If ‘man’ was developed by a big corporation, there is little question that he’d be iMan. Expensive, fragile and somewhat confusing as to its actual necessity…but a lot of us still want one, most of us even go through several models.
So here is you, wo-man. The second edition, the ‘beta version’ if you are to believe decades worth of jokes. And you have to share a planet with God’s original gadget. He’s developed a brain and quite an ego and he looks down on you. You’re beta, he’s alpha. Man never was good at getting jokes
So, how do you do it? How do you find your place sharing a planet with someone who puts you at about the same importance as a PS 4 (lower if the PS 4 is Ultimate 4K).
HOLD YOUR TONGUE (IF POSSIBLE FOREVER)
When we are born, we are equal. To the chagrin of many men, most parents put in quite the effort to keep this status quo. Little girls are taught to speak just like little boys. If you wish to get off to a decent start in sharing this planet, maybe consider giving up speech. The more forward lady babies out there may well simply refuse to ever learn. If you are a regular female, worry not and just give up any time. A boy or man, perhaps several if you are lucky, will always be available to point out to you that which you need and desire. Watch the relief on their faces when they no longer have to deal with your ‘opinions’. It’s a beautiful thing.
KEEP YOUR EYES FIRMLY INWARDS
A wise Tweeter once said ‘the biggest mistake the patriarchy ever made, was putting windows above the sink so we could see what was out there’. Ladies, there is nothing out there. Your only concern is right there, on the sofa, watching sports. Yes of course, trees and flowers are awful purdy. Your man will google them for you. When Pornhub isn’t running a special.
Other countries and travel to broaden the mind is a myth. Whatever country you are in, is the greatest goddamn country in the world. You don’t need anything else.
Whenever your man is out of the house – doing nothing you need to worry your little head over – keep the blinds firmly closed and focus on what is important: your hairless (totally, yes) buff body and his clean underwear.
If your man is out with another woman, this is normal. He is a complex being and you could not possibly understand.
YOUR PHYSICAL PRESENCE
You, woman, you are an angel. A delicate creature, pure and lovely. You are like his mother. Only you have studied and mastered RedTube because come on, it’s not a lot to ask.
As said before, your buffed and polished bod has no hair on it. You wear no makeup (primer, contouring, foundation, blusher, powder, strobing, eyebrow filling, mascara, eyeshadow, eyeliner, lipscrub, lipliner, lipstick for the ‘natural look’ counts as ‘no makeup’) Lipstick Tuesday is an exception, to be discussed later.
Your physical presence should be nothing more than an attractive background murmer. You must never impose yourself. If you need something, he will tell you.
Is of no consequence. You know this!
These are just a very few hints to enable you to live your best life with a man. Of course we could go deeper but really, is it necessary? You don’t need ‘deep’. You got your man, your life is set. Be seen, not heard. Done!
But author, I can hear you say, these days, there is such a thing as feminism. And some men are even on board with this! We get to think and talk now! We even get to have ambitions and leave the house!
Exactly, dear reader, and fear not, there are indeed some helpful ‘feminist’ adaptations to today’s society, which if used correctly will allow you to feel like a true, fulfilled woman and cause as little disruption to the fragile male mind as possible.
During non-leap years, as defined by Prof Dr MissChef Managed, OBE:
“If it's the waxing or full moon, the answer is yes, it's lipstick Tuesday. However, if it's the waning moon, or new moon, then no, it's not lipstick Tuesday. Both of these rules are null if it's currently snowing, hailing, or if if the humidity is above 87%. Also a friendly reminder; you're supposed to smile at strangers, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel (it's, rude not to!) whilst wearing lipstick on lipstick Tuesday. After all, you're asking for attention when you wear it.”
There is a specific chart of non-threat reds (given to lady babies at birth) to choose from. On special occassions, the colour New Man Blood may be worn. This is entirely dependent on the supply of New Men ™ which is to say men who have pronounced the words ‘not all men’ in an unironic setting four times within a set timeframe. These men cry their Man Tears ™ onto tubes of Ruby Woo, thus creating the new shade.
Allows you to assert yourself as an independent woman of spirit. For two hours. Men will ask to ‘give us a kiss’, this is normal as the colour somewhat addles their brains.
HIGH HEEL MONDAY
Every second Monday on months ending in Y. A delightful exception to houserules as on these days you may wear clothing and the heels need not fall into the category ‘stripper’. You also get to leave the house! To Whole Foods, let’s not get crazy.
One Saturday a year, every city, town and hovel lets its largest arena fill up with women. You get to speak, yell, scream out every single thought that has come into your inferior female brain. Let it all out. Equal rights, bodily autonomy, whatever crazy things you thought but never bothered man with: out they come. Obviously, all are farfetched and pointless but hey, the female brain is a strange thing and will, for now, insist on thinking.
All of this should somewhat clarify your path to you. Don’t worry if you need to ask a man to mansplain it to you. They know. They’ve always known