1. Everyone knows the best skincare routines start with drinking a ton of water, so drink one whole ton of water each day to stay hydrated.
2. If your colleagues ask why you’ve spent 7 hours on the toilet, shout “MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, LINDA” through the toilet stall. They’ll definitely understand.
3. Babies have GREAT skin. Adopt 12 babies and ask them their secrets.
4. Only ever take selfies in direct sunlight so the blinding rays and your deteriorating vision will obscure any unsightly blemishes.
5. But remember, too much sun is actually bad for the skin, so when you’re not taking selfies, spend your evenings with the curtains drawn, cocooned under a blanket thinking Good Skin thoughts.
6. Instead of using snail slime for a radiant glow, try broadening your horizons with some other animal secretion. Dermatologists have hinted at cow piss as the Next Big Thing, but dog shit is a great alternative.
7. Be gentle with your skin. Look in the mirror, caress your cheek, and call it “baby”.
8. Avoid dry skin by regularly smearing your skin with butter, sugar, eggs and flour.
9. Fall asleep to the soothing soundtrack of beauty vloggers whispering skin care buzz words like “anti-inflammatory”, “satin-soft”, and “all-in-one”.
10. Panic-buy 50 products from Amazon and then throw them away immediately.
11. You are what you eat, so swallow a dozen eggs whole for skin as smooth as the shell itself.
12. Got ashy skin? Roll yourself in a vat of ash and cosplay as a corpse.
13. Slow down the process of ageing by running as fast as you can whenever anyone asks how old you are.
14. Tempted to pick a pimple? Dave from Sales likes to pick his pimples, do you want to be like Dave?
15. Create beautiful skin from the inside out by only eating foods that begin with the letter B.
16. Slam your face against a hard surface repeatedly for an instant even complexion.
17. Foods that are rich in antioxidants are great for the skin, so take a soak in a bath full of cumin.
18. Rub a kiwi all over your face, and then use its moist, hairy skin as an overnight face mask. Add grapes, apples, and pineapple slices for a delicious fruit salad-y feel.
19. Faceplant into a live beehive to tighten and revive the skin instantly.
20. Save money on an expensive face brush by using a dishwashing brush and some soap liquid to really scrub the dirt away.
21. Awaken your skin each morning by blowing an air horn directly in your face.
22. Many breakfast ingredients, like honey or oatmeal, can be used for exfoliating purposes. Go one step further and exfoliate with avocado on toast.
23. If you have sensitive skin, try telling your skin to lighten up a bit and take a fucking joke.
24. Never smile. Smiling is for wrinkly bastards.
25. Face oils are excellent for their moisturising and soothing properties, so why not go full balls to the wall and literally deep fry your face.
26. Cleansing is vital to perfect skin, so make sure you’re cleansing in the day.
27. Cleanse at night!
28. Cleanse at noon!
29. Cleanse while you’re on the toilet!
30. Cleanse like your goddamn life depends on it. This is your life now.
31. Beauty experts swear by coconut oil, so make it your new best friend by applying it all over your body, taking it out for dinner, and sleeping with it at night.
32. Don’t worry if it makes your skin greasy or gives you more spots. Coconut oil fixes everything, so just apply some more.
33. It’s important to get a good night’s sleep, so get at least 24 hours of sleep a day.
34. Wake for one minute only to think about the raging injustice of having to live up to a superficial model of beauty that’s inherently biased towards Western standards and is damn near impossible to actually live up to because perfection is a essentially redundant concept.
35. Cry. Tears are a great toner!
36. And if anyone asks how you get your skin so perfect, remember your lines: “OMG, this? All I did was drink water, and it just happened! Crazy, right?!”