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If Rock Bands Gave Honest Interviews

A handy translation guide

Posted on

If you've ever read or watched interviews with your favourite bands, you'll be used to their tendency to exaggerate and spin. After all, they've got records to sell.

Dreamworks / Via

So here's a translation guide to help you understand what your favourite band means when they say their new record is "the best we've ever done":

1. We're happy to be here!


We're tired and hungover. Ask your questions, cretin.

2. That's a great question!


This is the eighth time we've had to answer that question today.

3. We think this is the best record we've made yet!

Universal / Via

This is the worst record we've made yet.

4. We don't feel we accomplished all we could with our last album

Disney / Via

We thought that was the best record we'd made yet and are still upset nobody agreed with us.

5. This sounds more like our older material than our last album

ABC / Via

This will not sound like our older material at all, we're just hoping you buy it before you find out.

6. We're at the peak of our creativity.

The CW / Via

You're gonna miss what we used to sound like.

7. We're in complete control of our sound.

NBC / Via

Our label made us hire this new producer. They were weird.

8. We've really expanded our sonic palette.

Matthias Brown / Via

Our guitarist has bought a new effects pedal.

9. Lyrically, it's very mature. We've been reading a lot of great books lately.

NBC / Via

We're in our thirties and have just discovered the Beat poets.

10. You just have to keep evolving.

MCA / Via

Can we still sing songs about boners? Will people get mad if we stop singing about boners?

11. This is a new direction for us.

ABC / Via

This will sound just like our last record, the one you really hated.

12. We don't want to make something radio-friendly.

BBC / Via

We'll release a power ballad as a single and it'll be a massive hit.

13. Some of our fans who have been with us since the beginning may think this is an interesting step for us

Columbia Pictures / Via

We're probably going to lose so many older fans.

14. We've parted ways with our [band member] due to creative differences.

Bravo / Via

They wanted us to record a song they wrote but they're only the bassist, so we fired them.

15. It was amicable.

ProSieben / Via

lol bye.

16. Joining this major label was the right move for us, we hope our fans agree.

Disney / Via

In this day and age it's ridiculous that we could lose fans over this.

17. We're completely surprised that our song was used in that car commercial!

We needed the money.
Normal Guy Productions / Via

We needed the money.

18. We can't wait to play these new songs live.

NBC / Via

These new songs are going to be in the setlist at the expense of all your old favourites. Guaranteed.

19. We're very excited to play in [your country]. [Your country] is a special place to us.

This is honestly the first time we've heard that you're playing in [your country].

This is honestly the first time we've heard that you're playing in [your country].

20. Our nationwide tour starts soon!

BBC / Via

We're playing two shows in London and one in Manchester. That's it.

21. Oh no, our time's up?

Channel 4 / Via

Thank god.

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