both also really good dancers, I think. I admire how comfortable they both look dancing down the streets. If you handed me a parasol and told me to dance down a public street, it would probably look like some terrible iteration of that opening scene from Mulan. Rachel and Nick then have their Dinner Conversation and Nick asks if he should call Rachel’s father - a federal judge - “Sir” when he meets him. Nick actually uses the word “when,” not “if” here. Rachel’s dad is going to hate Nick and I am ready for it. Also! By receiving a rose on her date, Rachel becomes the first EVER black contestant to make it past Week 5 of The Bachelor. I’m not kidding. In 21 seasons of this show, no other black woman has made it past the first leg of traveling. It’s totally possible that Jasmine will get a rose, too, but WE WOULDN’T KNOW BECAUSE THEY KEEP WASTING TIME WITH CORINNE SHIT AND NOT SHOWING THE ROSE CEREMONIES. I am honestly so done with this show and yet I will never stop watching it.

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