Dear John,
This is surely not what you thought it would be.
You and I walk a fragile line and I'm pretty sure we almost broke up last night. I was expecting some dramatic turn away, but you stayed. I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end. I've been holding back this feeling so I've got some things to say to you:
I used to think one day I'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly. And people would say "they're the lucky ones." All I know is I was enchanted to meet you. You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me; were you just kidding? I don't feel welcome anymore. Lately I don't even know what page you're on. I guess you didn't care, and I can't trust anything now. I can't even look at you. I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more. And I might be okay, but I'm not fine, at all. I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now. I just like hangin' out with you all the time—I can't help myself! Something keeps me holding on and I think "oh my god, look at that face!"
You said forever and always; the joke is on me. Well, maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame. Or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away. You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like a nothing. I can read you like a magazine—trouble trouble trouble.
My mother accused me of losing my mind but I swore I was fine. I believed in you, but you changed the rules every day. I remember it all too well. I guess you didn't care. You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way.
You never know what people have up their sleeves. All I know is since yesterday is everything has changed. Now we got problems and I don't think we can solve them. We've got bills to pay! We've got nothing figured out! I guess we fell apart in the usual way: trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer.
It's so sad to think about the good times. Do you honestly expect me to believe that we could ever be the same? You should've thought twice before you let it all go but I should have slept with one eye open at night. You can tell me when it's over if the high was worth the pain. Do you still feel like you know what you're doing? Because I don't think you do. You're not sorry.
I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me. All this time I was wasting hope you would come around. How'd we end up this way? Because all you are is mean. And a liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up.
Looking at it now it all seems so simple. I should've known! I knew you were trouble when you walked in, it's a shame on me now. We were both young when I first saw you; I still see it all in my head. I don't know about you, you don't know about me. So this is me swallowing my pride and it's probably better off this way. People like you always want back the love they gave away. And people like me want to believe you when you say you've changed.
These are the words I held back as I was leaving. I never knew I could feel this much. We had a beautiful magic love there. Yes, I could tell you what you're looking for has been here the whole time. I could give you 50 reasons why I should be the one you choose and pray for a miracle.
I bet you think I either moved on or hate you. Me and my stupid pride are sitting here alone going through the photographs. You don't have to call anymore—I won't pick up the phone. It's 2 AM and I'm cursing your name, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.
By the way, we are never ever ever getting back together. I've got a long list of ex- lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane. But I always get the last word! There is nothing I do better than revenge. Don't say I didn't warn ya.
Next chapter.
Share This Article
