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11 Reasons Why Every Mom Deserves A Wine Wednesday

Or a Margarita Monday, Thirsty Thursday or Sangria Saturday. Childbirth is a cake walk compared to this s***.

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1. Your kid's school is encouraging your son to learn an instrument.

AMC / Via

He's tone deaf. He must be tone deaf. NO ONE can obliterate Twinkle Twinkle Little Star like he can. There aren't any stars left in the sky he is BOMBING them. And was it necessary to encourage him to pick a HEAVY instrument? I'm not backpacking around with this damn Saxophone. What happened to a harmonica? And what do you MEAN there is an upcoming recital? I have to hear my kid suck at it 24/7 I'm not paying a $5.00 entry fee to listen to everyone else's kids suck just as bad. How did Justin Bieber's mom deal with this shit when he learned the drums?

2. Your kid has a Star Wars meets Beyonce meets Hello Kitty themed dress down day tomorrow...

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Dress down day? Yeah, right. More like STRESS down day. Who thought of that theme? A moron? They think I have all the time in the world to schlep myself around town to find something for her to wear for it. Not this time. Here's an eyeliner pencil. Draw some whiskers on your face, stick some jeans on and call it a day. Don't like it? Fine. Wear your uniform LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EVERY DAMN DAY.

3. ...and it's a dollar to participate.

Universal Pictures / Via

You tell me NOW? As I'm dropping you off in the car line that you need A DOLLAR? Well, I don't know what to tell you I have NO money with me you kids SUCK ME DRY. Here *chucks four quarters out the window* money is money.

4. Your neighbor already decorated for the holidays...and you still have pumpkins on your front step.

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*Pulls the curtains back and peers out the window* Is she SERIOUSLY decorating already? She's like mother-effing Snow White out there. Birds are chirping along with her as she hangs that damn Christmas wreath. No, in fact the birds probably MADE IT FOR HER. Is she trying to make me look bad? She is, isn't she? She's a young mom just wait until she has a few more kids under her belt-HA!

5. The homeroom mom asked you to send in a treat for the class party so you cheerfully made peanut butter cookies (and you find out after a kid in the class has a peanut allergy).

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Why should EVERYONE have to suffer just because one snot-nosed, four-eyes kid couldn't get his shit together in the womb? Can't be exposed to peanuts? Then hold your breath. Isn't there a shot he can get? Hey I'M allergic to my husband's bullshit but you don't hear ME crying wolf every time my throat closes.

6. It's time to fold the laundry...aka find a match for 3,567,230 different socks.

ABC / Via

From now on I don't care if your 6, 19, 34, 56, 2, a girl, boy, both or neither...EVERYONE is getting THE SAME EXACT PAIR OF SOCKS. Identical. Grab two and they're sure to match. Don't like it? Wear flip flops year round and get frostbite on your toes. Double win for me because then I don't have to take you to basketball practice either.

7. Little Susie's mom from down the street lost 25 lbs in two weeks and "It was so easy she barely tried!!!"

Bravo / Via

*Sips wine, shoves bagel chunk into mouth, sips wine, grabs a handful of chocolate chips meant for baking* WELL I barely have to try to GAIN weight, but you don't hear me bragging, do YA do YA?

8. Your husband just reminded you that your in-laws are coming for dinner this weekend.

AMC / Via

Great! Love them! Your mother is so kind! She loves my cooking! And how I dress the kids! She never has a negative thing to say! Your father is a trip! His mole grosses the kids out! And me!

9. You have to go grocery shopping. Again.

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Do they inhale the food? I just went two days ago. Seasonal peppermint Oreos? Gone. Birthday cake Pop-Tarts? Demolished. Cap'n Crunch Christmas Crunch cereal? Finished. My fight to provide my kids with healthy, balanced and nutritional foods? Lost after the first one.

10. Because you have a phone and people know your telephone number.

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"What should I get your daughter for Christmas?"

"What's for dinner? I missed lunch and I'm hungry"

"Hey, did you get my email? About a car pool for basketball practice?"

1. I have no friggin' clue I lost her Christmas list and the brat keeps saying that "Santa knows"

2. Pick a menu from the kitchen drawer and leave me out of it.

3. Yes, no.

11. And finally..."MOMMMM?!"

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