1. Pizza Compass
Pizza Compass points you in the direction of the nearest pizza. The best thing about the app though is the terrifying man behind it, pictured above. The reason this app sucks is because true pizza enthusiasts always come prepared.
2. Smize Yourself
Tyra Banks presents Smize Yourself. Take any old boring photo and voila! You are now smiling with your eyes, or “smizing.” I’d make a joke here but I do not want to fuck with Tyra. She can smize into a mans’ soul and destroy him from the inside. Just look at her.
Is your urine concerning you after googling “why is my pee red” and getting convinced by the Internet that you have 6 kinds of cancer? Forget going to the ER, just use uCheck; the mobile analysis urine app where you pee on something to see if you’re sick. It also happens to be a certain rapper’s favorite app.
4. Toilet Time Pro
App that measures how long you’re on the toilet and has a customizable alarm for if you’ve spent too much time on the John. Some people take their time on the toilet. How are you supposed to create the next great viral video if you’re being timed?
App that pairs two singles up via Facebook… so that they can set a mutual alarm and wake up at the same time in the morning. No physical interaction at all. It’s like they took all the weird parts about Tinder but took out the actual part of why people use Tinder. At least there is no walk of shame involved, except the walk of shame you do everywhere because you should be ashamed of yourself for buying this stupid app.
6. Unicorn Apocalypse
Based on a Samsung ad, Unicorn Apocalypse is a game that’s a ripoff of the popular Adult Swim game robot unicorn attack. Everything about that sentence is awful, but not as awful as the fact that they couldn’t put as much money into their game as they probably did to hire Peter Jackson to say “Did you guys know that unicorns are basically goats?” for their commercial. It’d be better if we just obliterated these zombie unicorns.
Tomago is an app that features an Egg that you tap on one million times to get a secret mind-blowing message. Why is this so bad? Well after one million taps (spoilers) the message that appears is “So, what?” Maybe it’s a piece of performance art that is about how we’re wasting our lives away on technology. Or maybe they’re just really into that P!nk song.
8. Sunny Side
Sunny Side tells you what percentage of a trip in a car will be spent with sun shining on you. This is what the Internet does best: solving fake problems you didn’t even know needed to be solved. You know how most people handle the sunlight in car rides? You deal with it.
TweetPee is an app that has attachable device that tweets you when your kid pees. It also happens to be a certain rapper’s second favorite app.